Wednesday

Spanks, Sarah

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.


Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday

Don't F*ck w/ Rahm

Horseshit

I have to agree with Ed on this one.

Complaints have led to removal of an atheist group's "Imagine No Religion" billboard in Rancho Cucamonga.

The General Outdoor sign company took down the Freedom From Religion Foundation billboard on Thursday after the city asked if there was a way to get it removed. Redevelopment director Linda Daniels says they got 90 complaints.


Despite the fact that there actually exists a place called "Rancho Cucamonga" (WTF?) in which real people actually live, there is no way in hell this billboard would have been removed had it displayed a Christianity-oriented message. What is so offensive about the phrase "Imagine No Religion" anyway? A lawsuit is most definitely in order as the decision to remove the sign is a clear First Amendment violation. The fact that it took only 90 complaints to get the signed removed seems like pretty weak sauce as well.

Painfully funny...



She's such a super lady.

Monday

Delusional

By way of SadlyNo! comes this intolerably delusional article from Jules Crittenden advising Obama to give thanks to Bush for leaving things in such a splendid state of affairs.

If you don't feel like reading something that is likely to make you laugh hysterically and then gouge your own eyes out when you realize the author isn't kidding, then I suggest just reading the sentence below and believe me when I say that is how Crittenden ended this really, really serious article:

For all of this, Barack Obama owes George W. Bush a tremendous debt of gratitude.


This is a going to be a little raw, but that is like saying that Jewish people owe the Nazis a tremendous debt of gratitude for not killing all of them.

Teh Funny

Bob Cesca swears he's seen "that turkey guy" from the Palin interview before and has now produced photographic evidence to prove he was right. Check it out!

Blub Reading

I'm feeling sort of blubbish today, and don't really feel like writing all that much at the moment, so here are some recommended reading articles:

- Russian Naval Flotilla exercising with Venezuela


That's good news. It's been what...over forty-five years since the Cuban Missle Crisis? Why not let another Western Hemisphere nation start palling around with our former Cold War enemies?

I thought this next one was a joke a first:

- Bush should act to stop crisis


Uh? How 'bout no. Bush is the personification of crisis. Nearly everything that walking calamity does results in a crisis in one form or another. Also, this commentary reads as if it was written by a high school sophomore.

I'm done for now. I reserve the right to update this post as I see fit. Like right now...

(via FDL:)

- Obama skips church, heads to gym


That doesn't really seem like news to me. Um, the guy is a Muslim. Now that he's managed to win the hearts and minds of the common folk, he can finally stop putting up the facade of being Christian like he's been doing by attending the same Christian church for the past twenty odd years. He's not even really going to the gym. He's secretly dining on his usual Sunday brunch of hummus and falafel, typical of most newly elected Muslim leaders. In that vein, it's not even really fair for Halperin, Martin, and Lee to be comparing Obama to his Christian predecessors. Obama has got to pray like five times a day, for gosh sakes.

Oi!

Friday

Why is CNN giving this clown air time?

Who the fuck is Mark Holick, and why in the hell is Rick Sanchez debating him? Who gives a shit what this Podunk pastor has to say and his conjectures about Obama.



Anyone can claim anything about anyone, but that doesn't mean they need to be brought to attention by the national media. Look:

I think Mark Holick secretly masturbates to the pictures on Tarot cards while giving his praises to the Almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster. It clearly says in Exodus 20:3 that you should not worship the FSM but only the one true God; therefore, Mark Holick is automatically a fascist homosexual.

Tell CNN I'm open for the rest of the afternoon, but after that they're going to have to check with my secretary.

On a more serious note: What purpose would CNN have for running this shite other than to try a milk the whole "Obama is a secret Muslim" meme one more time?

Just fuck off and die already, MSM - you're relevance is coming to an end! (That might have been a little harsh.)

Thursday

It's a tough choice...

...as to which religion I'm ultimately planning on settling with. This lady sounds interesting (via Ed Brayton):

The Divine Queen Mariette


A little background biographical information for those of you who aren't currently worshiping a Vietnamese immigrant/Divinely Mandated Super Supreme Being:

On January 2, 1947, the fully human natural body of the Divine Queen Mariette was born in the world, from a woman in a village located in Nam-Dinh, North Vietnam. This was shortly before the war between North and South Vietnam began. This war divided Vietnam into two governments, and she followed her beloved natural parents to South Vietnam.

The Divine Queen Mariette as fully human survived the war between North and South Vietnam which had become the American-Vietnam war. On April 28, 1975, the fully Divine Queen Mariette's natural family left Vietnam to go to the United States. She and her immediately family arrived Camp Pendleton State of California in middle May 1975.


I dare not question her qualifications for being the One on Earth at this point, lest I be struck down by the Queen herself. We do have something in common: I like traveling with my "immediately" family too. That means I'm next in line if she decides she doesn't want the job anymore. Moving on.

Let's see what the Lambette has to say about evolution (this is good):

God created the sea's living creatures from dirt, either from the bottom of the sea or from loose dirt from the ground. God then created living creatures, various kinds of birds that reside on the ground or on tree branches. The living creatures residing underground and on the ground were the last of three phrases (?) of God's creation of living creatures of all kinds. Until these days, dirt was still being used as the natural substance for God to create insects.


Uh???????????????????????????????????

This is a joke right?

Sadly, no. It's gets worse/funnier:

The Bible recorded that human natural bodies were created after animals, because human natural bodies went through a transformation process.


The Bible recorded? The Bible has awesome penmanship, and it's not too shabby a typist either.

Living creatures reside and crawl on the ground or fly in the airspace. God placed living creatures' souls to mingle with soft dirt. The spirits of these souls grew their natural bodies to a round long shape--worms. During the process of growing body parts, the supernatural power from the living creatures' souls were formed and nourished. Dirt was the natural substance for worms' souls' supernatural power during the process of God's creation of worms.


I'm still not wholly convinced that this isn't some kind of joke. That last paragraph is so fucked up both logically and grammatically that a group of mentally retarded monkeys tripping on acid using nothing but a broken piece of chalk and a sidewalk could come up with something less disjoint.

The worms broke into pieces, and the broken parts contained the residual spirit. Immediately, God gave each part new souls, which were different from worms' souls. These souls descended inside the worm pieces and were created with a different formula for supernatural power, depending on the kind of living creatures into which they evolved.


This lady has been hanging out with Princess Sparkle Pony and Molten Magma Man too much. The mountain man has crossed the third bench and is heading up the lateral ridge to where the dinosaurs plowed the ancient rocks - that is where his mom hides the special candle wax ambrosia. (I can come up with some crazy shit, too!)

I don't get it. Are the worms' souls superheroes or is the dirt divine - Why are the worms breaking into different soul pieces in the first place? What the hell is going on?

God uses worms' broken pieces as natural substances, creating other wild living creatures and animals that have two legs and two arms, or four legs--some have many legs. Their offspring are formed in their image after exiting the birth canal, while others are born as eggs and then hatch into animals.


What is it with this lady and worms for Maude's sake?

From the first time worms broke into pieces, God had chosen certain pieces to evolve into human natural bodies. These living creatures' offspring are borne into natural bodies, with two arms and two feet. Through a very long process of various animals' transformations, the prospect of human beings slowly changed, from one kind to another, then to monkeys, monkeys into bears, and finally to the human physical bodies.


Well, we are all damn lucky the "prospect of human beings slowly changed" from one kind to another, then to monkeys... Scientists recently announced that they have actually replicated the process of "another" turning into a monkey in laboratory settings. Such a phenomenon has yet to be observed in nature. Anothers are strange creatures like that.

(The theory of monkeys to human natural bodies is incorrect, because monkeys have long arms and long tails. Humans first changed to monkeys and then to bears. In order for species to evolve into human natural bodies, God changed the souls' creation formula from long arms and tails to shorter arms and tails, and He changed from monkey souls to bear souls before having souls evolve into human souls. Bears evolve into human natural bodies...snip...


That Charles Darwin is full of shit, man!

...un-snip...In addition, the theory of sea creatures evolving into human natural bodies is totally incorrect. Sea creatures must remain under water.)


Duh!

God created human souls by changing the supernatural substance for creating bear souls, and He sent this soul into monkey wombs. In this way, bears did not grow long tails, long arms, and legs like a monkey. God then changed the supernatural substance for creating human souls, and He removed short tails, hair, and the shape of bears' faces and sent this design into bear wombs. At this stage, after birth, the natural bodies were not wholly human yet. During the process of growing up, the natural bodies were changing, and this led to the creation of humans on earth.


And there you have it. All it takes is faith that God (or the Queen, at this point I'm not sure) put the bear souls in the monkey wombs but only after he changed the supernatural design substance so that the half-humans could grow up to be whole humans. It's just that simple.

That takes a load off my mind.

Wednesday

Teh Cuteness...

...it hurts. Too much adorableness:



(via TRex via Jezebel via Wired)

Light Posting

Posting may be light for the next two days as I have a butt-load (yeah I said "butt-load", what of it?) of work combined with a slurry of shoulder-related medical issues to tend to. MRI's and whatnot.

Of course, if the past is any indication, any time I proclaim that posting will be light I end up writing more than normal. That's how my fucked up brain works I suppose.

Tuesday

WTF is Campbell Browns Problem?

(CNN - Of-frickin' course)

Commentary: Obama already struggling with lobbyist promises

For the sake of Maude. The guy has only been president-elect for two fucking weeks and she's managed to write a negative commentary on Obama on a damn near daily basis since the election. I used to like Campbell Brown, but lately she's really starting to piss me off. It's no secret that I loathe most of the personalities on CNN (I'm looking at you first, Blitzer), but she always seemed kind of reasonable. Things are starting to look like the network heads gave her a show and then told her to pretend to be middle of the road while doing everything possible to knife 44 in the back.

What the fuck do I know, though. It IS a center-right country after all.

Monday

Biden Blunder Scale

Love it...



"Just name the time and the place, and Joe Biden will bring the train."

TOOBZ!

Alright, I'm admittedly having some trouble figuring this one out. Ted Stevens (Dickhole R - AK) is facing up to 35 years in prison, and people are still talking about whether or not he should remain in the Senate if he manages to win that still very close race in Alaska. There's true Republican values for you. They tried to depose a president for getting a blow job and even had some Democrats calling for Clinton's impeachment. One of their own gets caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar, and they "cut and run", leaving their buddy out to dry.

Personally, I'd like to see everyone just "stay the course" and ride this one out. That philosophy has worked so well for the past eight years.

Just for fun:

Friday

Why I love Wonkette

Because of this barbaric massacre of the English language that would leave even Bush scratching his head:



We get this...

Extreme writing! I find this hilarious:

Her astounding opening speech lasts for more than half of the press conference, and it’s classic Palin: the nouns are there (”governors,” “work,” “2012,” etc.), but everything in between is a hellish, primordial shitheap of misplaced modifiers, abrupt switchings of tense, and sounds that simply are not words.

And gerunds.

There are so many gerunds in places that do not need gerunds. She is insulting you with gerunds. She uses a gerund to start every “sentence” (more like, word-sequence). That is her way of telling you to fuck off and die.


God, I hate gerunds, too. I have an idea. Let's stop electing republican governors so there are no more Republican Governors' Association meetings. Just a thickity thought.

Check This Out

I don't really have much this morning (probably because I haven't visited any major news sites - yet). But I did get an email from Media Matters, in which they took the time to put together this compilation of right wing talk all-stars.

I generally reserve my vitriol of right wing talk radio solely for Michael Savage, but this Cunningham fellow seems like an interesting cat:

The Big Show with Bill Cunningham is a weekday Cincinnati-based radio program that airs from 12:25 p.m. to 3 p.m. ET on Ohio's WLW-AM. The program is also simulcast on XM Radio Channel 173. Cunningham, a former Ohio assistant attorney general, also hosts a nationally syndicated Sunday-night talk program titled Live on Sunday Night, It's Bill Cunningham, which is broadcast live on 325 affiliates, according to its syndicator, Premiere Radio Networks. In 2001, Cunningham received the National Association of Broadcasters' Marconi Radio Award for large-market "Personality of the Year." Cunningham has alleged that "Obama wants to gas the Jews;" compared Obama to Hitler; has repeatedly suggested that if Obama lost the election "there will be 100 cities burning;" has invoked "six, six, six" and "the beast" while discussing Obama; has asserted that "a typical black father... simply leave"; has repeatedly claimed that poor people "lack values"; and has claimed that "the so-called noble poor" don't use birth control so that "the mom can get more checks in the mail from the government."


Wow. Just...Wow!

I'm thinking of an experiment: Could we set a right wing authoritarian follower down, and let them listen to someone like Cunningham vs. someone like Maddow and ask them to point out the disparities? What would such a person's reaction be to hearing a liberal radio host say "George W. Bush wants to gas the Jews"?

I would think that the person would become down right aggressive in his defense against the perceived injustice or criticism directed at his beloved leader. That is one of the main reasons we are rarely successful when trying to rationalize or reason with an authoritarian personality whether it's a leader or a follower. Nearly every decision such people make is based entirely on emotions rather than logic. Like a toddler who doesn't get his or her way in the store, when confronted with a view point that doesn't fit their perception of the status quo, they immediately take on a defensive posture and revert to acting out in a pre-adolescent fashion in order to get their way. And when they don't, look out. Take Bill O'Reilly for example:



Think about what O'Reilly was saying. Since when does a mayor or police chief have the ability to deport someone? They don't. When confronted with the fact that the man in question wasn't deported because he didn't commit a felony (logic and reason - plus it's the law - something that the authoritarian is quick to negate when it becomes an inconvenience), O'Reilly's reaction is to ratchet up the volume and put the safety of Rivera's children in the equation. Then Bill proceeds to tell Rivera what Rivera wants, which is "open border anarchy" - insanity. The rest of the clip entails O'Reilly defensively justifying his position even when he knows (and he knows) he's beaten. This behavior is ludicrous. Imagine a lawyer acting like this in a trial. He'd be immediately disbarred and sent to an insane asylum. Yet so many people in this country feed off this type of rhetoric for their daily fix of emotions because they are incapable of dealing with their own problems in a mature way. It's much easier to project my problems onto someone else and get mad at them rather than deal with my own issues.

When you think about it, it really is quite pathetic that it has come to this. I blame the snozberries and over-dramatic prairie dogs.

Thursday

Flip-flopper?

Duh!

On Wednesday, there was a big change to the government bailout plan and already a lot of people are screaming foul.

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson told us he now has a different plan for how to spend that $700 billion of your money.

When Congress OK'd the bailout package, they all told us it would be spent buying troubled mortgage assets.

That's what Congress voted on. That's what Congress approved.

Now, Paulson says it would be better for the economy if he uses the money to buy bank stocks as a way to help their balance sheets so they are more likely to lend you money for a car or student loan or credit card.

Some today are accusing Paulson of being a flip-flopper.

Here's more of how he explained the big change:

"What we said to Congress was we needed a financial rescue package because the credit markets were stopped up.

"And we were focused on the problem. And when we went to Congress, the liquid assets looked like the way to go.

"As the situation worsened, the facts changed.... And I will never apologize for changing an approach or strategy when the facts change...I think the apology should come the other way: if someone doesn't change when the facts change. I think we move quickly, we move powerfully to address the situation as it exists."


Of course you think the apology should come the other way. You never do anything wrong. You're just like the rest of your Bush-appointed colleagues in that everything you do is right simply because YOU'RE doing it. You cannot do anything wrong. The wrong chromosome is missing from your genetic sequence.

And this surprises people. You know what surprises me? That Bush and Cheney were able to find this many people, with their heads shoved so far up their asses that every time they fart they cause themselves minor brain damage, to fill all the required posts.

Paulson is a Bush appointee for Maude's sake. What the hell did you expect him to do - actually follow through on the original plan? I don't think it's the egregiousness of this shit that's pissing me off anymore. What upsets me nowadays is when people pretend to act surprised and taken back when an administration official does something like this.

What's really ironic is the fact that the people who would benefit the most from the original bailout, middle-class home owners in deep shit, are most likely the same people who shied away from Obama when all the Socialist/Marxist slander was being leveled at him. Oh noes! Don't take my money and give it to the poors. Instead, why don't you just steal it from me and buy bank stocks. Yeah, that's a great idea. I don't care if I lose my house just so long as the CEO of Bear Stearns gets to sleep in his $40,000 bed in his $2 million home tonight.

Wednesday

That's why I didn't vote for her!

via Attaturk at FDL

“The liberal media attacked Sarah Palin because she did not abort her Down syndrome baby," Barone said, according to accounts by attendees. "They wanted her to kill that child. ... I'm talking about my media colleagues with whom I've worked for 35 years.”


- Those of us in the Secret Liberal Institutions and Media Establishment Benevolently Approving of the Looney Leftists (SLIMEBALLs for short) have always held a grudge against anyone who hasn't had an abortion - men included (That's right, some of us hold grudges against ourselves - that's how begrudging we are!). And now that Barone has figured us out, I call on all members of SLIMEBALLs to unite in order to silence his dissenting voice before any more non-SLIMEBALLs are exposed to his message and thusly the true aims of our organization, which is to install abortion/sex toy vending machines on every street corner in small towns across the country making us unbelievably wealthy to a point where we have total control over the global economy. Once this goal is completed, we will force all people residing under our new world order to become gay thereby wiping out the human race so that our alien overlords can repopulate the planet with their kind. I think L. Ron Hubbard actually came up with this idea, we at SLIMEBALLs just expanded and are acting on it. I must now go for I fear I've said too much.

Phew. I know as a liberal I've always questioned why Palin didn't abort that child. I mean, I had heard so, so, SO much about her before she became Walnut's running mate that I could have practically ghost-written her autobiography. Brainless nit.

I'm sad to admit that this is the first time I can remember being exposed to this crazy fucker, but D-A-M-N!!! - this guy is bat-shit insane! I'm going to have to do some research on this fellow.

I really do ♥ Rachel Maddow...

...and that's why I'm posting this picture.

via C&L



Don't fuck with "teh kittehs" whilst they're watching the Rachel.

Oi. Oi vey. Oi vey --> Me =|

As is normal with most mornings, there is a single headline on CNN's frontpage that makes me want to move to the hills and become a subsistence farmer:

President Palin? Alaska governor ponders her future

(Real quick: That is the worst title I think I've ever come up with. Because that title sucks so bad, I refuse to change it. Sometimes we all need to bring ourselves down a few notches and reading that borderline retarded [seriously] title is a good place for me to start.)

1) Why didn't we see any headlines like this after the 2004 election about possible Democratic candidates?

2) Maude, I hope she runs...she's a gold mine:

Ding!

In the past week, the former vice presidential candidate has invited reporters into her home in Alaska, serving them moose chili and moose hot dogs as she opens up about her life and what's next.


After moose dogs and caribou chili we can head down to Walnut's sixteenth house for some of his special BBQ, you media kiss ass.

Ding, ding!

Immediately after the election, she told CNN that she didn't know "what the heck's going to happen in 2012."

"Right now, I cannot even imagine running for national office in 2012," she said after the results came in. "When I say that, of course, [it's] coming on the heels of an outcome that I did not anticipate and had not hoped for."


Really, Sarah? You didn't anticipate losing in a landslide referendum? Okay, way to carry the pulse of the people outside of MooseHotDogVille Wasilla, AK. Also, can you just say "hell" for shit's sake? Trust me, you'll get more voters that way.

Ding, ding, ding...

"I'm like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door," she said in an interview that aired Monday on Fox News.


I'm like totally, totally psyched about the next four years, y'all. Like, it's going to be like totally awesome. Like. (I don't actually have much room to talk here. I use "like" way too much, but I'm not the governor of the geographically largest state in the Union either.)

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding....WINNER!

"And if there is an open door in '12 or four years later, and if it is something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I'll plow through that door."


Yeah, 'cause running for President of the United States is all about improving your family's quality of life first, your state's standing next, and then worrying about the rest of the nation and what kind of opportunity such an office holds for your future...good philosophy. I'm sure the other 329,000,000 people in the U.S. that don't live in Alaska will definitely agree with you.

I gotta throw this last part of the article out there:

Outside of politics, some supporters are hoping Palin will follow former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee's lead and take her folksy charm to the small screen. Huckabee has become a political commentator and talk-show host for Fox News.
advertisement

Before the election, Palin wasn't keen on the idea of hosting a talk show. But being on television would be nothing new for her -- she anchored a local sports segment before she dove into politics.


I hope she does exactly what Huckabee did and becomes a talk show host on what is becoming the most irrelevant and laughed at channel on cable today. Her "folksy charm" is just what the people who still watch Faux News need...Those members of the populous who are incapable of understanding or refuse to comprehend the big words that we Liberals like to use...You know, words like "Constitution", "Checks-and-balances", "Bill of Rights", "Humanity", "Compassion", "Diplomacy", etc...Pretty much the polar opposite of everything the Bush administration and the current Republican party is all about.

Tuesday

Because I can...

...is why I'm posting this.

G-I-R-A-F-F-E-S!!!




Have a lovely day.

Good News

Looks like the evil librul media machine will have its number one propagandist for four more years. When are these media conglomerates going to realize that this is a "center-right" country and stop giving these elitists airtime? At least we still have people getting TV time to remind of where the country's true political leanings are:



(The communist demon on my shoulder says: I've never seen denial manifest itself so tragically as it does in this video clip. These people are getting desperate - even Brokaw has lost it. The country is still "geographically" center-right? That would be relevant if wheat shocks and armadillos in red counties and states could vote, but unfortunately for the Republicans, no one has taken up the cause of armadillos' suffrage as of yet.

And OMG! Karl Rove? Talk about the new standard bearer of wingnut welfare.

The thing that bothers me the most is that major anchors can go on spewing nonsense like this without any kind of systematic checks and balances. Oh, and congratulations to Keith and Rachel. Oh shit, the big mean conservative guy is coming back.)


Thank Maude for folks like Hannity and O'Reilly, who keep the playing field level. We'd surely be lost without their insight and guidance.

This headline woke me up:

Holocaust survivors to Mormons: Stop baptisms of dead Jews

Needless to say, there was quite a bit of head scratching involved until I read that article. I didn't realize that, among the list of common practices, Mormons had taken to baptizing dead people - I would've thought that kind of negates the purpose, but then again I'm not a Mormon. I should try to give Mitt Romney a call.

Monday

Dude...Been there. Surrender.

This guy needs to realize that he's in a fight that he can't win, and he needs to give up (via just about every other blogger in the Universe):

Councilman vows to quit alcohol after public urination bust

Pea-brained [sic] Jersey City Councilman Steven Lipski swore off booze Sunday - two days after he was busted for urinating on a crowd of revelers at a Washington D.C. nightclub.

"I've resolved not to touch alcohol again," Lipski told reporters outside his home.


1) Pea-brained, huh? Apparently, the Republican rag NYDN has hired a bunch of recent kindergarten graduates to head up the editorial staff. Nice move.

2) I know something about alcohol and resolutions - they mix about as well as oil and water and last about as long as it takes me to write the average blog post. What does mix? Alcohol and admissions.

Still, the two-term Democrat refused to admit that he drunkenly relieved himself from the second-floor balcony of the 9:30 club Friday night.


I did a lot of crazy shit in my day, but I don't think I've ever pissed on anyone. I should probably put that on my "Yet List". And he can refuse to admit it all he wants, but I'd tend to think people who aren't tore-up would have a better chance of remembering whether the drunk guy peed on them than the drunk guy himself. Just a thought.

Oh yeah, the guy is a Democrat (ZOM!G!111!!1!) so I suspect that this story will headline on Faux News Channel at least once a day until the 2010 midterm elections.

I ♥ Sarah Palin

Golly gee, I hope she sure does stick around for awhile. When she speaks, those of us who write don't have to get that creative to be funny...She's hilarious in her own right. Part of me actually thinks that Palin is some kind of hyper-intelligent liberal who just got bored and decided to fuck with people to occupy her time (the part that reads Sadly No! - this idea of liberal geniuses masking as wingnuts is Brad's.). On the other hand, she's like O'Reilly in that you couldn't invent a character as absurd as she is - such a personality just isn't believable. Take some of these quotes from a recent interview, which I will graciously translate into non-politician speak:

Q. Why do you think your campaign lost?

A. I think the Republican ticket represented too much of the status quo, too much of what had gone on in these last eight years, that Americans were kind of shaking their heads like going, wait a minute, how did we run up a 10 trillion dollar debt in a Republican administration? How have there been blunders with war strategy under a Republican administration? If we're talking change, we want to get far away from what it was that the present administration represented and that is to a great degree what the Republican Party at the time had been representing. So people desiring change I think went as far from the administration that is presently seated as they could. It's amazing that we did as well as we did.


Translation: Republicans really suck. They are damn near the polar opposite of King Midas. Everything they've touched for the last eight years has turned into a steaming pile of shit. Wait...I'm a Republican? I forgot...In that case, we did amazing considering how much we sucktastically suck.

Q. There's been an enormous amount of information about you that Alaskans have been exposed to the past couple of months -- and lots of it very critical. What are Alaskans supposed to make of all this?

A. Regarding information regarding my record, that is now out there, much of it that was based on misinformation was a very, very frustrating thing to have to go through when the record was never corrected. And we would try to correct the record and too many in the media chose not to make those corrections.

Q. What misinformation are you talking about?

A. Some of the goofy things like who was Trig's mom. Well, I'm Trig's mom (raises her hand) and do you want to see my medical records to prove that? ... And banning books. That was a ridiculous thing also that could have so easily been corrected just by a reporter taking an extra step and not basing a report on gossip or speculation. But just looking into the record. It was reported that I tried to ban Harry Potter when it hadn't even been written when I was the mayor. So, gosh, we have so many examples, I mean every day, especially the first few weeks, every day something that was thrown out there.


Translation: Did you know that people lie about you when you're out there politicking. That's not very nice, and gosh darnit, we Alaskans don't like to do that. By the way, Barack Obama is a Communist homosexual with a Marxist agenda to steal all your money and give it to black people who will then use that money to enslave all white people and force them to wear baggy clothes and listen to that hip hop music.

Q. One of the things that came up during the campaign is that you charge the state per diem for time spent here in Wasilla. Is that something you are going to continue to do?

A. We've always followed the law and fully disclosed all that. The choice there in many months of the Juneau mansion being re-plumbed and all the improvements being made in the infrastructure of the Juneau house, where we weren't going to be there anyway. Knowing that in the end it would have cost the state more money to do what other governors had done and that is either charge the state for hotel rooms. Or the state rents you an apartment like they did for Governor Murkowski. We said no, we just won't sell our house, knowing that we're going to spend quite a bit of time here, especially those months where the remodels were taking place in the governor's mansion. And we would disclose my per diem, we wouldn't try to hide it ... trying to go above and beyond, not accepting any per diem for the kids or Todd at all, they've lived outside of the governor's house. Trying to follow the rules and doing what is legal and ethical and full disclosure.

Same with the family's travel. That's baffled me that all of a sudden two years later, again, never having tried to hide anything with either traveling back and forth to Juneau for first family events that were outside the capital city, in bringing Piper and, once in a while, Willow with me also, that anybody would think that I was trying to hide that they came with me ... just trying to do my job and part of my job is with the first family, having them with me at some of these events.


Translation: I can't believe somebody actually took the time to check up on all my spending. Don't you people have anything better to do. Hell, McCain's people didn't even take the time to vet that information, and they picked me to be his running mate for Cripe's sake! Also, I can't do this politicking thing alone. I need my children with me everywhere I go. It's their job to act as human shields for me when the liberal media starts asking me questions. They aren't supposed to be asking me questions. What's with all these questions. You act like I represent an entire population or something...leave me alone. Willow, where are you?

Alright. I gotta end it here otherwise I'd be doing this all day. You get the point. She's still crazy.

Saturday

Vengeance, thy name is B. Hussein Obama...

...and all you wingnuts can suck on this for awhile (via Bluegal at C&L):

How BIG was Obama's victory? As it now stands, with North Carolina upping his total to 364, he could've spotted McCain New York and California and still won with 8 to spare. Let that sink in for a minute; a suntanned big city liberal Democrat named Barack Hussein Obama has won the presidency and did not need the New York and California electoral votes to do it.


Oh, Karl Rove - I taste your tears of unfathomable sadness. Yummy!

Friday

Sadly, No...



W. cannot serve a third term. And I'm sure if you're reading this, you are just as broken up about that as this guy was.

The great thing about America is that this man is entitled to hold whatever opinion he feels like, and there is nothing anyone can legally do about it - no matter how fucking completely ignorant, moronic, simple, brainless, obtuse, senseless, witless, inane, laughable, ludicrous, dense, vapid, and completely bereft of any semblance of temporal cognizance whatsoever said opinion my represent. Cheers.

I've been stretching...

...and I suggest you start doing the same...



...that way we can all collectively kiss our asses good-bye in four years!

400!!!

No, it's not the sequel to 300. That would be kind of tough to pull off seeing as how all the Spartans died at the end of the first one; although, they managed to make 982 Halloween movies with Jason dying at the end of each so I guess anything is possible.

This is the 400th post on Daily Dia"Tribe"! What does that mean? Everyone who reads this gets a free cup of coffee at Karl'z Grille today, which means they will probably be giving away one free cup of coffee.

I was going to write something snarky - something that more than likely only I would find funny. And believe me when I say that Glenn "prove you're not a Muslim" Beck said something so profoundly stupid yesterday that I immediately lost a year's worth of higher education the moment I heard it. I may have to delve into that later. But for now, I've decided to not pursue that route on this momentous occasion. Instead I would like to dedicate this post to the one person who I look up to more than any other, Bill Brasky:





Thursday

A tidbit...

I grew up in what is apparently the second most Republican county in the state of Pennsylvania.  According to this NYT chart, ~72% of the votes cast in my birth county were for Walnuts.

I was sharing this information with my colleagues and someone asked why that is to which I replied, "Racism".  I'm not kidding.  That may be an oversimplification, but nonetheless, I grew up in a place where people fall on rough times and get through such occasions by clinging to their Bibles and their guns.  Literally.  If not for churches and hunting, a lot of people where I come from wouldn't be able to put food on the table.  A lot of these people have been fucked over by change so many times in their lives that they are genuinely afraid of a future outside of the norm and they fear perceived differences.

I'm not joking when I say that people who are not white are treated as second class citizens in my home town.  I wouldn't even say "second-class".  It's more like they aren't even acknowledged as existing except only to serve as the punchline in someone's lunch-counter jokes.  It sad, but it's true.  I don't even want to think about the number of times I was seriously asked, "You're not actually going to vote for that nigger, are you?" while I was visiting.  I hard to admit this, but I didn't even tell anyone in my hometown that I was volunteering for the campaign as much as possible out of fear for my own safety. 

I am sincerely disheartened by what I saw when I clicked on that chart.

I've always said that I love my hometown but despise my homepeople, which makes me feel guilty because I feel like these people could actually change if they tried.  Things like this kind of crush that optimism. 



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You Stay Classy Fox News

Ugh!  SJIHBO



You know as much as I love making fun of Sarah Palin, I'm starting to feel a little sympathy for her. She is getting thrown under the bus freaking hard core in the wake of the election results. Yes, Sarah Palin is most certainly "a" reason Walnuts lost big time, but she is not "the" reason that St. McCain tanked.

And Bill's cynicism has reached epic proportions.  "I'm sure there's a book in it for somebody."  I'm reminded of something Ed Brayton recently wrote:

"I love Bill O'Reilly. If you had to invent a character as ridiculous as him, you couldn't do it. No one would believe it."


Amen.

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Go Fuck Yourself.

I was gonna write "Go Cheney yourself", but that wouldn't adequately summarize my contempt for Joe "Fuck-neck" Lieberman ( via C&L):

Lieberman: What? You Guys Won? I Didn't Mean All Those Things! Really!!

"I sincerely congratulate President-elect Obama for his historic and impressive victory. America remains a nation of extraordinary opportunity and the American people are a people of extraordinary fairness. Now that the election is over, it is time to put partisan considerations aside and come together as a nation to solve the difficult challenges we face and make our blessed land stronger and safer. I pledge to work with President-elect Obama and his incoming Administration in their efforts to reinvigorate our economy and keep our nation secure and free."




Kiss MY ass, traitor. God, I hope Ned Lamont is still around in 2012 - can't we just break the rules this once, and kick that asshole out of the Senate right now?

Wowsers!

Hey, if they like Scrabble that much, I say more power to 'em (via Telegraph):

Extreme Scrabble fans photographed playing in amazing locations



The fans played on the African savannah next to lions, alongside alligators in a Florida swamp, underwater with sharks in the Bahamas, and in freefall while skydiving at 13,000ft (3,900m).


Yeah, because the first thing to cross my mind after jumping out of a plane at 13,000 ft. would be how to get a triple-letter score with that "z" I pulled before bailing out.

Braver than I!

Wednesday

Safe so far...

Well, we are about 14 hours into President-elect Obama's new reign as Mullah-in-Chief/Overlord of the Seventh Circle of Hell, and I have yet to be attacked by a rabid pack of tofu-brandishing, Che Guevara t-shirt wearing homos. Also, from what I've been told, the sun will continue to rise and set on schedule for about the next 5 - 10 billion years despite the outcome of yesterday's election.

Oh Noes!!!

The scary black dude with a weird name who celebrates Islamo-communo-fascisto-liberal-homo-hippie-voodoo-baby eating-kitten killing-ideals won! The world is going to end. I literally heard a woman say that while I was getting coffee this morning at like 5:00. I don't know about you folks, but I'm scared as hell at the thought of this being the future of Amuurrrrica:



Scary looking bunch of shifty liberals who want to turn your children into Marxist robots hell bent on destroying democracy and ushering in an era of a New Communist World Order.


Okay, enough stupidity. That wasn't even really funny. I'm exhausted and drunk with excitement and hope (which is much better than actually being drunk, right Pat? - inside joke!).

In all seriousness though, at least the stalwart of national security that is Sarah Palin can get back to her normal job of keeping an eye on the three people that live in Northeastern Russia, or hunting endangered species from a helicopter, or trying to get Alaska to secede from the Union, or being governor of Alaska, or whatever the hell it is that she does. I was worried that if McCain won we'd have no one in the Arctic Circle holding things down. I can put that fear to bed and finally get some sleep. Peace out.

It's a whole new day!

P.S.: In the few hours of sleep I actually did get last night, I had a dream that I was playing the song that I posted yesterday on a brand new guitar. What does that mean? I don't know, but it was pretty frickin' cool. Somethings are too coincidental to be coincidental.

Stay up pimps!

Tuesday

I'm freakin' out!!!

I can't even describe how I feel today. I've been praying since I woke up this morning that the nightmare of the past eight years will be over by tomorrow morning. The energy in the campaign headquarters here in State College yesterday was incredible - I was out pounding the pavement for B-rack for a few hours yesterday, and I didn't see a single McCain campaign volunteer the entire time. I guess they've given up on Penn State.

Well, there's still more work to be done, so I'm gonna get out of here. But first, this song has been running through my head constantly for the past few hours, and I just found this acoustic version, which is one of the most A-1 bad ass things I've seen in awhile...



Vote today - we can do something about the sorrow right here, right now. Remember: If nothing changes, nothing changes!

Monday

Blimey.

Thank God I will be out stumping for the big O in a matter of minutes because if I see anything much more stupid than this, there's a good chance that I'll go blind.

(via Shakesville)

Jackasses chanting "John McCain. Not Hussein." at a Walnuts rally over the weekend offer up this stellar explanation for their personal dumb-assery:

After the rally in Florida ended, two of the people leading the chant explained why they did so.

“Because it rhymes,” said Shirley Mitten, 64, a volunteer at a pregnancy center and a resident of Brooksville, Fla.


It rhymes? Said the wank-stain supporting McCain. That rhymes too.

She said she does not know if Mr. Obama is a Muslim. “He says he’s not, but we have no way of knowing,” Ms. Mitten said.


Other than the fact that he's been a member of the same Christian church for over twenty years. You know Shirley, we have no way of knowing that you're competent to be alone in public (and from what I can tell, you're not), but that's the great thing about civil liberties: You don't have to explain yourself to anyone you chose not to.

Her husband is a mental giant as well (my bold):

Her husband, John A. Mitten, 64, took credit for starting the chant. “I was trying to get it going!” he said. “I just do not want Obama to be elected.”

Mr. Mitten said he could not trust Mr. Obama because of his past association with William Ayers, the 1960’s radical, and because of his relationship with the Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr. He also pointed out that Mr. Obama’s father was a Muslim.

The middle name Hussein, he said, added to the suspicion. “I guess Obama was named after Saddam Hussein,” he said."


Oi vey!

C-ya in a few days and remember to...

VOTE!!!

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

What the fuck?

Awwww!

Somebody call the whaaambulance:



Jeebus, Cindy. Drink some more Kool-aid. I like when she mentions all that Palin has done...like what? Name one thing.

You can even get a cool t-shirt:



I've already ordered a dozen to give out as Christmas presents. Get your's too, for a limited time only. I know you all want to walk around sporting a t-shirt relaying Cindy McCain's opinion of Sarah Palin's treatment by the "so-called pundits" that aren't on her husband's side.? Okay, I gotta get a grip.

Daily dose light...

...as I will be politicking for the next two days - starting this morning at about 10:00. These next 48 hours are gonna be a marathon.