Ever since my favorite "culture warrior" informed the world that the war with "secular progressives" is on, I've been trying to figure out if I was one of the SP's who should be bracing himself for the onslaught of pain about to be inflicted upon himself. I can't remember how long ago the battle began, and quite frankly I have given up trying to figure out if I should be worried. So far nothing major has happened to me; although, someone sporting a nice big "W" sticker on their bumper did cut me off today. That could have been the precursor to the cultural shock and awe to come (tomorrow I may seek an alternative route to work, in case any culture warriors have been surveilling me). Any-who, I gave up trying to figure out if I was a "secular progressive" by studying the question directly. I resigned myself to being content with never knowing (something I rarely do, but this one is tough!) when I had a sort of epiphany. Instead of trying to solve the problem directly, find a completely different approach to the problem. Figure out what wouldn't be considered a secular progressive and see if I fit into any of those categories (I know...I know...It shouldn't have taken this long to figure this out, there's no excuse!).
So, I thought about how to do this for awhile, and decided to analyze the individual words themselves, "secular" and "progressive". To the dictionary and thesaurus!
- Secular (one definition from Webster's will do) - adj. - of or relating to worldly things as distinguished from things relating to church and religion, not sacred or religious, temporal. SYNONYMS: earthbound, earthly, mundane, tellurian, telluric, temporal, terrence, terrestrial.
I need to figure this out. Got it. I believe one of the most important principles that led to the formation of this great nation is the belief in the separation of church and state, and as for my religious views, well that's nobody's fucking political business anyway, now is it? So, I guess I am socially secular (I might be a secular socialist - Oh God, this is not going the way I had hoped it would).
Maybe I can find some solace by examining the word "progressive". Again, one (or two) definitions should do here.
- Progressive - adj. - (1) ahead of current trends or customs (2) not narrow or conservative in thought, expression, or conduct. SYNONYMS: advanced, forward, precocious, broad, broad-minded, liberal, open-minded, tolerant.
- regressive (obvoius!), declining, deteriorating, failing, regressing, retrograde, unmodernized...
Investigation:
I do believe in a Supreme Being, but I also understand the necessity for the separation of church and state. So, am I a secular person...Hell, I already admitted to being socially secular. Dammit! Strike one.
I'd like to think that I support progress...That I'm not "narrow-minded" or intolerant. And as far as progression is concerned...I'm all for it. Cripes! Strike two.
This is not looking good folks!
Wait...what about the antonyms? Surely I can find relief. The opposite of being a "secular progressive" - The antonyms of "progressive" will absolve me. I know it...
(Silent reflection with the list...)
Shit! Shit! Shit! It appears that they won't. In no way shape or form do I want to be associated with words such as: "deteriorating", "declining", "failing", "unmodernized"...Oh crap!....I struck out!
I am...(sobbing right now!)...I am a "secular progressive". The horror. How will I tell my parents...my friends. I've outed myself as an S-P. What to do?
My head is spinning right now...I am on the other side CW1...I AM a SECULAR PROGRESSIVE...Wait a second...Hold on...That FELT good!...I AM A SECULAR PROGRESSIVE!!!!!!!
You know what...Fuck it...I'm a secular progressive and proud!!!
You know what...Roll up your dick-beaters, BOR...Let's dance. I'll see you on the line!
(Secret: Culture Warrior #1 - CW1 - is actually Bill O'Reilly, use this info carefully...THEY'RE WATCHING US!!!)
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