Friday

I get emails...

...from people who are obviously not aware of my political ideology. Take for example this gem that just made its way into my inbox:


After reading the following historical facts,
read the part about Switzerland, twice.


A LITTLE GUN HISTORY
In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control... From 1929 to 1953, about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded
up and exterminated.


------------------------------

In 1911, Turkey established gun control. From 1915 to 1917, 1..5 millionArmenians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated.


------------------------------

Germany established gun control in 1938 and from 1939 to 1945, a totalof 13 million Jews, and others who were unable to defend themselves, were
rounded up and exterminated.


------------------------------
China established gun control in 1935. >From 1948 to 1952, 20 millionpolitical dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated

------------------------------

Guatemala established gun control in 1964. >From 1964 to 1981, 100,000 Mayan Indians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated..


------------------------------

Uganda established gun control in 1970. From 1971 to 1979, 300,000 Christians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated


------------------------------

Cambodia established gun control in 1956. From 1975 to 1977, one million educated people, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.

-----------------------------


Defenseless people rounded up and exterminated in the 20th Centurybecause of gun control: 56 million!


------------------------------

You won't see this data on the US evening news, or hear politicians disseminating this information.

Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property and, yes, gun-control laws adversely affect only the law-abiding citizens

Take note, my fellow Americans, before it's too late!

The next time someone talks in favor of gun control, please remind them of this history lesson.

With guns, we are 'citizens.'


Without them, we are 'subjects'.

During WWII the Japanese decided not to invade America because they knew most Americans were ARMED!

If you value your freedom, please spread this anti-gun control message to all of your friends.

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more
important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.


SWITZERLAND ISSUES EVERY HOUSEHOLD A GUN!


SWITZERLAND'S GOVERNMENT TRAINS EVERY ADULT THEY ISSUE A RIFLE.


SWITZERLAND HAS THE LOWEST GUN RELATED CRIME RATE OF ANY CIVILIZED COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!!!


IT'S A "NO-BRAINER"!


DON'T LET OUR GOVERNMENT WASTE MILLIONS OF OUR TAX DOLLARS IN AN EFFORT TO MAKE ALL LAW ABIDING CITIZENS AN EASY TARGET.

I'm a firm believer of the 2nd Amendment!


If you are too,
please forward this message.


Just think how CONTROLLING our government is BECOMING!


They think these other countries just didn't do it right.


Learn from history!


One question that came to mind while reading this was:

"Just who does the author of this email anticipate being 'rounded up and executed' in this country in the next few years if stricter gun control laws are enacted and enforced?"

Christians? Conservatives? White people? Who?

Aside from that ray of stupidity, I love the logic in this email. I've decided to use this to make another "fact" based conclusion.

In 1956, the government enacted the Federal-Aid Highway Act of 1956, which established the National Interstate System.

Since 1975, over 40,000 people have been executed by automobile accidents annually resulting in the deaths of more than 1.36 million citizens.

Don't let the government build more roads - they are killing people.

See how that works.

F$%king Idiots...

It would seem folks over at Worldnut Daily(no linky-linky to them) are metaphorically shitting themselves (some of them are probably literally shitting themselves too) over some jag-off who is selling "Obama flags" on eBay. Here is the offending materiél:



This is stupid, and not very patriotic. I will agree. That flag is also very contradictory to the U.S. Flag Code, which is NOT LAW just code. I'll tell what else I think is stupid and unpatriotic - tea stained, and thus desecrated flags available for just under $75 dollars...where? You guessed it!



ASS!

My thoughts

This is from an email exchange that I've been having this morning with a friend regarding Obama's winning the Nobel Peace Prize, which I am admittedly happy about. But I don't think we need to declare a national holiday and go dancing in the streets. Here is what I had to say earlier:

I could give a shit less about all of this...the thing that I’m hoping for is that the right (Fox and the like) will get so fucking hyperbolically busy shitting in their cereal about this award that they will start concentrating on how this is some sort of global conspiracy to make George W. Bush look bad (which he did a pretty good job of that himself), and they will stop spreading misinformation and flat out lying about health care reform. Then perhaps we can actually get something done about it.

It’s like when I was a kid and I was trying to do something and my dog wouldn’t let me alone: I would get one of his toys and start playing with it myself making him jealous. Then after a bit I would let him get it from me and he would go away feeling super proud and making a big spectacle of the fact that he now had the toy and he would leave me alone so I could get whatever I was trying to do finished.

That’s what I see here: Here Glenn, Rush, Bill, Sean...go froth at the mouth over this for awhile so we can actually get something done without you turning it into Obama wants a senior citizen genocide.


Personally, for once I'm looking forward to hearing what the right wing has to say about all of this. It's surely going to make for an interesting few weeks.

Tuesday

I feel much better about myself...

...after watching this clip from the Couric/Beck interview:



Actually, that's not true. I mean it's true in the sense that listening to Beck's attempted deflection of Couric's question makes my thoughts about going to the grocery store later tonight seem like the next greatest thing since general relativity, but I also feel an uncomfortable sense of embarrassment for Beck.

His brand of shithouse mouse insanity is truly a sight to behold.

You Win

(via encore une fois, le general)

Watch, as this American Patriot, decimates Democrats with a contraposition fortified with so much rationale that the dissertation renders itself logically impenetrable.



Obama = ACORN ; Democrat = IDIOT Q.E.D.

(And no, not quantum electrodynamics - I'm sure he's waiting for his next you tube video to tackle that brain bender.)

To top it off, this man further demoralizes me, Idiot Democrat, by acknowledging his stutter and then inviting me to poke fun at it. In doing so, he removes the impetus driving the one thing more than any other that I would have proffered as a counter to his assertion that Obama is ACORN - my ability to fall back on grammar school bullying to make a point.

Anyone can say, "Prove it." or "Do you have any evidence to back up your claim that Obama is ACORN?", but those arguments are predictable and someone of such magnificent genius as this fellow in the video above more than likely has thousands of hours of Glenn Beck Tivoed that he would no doubt reference as proof of his claim.

However, by acknowledging his stutter he undercuts the only argument that could stand a chance against his superior induction skills, which also happens to be the argument I would have relied on to cast doubt into the minds of the millions of Idiot Democrats who will no doubt switch party affiliation after watching this masterpiece of expostulation:

"If one stutters, one is lying."

I'll be slinking off to the corner now to cry myself back to sleep.

ATTN: Fellow NWO Members...

(via le general)

Dude was put here for two things, chewin' bubblegum and kickin' butt, and he's on his last piece of chewin' gum.



Oi vey! This guy is like a cyborg hybrid of Gilbert Gottfried and Dolly Parton that runs on crystal meth and chewing tobacco. Oh....and bubblegum.


"You'd be better off tippin' (or ticklin') a tiger's butt in a phone booth than to come screw with an American patriot!"



UPDATE: This is like a car wreck...I know I shouldn't be staring, but I just can't stop.

Monday

Sigh!

via C&L





"Thank you 7ox News 7or keeping us infromed."

Tragic.

Wednesday

Dear Anonymous,

From the comments of the most recent post not including this one:

UM...have you ever considered seeing a psychiatrist?? I have been reading through your blogs and this is the most ridiculous blog ever!! WOW!!


Well, first of all, let me thank you for bestowing my blog with your (what I can only assume is honorary) title of "The Most Ridiculous Blog Ever" - it's quite an achievement for me. This is my first blog award, and I'm really happy about it even though I'm not sure it's officially recognized by the NBA (National Bloggers Association). But I don't care...they've been ignoring me for two years now.

And thanks also for the all capitals "WOW!!" at the end. That's usually the way I feel after I write most of these posts so I'm glad you felt the same way after reading some of them.


Which brings me to my only point of concern: Did you do any investigating before giving me this award or did you find my blog so wowing that you just made the title up and gave it to me on the spot?

I don't think you did do the requisite research, and that worries me because I don't want to lose this MOST AWESOME HONOR on account of a technicality. You see, Anonymous, there already is a "The Most Ridiculous Blog". There is also another blog titled "Utterly Ridiculous". And a "Ridiculous Blog"!

Do you see why I'm a bit anxious about potentially losing my first award? My fears are lessened upon careful inspection of your comment, however, when I see that you have anointed "Daily DiaTribe" "The Most Ridiculous Blog EVER".

WOW!! "Ever" ... That's almost as good as eternity. Almost. My blog is like the Highlander.

Just in case those other poser ridiculous blogs get in a tiff about me getting this award and not even having the words "most" or "ridiculous" in the title, I'm proposing that you set up and referee the most ridiculous steel cage death match ever between the wannabe ridiculous blogs and my blog. My blog is pretty tough so the others' blogs can even bring their friends if they want. Maybe the most absurd blog and the most preposterous blog will help them. Winner take all - and the losers blogs have to...wait, it's a death match so the losers will be dead.

Can one actually "kill" a website? Is that in and of itself a ridiculous notion? I digress...

Anyway, to answer your question about me seeing a psychiatrist:

Funny you should bring that up now. I was just talking about that with my cat the other day. I floated the idea of seeing a head doctor. When my cat asked why, I told him because I'm having a conversation with a cat! He asked, "How do you think that makes me feel?" And I realized that I was being selfish. I tried to apologize, but the damage had already been done. We haven't talked for two days now. I miss his poetry and his short stories.

No matter...I shouldn't trouble you with my problems.

Thanks, Anonymous...YOU ROCK!!! WOW!!

Question

I was reading this post by Ed Brayton this morning, and he has brought up a great point:

Where were all the astro-turf, tea-baggging, "get your government hands off me" conservatives when Terri Schiavo's husband wanted to take her off life support?

The people that are disrupting town hall meetings today with the premise that they are opposed to national health care because it means government intrusion into peoples' private lives are the same ones that wanted the Supreme fracking Court to intervene and keep Schiavo's husband from making a decision that he was legally obliged to make.

These kinds of contradictions would be worth pointing out to the astro-turfers, but assuming they understand what irony is would be taking a leap of faith I'm not ready to take.

I'm quite certain that even if the turfers did understand irony it wouldn't matter because Glenn Beck would blame the Schiavo thing on liberals and tea-baggers would believe him.

I'm just going to start blaming Glenn Beck for everything.

I told you I was lazy.

Thursday

Joe Conservative

(copied verbatim from here except for the few paragraphs I wrote at the end)

"A Day in the Life of Joe Middle-Class Republican"

Joe gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and work as advertised.

All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. Joe’s bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; His bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medicals benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe’s employer pays these standards because Joe’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn’t think he should loose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

Its noon time, Joe needs to make a Bank Deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some liberal wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his life-time.

Joe is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dads; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification. (Those rural Republican’s would still be sitting in the dark)

He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn’t have to. After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home.

He turns on a radio talk show, the host’s keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. (He doesn’t tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day) Joe agrees, "We don’t need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I’m a self made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have".


I can think of a few Joe Conservative's in my life. There isn't really anything else to say other than this is the way it is because this is the way it's presented. Joe Conservative hears "Government = bad" because the government is an easy target - the blame has to go somewhere and it's most convenient to stick it to the biggest target.

Liberals are quick (myself included) to point to the hyperbolic ravings on TV personalities like Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly as the main problem. Granted, these talking heads are part of the problem, but there is a much deeper issue of intellectual laziness (OMG! I'm such a fucking elitist) that underpins the rhetoric of TV hosts such as Beck.

This intellectual laziness is a self-destructive form of instant gratification by means of logical convenience. People like Beck preach a message that is pre-designed to assign emotions and feelings with the tangible (color, size, shape). That's convenient. Brown = bad. Big = bad. Et cetera.

I blame us. Not because we're stupid or dumb. Because, in general, we are fucking lazy. I am. I am instinctively lazy. It is my visceral predisposition to look for the path of least resistance.

But I'm lucky. Today, at least, I can often (not always by any means) catch myself looking for the shortcuts. Trying to find an easier, softer way. What I know now is that the apparently easier, softer way is not a path to happiness at all. It's a path to mental suicide.

Wednesday

The Middle East...

...in Faux Newsistan World:



(from here)

It's not even like the people at Fox try to hide the fact that they're fucking morons anymore.

Monday

Get her a PAC already...

This kid is gonna go far:



My favorite part of this whole video is the two kids in the background. I nearly spit up my cereal when the little dude started shaking his head in an emphatic "NO" motion when this woman starts talking about growing fruit (~1:30).

"Growing food is so good for the people because it's free...all you have to do is pay the farmers and pay for the land and it's new land."

Well, I'll sleep better tonight knowing that George W. Bush has found gainful employment writing speeches for this up and coming political juggernaut.

Tuesday

Yeah!

(no doubt...The General)



So is RC Cola! Drink Coke or you're queer! Also (I can't believe this is the first I'm hearing of this):

Wednesday

Mother of Mercy...

...this is just embarrassing. I used to derive some pleasure from watching groups of disjoint right-wing fools make asses of themselves, but now it's just starting to hurt.



At that protest we have one lady suggesting that Letterman will "rape your children with his mouth" while some guy is arguing against the dangers of socialism as he is flailing around in what I can only assume is an attempt to caricature the African American woman he was arguing with as some kind of 80's sitcom persona (Oh no he dit-int!). Ass. Another woman is questioning why we aren't talking about Letterman's "bastard son" and his "slut" wife at a protest in support of Sarah Palin, whose daughter just gave birth to a BASTARD SON A FEW MONTHS AGO!!! If your head is starting to hurt you are not alone - a little piece of my brain just crawled out of my nose and punched me in the eye for making it process this nonsense. I can't make this shit up. These folks are that fucking dumb.

On my new favorite quote list:

"You can‘t win arguments with people who don‘t deal in facts."

- Rachel Maddow

She was discussing the continued futile attempts by members of the former administration to justify their "enhanced interrogation techniques" by claiming that such methods were useful in obtaining information that prevented further attacks on U.S. interests.

Their poster child, Khalid Sheik Mohammed, has now admitted to making up stories about bin Laden in order to prevent more torture. C&L's Videocafe has more.

Tuesday

Awesome!

via the General:

This makes me proud to be an American...



...where at least this guy is free (to dress like a dumbass for his prom).

Let me get my tarot cards out and make a prediction. I see two possibilities for this dude's future:

1) Unfathomable regret that he dressed up like Gary Busey's character in Tommy Boy for his senior prom and genuine embarrassment that he actually allowed himself to be photographed looking rather proud dressed as such.

2)

Monday

Posted Without Comment...

William "The Bloody" Kristol writing at The Weekly Standard, which I will not link to:

Of course, everyone’s first choice for president in 2012 is Dick Cheney. But Liz Cheney’s boffo performance yesterday in the lefties’ den, MSNBC, defending sensible interrogation policies in the war on terror, surely puts her in contention for the runner-up position.


?

Teh Funny...

It's been awhile, and there is some funny that must go up:

Yes liberal cohorts, they are starting to find that there is strength in numbers. The tea party people are coming, and you are NOT going to like the message they are bringing with them:



Her husband, this guy:



Could not be reached for comment, but her mother:



Is super proud. Meanwhile, her number one fan has taken up a new cause:



I'm glad to see someone finally standing up to "bad goverments walls hipocricy"!!!

Mah Gawd, it physically hurt me to type that last sentence.

Well, I’m off into the real world once again to teabag some liberals, put the morans in their place, make sure that people realize that this is Amurrrrica where we only need to speak Amurrrrrrican, and help make sure ignernt hipocrits in the bad governments don’t build walls.

I’ll see you on the front lines, patriots.

Oi!

You're a Dick!

No, not you. Him:



Dick Cheney, surfacing from an undisclosed location where he currently enjoys his retirement feeding on rabid kittens and childrens' dreams, appeared on CNN's State of The Union this weekend to...well, I'm not sure why the hell he appeared on CNN. And in case your wondering, he's still reality-non-compliant:

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Former Vice President Dick Cheney on Sunday defended the Bush administration's economic record, the invasion of Iraq and the treatment of suspected terrorists, warning that reversing its anti-terrorism policies endangers Americans.

[snip]

But Cheney said the United States has "accomplished nearly everything we set out to do" in Iraq, including establishing a democratic government in the Middle East.


Delusional.

"I had my say," Cheney told CNN. "I got my chance to voice my views and my objections. I didn't think the North Koreans were going to keep their end of the bargain in terms of what they agreed to, and they didn't."


Dick Cheney: Soothsayer and prophet of national security.

The Obama administration has nominated Christopher Hill, the State Department official who was the top U.S. negotiator with North Korea, to be the U.S. ambassador to Iraq. Cheney said Hill lacks the Middle East experience that his predecessors have, and "I did not support the work that Chris Hill did with respect to North Korea."

"I think it's a choice that I wouldn't have made," he said.


That's good news. We can be all but sure that Chris Hill will be wildly successful if Dick opposes his nomination.

Thursday

Busy Busy Busy

Sorry...I've been so busy with work and life that something has to suffer, and it's my blogging. Unfortunately, it's about number 523 on my top 100 priorities list. Hopefully, things will start to calm down within the month. I don't know why (well I have an idea, but that's another post in and of itself), but things seem to get really crazy for the months of March and April every year.

De Facto Captain

I just read this on CNN this morning, and I don't think I've ever heard anything put so brilliantly this week:

The idiotic debate raging in Washington this week around Michael Steele, the newly elected chairman of the nearly defunct Republican Party, and Rush Limbaugh, a conservative icon for the past 35 years, is beyond foolish.

The battle to be the "de facto leader" of this party is akin to the question of who wants to steer the Titanic after it hit the iceberg.


That.Is.Beautiful.

Wednesday

Yikes!

Apparently, it's going to be a video day. Max Blumenthal should win a Pulitzer for hilarity. This is like three years in a row he has showed up at CPAC and he continues to find clowns who have a special gift for self-embarrassment. This guy is just sad...

Uhhhh?

No.



There has been much speculation on the toobz as to this whole Jonathan Krohn "mini-Rush" from CPAC. Personally, I think he's an alien. Or a robot.

If he's neither, then Child Services should take him away from his parents...I'm not joking. Someone is robbing this kid of his childhood, and it should not be allowed to happen. Conservatives would not allow Liberals to do this without verbally shitting themselves in every major media outlet that would have them, which is pretty much every major media outlet.

There would be a Vesuvius-like eruption of indignation from the right, spearheaded by the usual lineup of fucktards. "Look at how evil the Liberals are; using a child to promote their far-left agenda. They should be ashamed."

IOKIYAR, I guess.

Tuesday

This is farkin' awesome...

From the General's review of Joe the Plumber's book at Amazon:

This is a great book, one every true conservative should buy, and more importantly, read. Yes, I know that sounds like a tall order, but it's an easy read. Joe uses one and two syllable words (many of them, written forms of various grunts) almost exclusively. If I have one complaint, it's that the publisher, Pearlgate, printed it in ink rather than crayon like the original manuscript. Other than that, I think it truly is the perfect book for the average conservative.


Also, things have been light because I've actually had to do real laboratory work these past couple of weeks as opposed to my norm of sitting in front of a computer and pretending to work.

Monday

Top Ten via DU (with a side of extra stupidity)

Here it is...

Extra dumb:

Look at this screen shot of Rush's CPAC speech last week from CNN's live broadcast:



At the bottom the screen reads, [Limbaugh speaking]:"Conservatives want every American to be the best".

Uh...something's awry...Oh yeah, I remember why this seems like a fucked up thing for Rush to say. It wasn't more than six weeks ago that he said this about the President of the United States of America:

I would be honored if the Drive-By Media headlined me all day long: “Limbaugh: I Hope Obama Fails.” Somebody’s gotta say it.


Straight-up, no-questions-asked A-S-S-H-O-L-E.

Wednesday

"The Bubba Effect"?

Oi!




I'm typing this as I'm watching the clip. Let me say this: At no point in time does the opening statement from the alleged retired Command Sergeant Major make any sense whatsoever. "...[Y]ou see the other Texans and Arizonans that aren't gonna allow to be arrested (sic)...uh...because of the first and second individuals at war. So your second, third orders of effect (sic) are gonna become your Bubbas hunkering down and being anti-government."

What.The.Fuck.Is.He.Talking.About?

I'm done. Thank, God.

Uh. Wow. Ummmmmm...that was weird. Really, really weird. That segment had to be rehearsed at least once before it was shot. Beck's incredulity is just way too disingenuous to be "off-the-cuff".

Brad from SadlyNo! points out what should be obvious but seemingly escapes these Faux News asshelmets:

I just don’t get it.

During Bush’s presidency people like me were called traitors on a fairly regular basis because we didn’t show Bush the proper deference when he’d do some goofy shit like choke on a pretzel. Now we have guys on the teevee that are openly talking about armed insurrection against a democratically elected government and it’s considered the most patriotic and pro-American thing a feller could do with hisself.

This sort of thing doesn’t really offend me because I think most of Beck’s viewers would back down from starting a new civil war once they learned that it would likely lead to Cheeto rationing. But I am amazed at the sheer cognitive dissonance involved in simultaneously believing that it’s treasonous to peacefully oppose an unjustified war but that it’s patriotic to lead an armed insurrection against the government because they want to pay you unemployment benefits. If there’s a weirder political movement than American conservatism, I’ve yet to see it.


I like the chyron at the bottom of the screen when there's only about a minute left. 2014: Survival skills become vital.

Tell me about it. Using my secret time machine, I was able to travel to Beck's post-ObamalypseTM,©1 future and return with video:



The future looks awesome!

1Yeah...I'm trademarking and copyrighting "Obamalypse" as well as any and all variations thereof including but not limited to: "Obamalyptic"

Ouch...

I didn't watch the SOTU or the Redumblican response last night. But if the chatter on the toobz this morning is any indication, it would seem as though LA Governor Bobby Jindal's reply to the President's speech was unsurprisingly shit-tastic. So much so that even some of the cheerleaders were dissin'. Here's a mash up from Think Progress:



I despise Charles a.k.a. "Wheels McDouchebag"* Krauthammer.

*Cf.

Tuesday

Tuesday D'oh!

Kurt Vonnegut wrote in Sirens of Titan "The big trouble with dumb bastards is that they are too dumb to believe there is such a thing as being smart."

Ernie Mannix falls into that category of colossal stupidity - in fact, my instincts are telling me that Vonnegut was referencing Ernie specifically. To wit:

(BigHo Oscar coverage via TBogg)

Oh great now the Mormans are rioting again.

by Ernie Mannix

Thanks for nothing Sean.


I can't figure out how to type characters representative of the sound that came out of my mouth when I read that. A combination of Greek letters and Roman numerals coupled with a few of these things, *&%^$*, might be close.

Monday

Monday Morning "This just made my day" Moment

One of my good friends is traveling to Florida today, and he happened to get shafted with a two hour layover in the Detroit airport. At this point he emailed me this photo of what is apparently former Senator Larry Craig's (R - duh!) new business venture after resigning from the U.S. senate:



I hope things work out for him. My friend that is...Well, I hope things work out for Larry too!

In case you need to refresh your memory, this is Larry Craig:



Yeah...Nobody could have seen that airport bathroom gay sex thing coming.

Thursday

Sweet!

I have a confession. When I stumble across something this farkin' crazy, I get super giddy inside. Like a little kid who is about to get all sorts of candy or toys. I mean really, really silly...If you get bored today, check out this link:

Fixed Earth dot Com

I LOVE IT!!! I've never met someone as scientifically insane as the people who must have authored that site. Consequently, I have a hard believing that such people are even real. I guess that's the downside of being a scientist-in-training (I don't know what's with the work references today...sorry). I'm fascinated just thinking that there are people out there who are this obtuse. For example:

Christians must realize that the Bible teaches a stationary, immovable Earth at the center of the universe with the sun, moon, and stars going around it daily as observed. No more excuses; no more twisting the plain Scriptures because of fear that “science” is right. Just get it in your mind real good that the Bible does teach what the whole world denies, namely, a stationary Earth at the center of the universe.


A-w-e-s-o-m-e. The Bible also teaches that:

- The eating of fat is prohibited forever.

Leviticus 3:17

- People who have flat noses, or are blind or lame, cannot go to an altar of God

Leviticus 21:17-18

- etc...

What else? Ooh! - this one is funny:

Physicists Create Phony Math To Rule Out A Non-Moving Earth


* “The teaching of the self-movement of matter received its full development in the dialectical materialism of Marx, Engles, and Lenin.”29 [Does that sound like “physical science” to you?]


I love the question at the end with the quotes: Does that sound like "physical science" to you?

Uh?

No.

It sounds like a sociological ideology known as Marxism. For Maude's sake the dumbasses even referenced Marx. And for the mother of Pearl, the idea that the Earth is moving had pretty much ceased being debatable long before Marx was born.

I haven't even scratched the surface yet.

I will say that to employ this kind of ridiculous logic seems like it would be fun. I think I might try some later.

Office Space

I rarely (and by rarely I mean I don't think I've ever done this) post about the goings on at my place of work. Mostly because of security concerns, it is just easier not to say anything rather than scrutinize the details of such a post in order to make sure that there is nothing in it that can cause problems.

However, I will say that my office mates and I recently were blessed with the gift of new furniture in the form of cubicles work stations. They are not too bad, and the setting definitely gives the room a much more "office-y" type feeling. In time, I think we will learn to love them.

Anyway, I've noticed a trend as of late that is really starting to make me laugh. There is one person, my adviser's staff assistant, who sends out emails on a daily basis reminding us of the departmental happenings of the day/week. Here's where the "Office Space" moment comes in:

I have my email program set up to check for new messages about every five minutes...I think. As soon as the first email from the assistant comes in, for the next three or four email check cycles, that same frickin' message appears in my inbox, forwarded by other staff assistants to the same list-serve that got the original email. Just this morning, I've been made aware of a seminar cancellation five different times in the last twenty minutes - I got it - No seminar today.

I don't know...I guess it's the new "work stations" coupled with the "groundhog day" style email that makes me feel like any minute now Lumbergh is gonna pop his head around the corner and tell me he's gonna need me to "go ahead and come in on Saturday...Yeeeaaaah."

Wednesday

-------------------

There's no title because I can't come up with anything to describe this clip. I'm speechless. This guy's astonishing idiocy coupled with his batshit insanity should disqualify him from appearing as a representative of anything...

(via Cesca via TPM)



What the hell is up with the GOP these days? Has the pool really gotten so shallow that they have to put morons like Hayworth on the air? They can't find anybody better? Really? There's no vetting anymore? WTF? They don't sit these guys down before the interview and say, "Okay J.D., remember now...you're going on national television so hold off on the coo-coo for cocoa puffs rant until after the little red light on the camera goes out"? They don't tell these guys that?

I don't get it. Everyday it's taking less and less creativity to make fun of these people. In this instance, it takes no creativity whatsoever. It's becoming frustrating to a certain degree.

I would like to sit down with this dude, watch this clip, and ask him what he thinks about his performance. I just don't see how anyone, even in their "right" mind (yep, pun intended), could think that his exchange with Matthews was anything more than shamefully embarrassing.

I have so many questions and so little time...

Che sara.

Not Effin' Good Enough

Via C&L comes this story about the infamous torture letters and the Bush-appointed attorneys involved in making the decision to encourage allow "harsh interrogation methods". The following was written by Michael Isikoff for Newsweek. I haven't read it yet but this (updated) selection really stuck out:

...[S]ome former Bush officials are furious about the OPR's initial findings and question the premise of the probe. "OPR is not competent to judge [the opinions by Justice attorneys]. They're not constitutional scholars," said the former Bush lawyer. Mukasey, in speeches before he left, decried the second-guessing of Justice lawyers who, acting under "almost unimaginable pressure" after 9/11, offered "their best judgment of what the law required."


Sorry, Charlie. But that shit don't fly in the U.S. of A. Maybe in your warped little neocon vision for the country such excuses are acceptable, but unfortunately for you, you all are held accountable to the same laws as the rest of us.

As I see it, these guys don't get a free pass just because they made their decisions under "unimaginable pressure". At that level of government, every decision is made under extreme circumstances - so spare any "legally insane" metaphors. If these lawyers weren't prepared to deal with such situations in a rational, law-abiding fashion, then they should have never been appointed to such high positions in the first place.

Tragically, their "best judgment" sucked, as did the best judgment of nearly every other Bush appointee. Just because you make a decision based on your best judgment doesn't alleviate you from any responsibility when it turns out that said decision was the polar opposite of right.

In terms of Mukasey having "decried" the second guessing of Justice attorneys: BOO-HOO and TOUGH SHIT - The whaaambulance is on the way. Again, we don't live in the authoritarian nation-state that you frequently masturbate to. Thank God not everyone in this country blindly accepts what you tell them at face value and goes on about their business. And thank God there was another group of individuals who refused to act so ignorantly two hundred and thirty years ago.

What does it say about the state of our nation when we impeach a president for lying about oral sex, but have to walk on eggshells any time we even bring up the notion that someone needs to be held accountable for the torture and illegal imprisonment of so many people?

Monday

Monday Stuff

Sorry the posting has been a little light lately. Not that anyone actually reads this stuff anyway. I've been busier than hell the past few week. On the other hand, I didn't have all that much to say anyway. Nor do I today...

Here is the link to this week's Top Ten. John McCain gets the number six slot, and in case you're wondering, he's still a douche.

I should really start reading things before I post about them or link to them. Because Faux News' number eight slot on the list is too precious not to post:

During the February 10 edition of Fox News' Happening Now, co-host Jon Scott claimed that "the Senate is expected to pass the $838 billion stimulus plan -- its version of it, anyway. We thought we'd take a look back at the bill, how it was born, and how it grew, and grew, and grew."

In tracking how and when the bill purportedly "grew," Scott referenced seven dates, as on-screen graphics cited various news sources from those time periods. However, all of the sources and cost figures Scott cited, as well as the accompanying on-screen text, were also contained in a February 10 press release issued by the Senate Republican Communications Center. One on-screen graphic during the segment even repeated a typo from the GOP document, further confirming that Scott was simply reading from a Republican press release.


Fair and balanced. We report...you decide! The "No Spin" zone. Hannity's America! Yeah, we suck!

Fox News has become the kid whose too dumb to even change the title and a few words around when he's copying another kid's book report. Hah! Fuck off, Fox News. No seriously, I'm being as sincere as Dick Cheney when I say,"Go fuck yourselves!"

And apparently the RNC's collective IQ isn't too off from that of Fox News. Here is a cute little Valentine's Day card that their comedic geniuses came up with:



Ehhh...Yeah. So the RNC has taken on a character of its own: That embarrassing family member who makes really inappropriate jokes that everyone just either pretends not to hear or half-chuckles at while looking at each out of the corner of their eyes. All the while he is punching you in the shoulder while laughing hysterically and your like, "Yeah - heah, Uncle Bob...that was real funny man" while thinking, "Dude, don't laugh too hard or you'll encourage him to make another horribly horrible awful joke." but to no avail because Uncle Bob needs no encouragement. His nature, nay his raison d'etre, is to suck the funny out of any and all situations.

Congratulations, RNC. You have become and will now and forever remain "Uncle Bob, Black Hole of Funny."


Here is a link to really good news regarding gas prices and my take on CNN Money's analysis:

But since gas prices slumped to a low of $1.616 per gallon on Dec. 30, they've jumped more than 20%. At their current rate, prices could easily eclipse $2 per gallon.

This is occurring as crude oil prices are trading well below $40 a barrel.

"I think what you're seeing now is a backlash of a period, from the end of the summer until the end of the year, when refiners were selling gas into the consumer market at a discount to crude oil," said Ben Brockwell, director of data pricing for OPUS.


He's probably right. I would have been more inclined to add more to that statement though...something along the lines of (my addition in italics):

I think what you're seeing now is a backlash of a period, from the end of the summer until the end of the year, when refiners were selling gas into the consumer market at a discount to crude oil, and it is the perfect example of insatiable human greed combined with fallaciously regulated capitalism to form a parasitic life form who, in its thirst for more and more, will ultimately end up killing itself by killing its host economy first.


That's what I would have said.

Tuesday

Oh, Thank God!

We can finally have some closure regarding the Patrick McDermott disappearance back in 2005 thanks to CNN's crack investigative reporter, Nancy Grace. I'm just glad to see this story attracting the kind of comeuppance it has so sorely been lacking. It truly does merit the top news story slot on CNN's home page.



This is the kind of reporting that makes me wish I could just block access on my computer to all the other web pages in the world except CNN. With investigative journalism on such hard-hitting cases as this, why bother with other news sources? Just try to imagine the kind of resources one must need to write such a dispatch, not to mention the keen sense of presence one must have to dig up a story about a missing B-list-celebrity-dating, lighting technician who went missing after a fishing trip four years ago. Honestly folks, you're not going to get this kind of super insight from Reuters:

NEW YORK (CNN) -- Former lighting technician Patrick McDermott, best known as Olivia Newton-John's boyfriend of nine years, mysteriously disappeared July 1, 2005.

Olivia Newton-John and Patrick McDermott were together for nine years. Then he disappeared.

He wasn't on board the fishing boat "Freedom" when it returned to shore in San Pedro, California, after an overnight excursion.


This is what those of us in the biz call "the hook". You see how they did that? "He wasn't on board the fishing boat 'Freedom' when it returned to shore..." I'll bet you're all like, "Whaaa? Huhhh? Well then where the hell was he if he wasn't on board a single obscure fishing vessel returning to a port town that I've never heard of?"

Don't worry, CNN has got the lede:

McDermott was seen boarding the vessel that evening with his fishing gear and a duffle bag. The 22 passengers and three crew members on board gave conflicting reports about his whereabouts both during and at the end of the trip.

Police have determined that McDermott did indeed board the vessel, fished with the others and socialized on the boat both on June 30 and the next day, July 1.


Fishing gear A-N-D a duffle bag? A fuckin' duffle bag, people!!! This is why CNN is the tops. Now I'm sitting here speculating as to what a man who is about to embark on a multi-day fishing trip would be doing boarding a boat with his tackle AND a duffle bag. You might be quick to assume the obvious: That the bag had a change of clothes in it. But this is Patrick Fucking McDermott were talking about here, lighting technician and apparent criminal mastermind. For all we know he could have had a million dollars in cash and a collapsible bazooka in there. That's why we must rely on the brilliance of organizations as CNN.

However, the witness accounts conflict about what happened as the boat neared shore on the afternoon of July 1. No one is quite sure when they last saw McDermott in the last 30 minutes of the voyage.

McDermott paid his bar and kitchen tab, which consisted of two hot dogs and a Coke, a kitchen receipt shows. Then he seems to have vanished.


O-MAH-GAWD!!11!!!!1! TWO HOT DOGS AND A COKE! ARE YOU EFFIN' SERIOUS?????!

Who gets two hot dogs and a Coke unless they are completely up to something? I'll tell you who: EVIL GENIUS LIGHTING TECHNICIANS - That's who!

Some witnesses told police they thought they saw McDermott get off the boat when it docked and walk toward the parking lot, but they cannot be sure it was him.


No doubt. If McDermott is half as smart as I'm starting to think he is, he had probably already performed several facial reconstructive surgeries on himself to throw his fishing companions off by this point.

Ten days passed before relatives began a search for McDermott. They first became alarmed on July 6 when he didn't show up for a family gathering.


That's a reasonable time to wait before filing a missing persons report...NOT! Don't you see, his family is in on it too - they're nothing more than a band of evil lighting technicians gypsies who sole purpose in life is to fake each others accidental fishing boat deaths. This is what they do, people. WAKE UP!!!

Relatives found his car still parked at the San Pedro Marina where he'd left it when he boarded the fishing vessel.

Investigators then discovered McDermott had left personal items on the boat, including his wallet. As police looked into his background, they learned that McDermott had been facing a mountain of debt, including being ordered by a court to pay back child support payments for his 15-year-old son from a prior marriage.

A Coast Guard investigation concluded that he was "most likely drowned at sea." But some people believe he may be alive.


AWW SHIT...THE FRICKIN' GOVERNMENT IS IN ON TOO! This is so much bigger than I thought. This is the new 9/11 conspiracy and CNN broke the story. There will be Pulitzers for years to come from this one. I wouldn't be surprised if Obama creates a new Office Of Missing Lighting Technician Gypsies and appoints Nancy Grace to head the division.

Also, "some people believe he may be alive." 'Some' people? We all know what that means. (???)

Investigators have theorized that McDermott may have staged his death to escape financial pressures.

Since McDermott disappeared, there have been hundreds of supposed sightings of him in Mexico.


Again, CNN has set a new mark for investigative reporting. You see how they just say "Investigators have theorized..." and leave it at that. No need for citations, references, or quotes. This shall be come the new standard for journalistic integrity. Watch how it will work...

Some scientists theorize that monkeys will fly out of my ass and into outer space where they will link up with the droid mothership where they will all begin making the final preparations for the upcoming Butt-droid monkey Invasion war, set to commence December 21, 2012 at the stroke of midnight.

The Coast Guard, the lead investigative agency, says its case is closed. It found no evidence to support or disprove criminality or foul play in the McDermott disappearance.

"We spoke to dozens of witnesses on that vessel and we concluded any reported sightings of McDermott getting off that boat after it docked were not credible," said Scott Epperson, a Coast Guard spokesman in Long Beach.


Why is the Coast Guard helping to cover up this most heinous lighting technician disappearance? What are they getting out of this? Who benefits the most from McDermott's disappearance: the lighting technicians guild or the gypsies? Thanks to the awesomeness of CNN, these questions can finally start to find some answers.

UPDATE: Here's a photo from a recent suspected sighting of McDermott and his evil gypsy criminal butt monkey droid cohorts:

Monday

Untitled...

Glen Beck doesn't deserve the mental effort it would take me to come up with something that comes even close to remotely describing his profound douchebaggery. This clip is from Thursday's show (I think...since Beck's histrionics have crossed the invisible threshold between typical right wing nuttiness into a full time onslaught of bat shit insanity, it's kind of hard to distinguish one night from the next).



If that video is not convincing enough for you, check here.

Friday

Friday Awesome!

I received this email from a friend of mine earlier this morning. I would be remiss not to mention that he grew up in France, and the poem was sent to him by his mother, who is in France. You know...France. The country that forced the courageous D.C. culture warriors to rename French Fries "Freedom Fries" and French Toast "Freedom Toast" after they wouldn't help us invade a nation that had nothing to do with anything...Cause nothing shows another country that it better not fuck with American resolve like an Act of Congress officially changing the name of foods that don't even really come from said country in the first place.

Here is the poem, sonnet...whatever it is, it's cool...Thanks, Pat (definitely half-French):

Be happy, dear hearts, and allow yourselves
a few more weeks of quiet exultation.
It isn't gloating, it's satisfaction at a job well done.
He was a superb candidate, serious, professorial
but with a flashing grin and a buoyancy that comes
from working out in the gym every morning.
He spoke in a genuine voice, not senatorial at all.
He relished campaigning. He accepted adulation gracefully.
He brandished his sword against his opponents
without mocking or belittling them.
He was elegant, unaffected, utterly American,
and now (Wow) suddenly America is cool.
Chicago is cool. Chicago !!!

We threw the dice and we won the jackpot
and elected a black guy with a Harvard degree,
the middle name Hussein and a sense of humor
he said, "I've got relatives who look like Bernie Mac,
and I've got relatives who look like Margaret Thatcher."
The French junior minister for human rights said,
"On this morning, we all want to be American
so we can take a bite of this dream unfolding
before our eyes." When was the last time you heard
someone from France say they wanted to be American
and take a bite of something of ours?
Ponder that for a moment.

The world expects us to elect pompous yahoos,
and instead we have us a 47-year-old prince
from the prairie who cheerfully ran the race, and
when his opponents threw sand at him,
he just smiled back. He'll be the first president in history
to look really good making a jump shot.
He loves his classy wife and his sweet little daughters.
At the same time, he knows pop music,
American lit and constitutional law.
I just can't imagine anybody cooler.

It feels good to be cool, and all of us can share in that,
even sour old right-wingers and embittered blottoheads
Next time you fly to Heathrow and hand your passport
to the man with the badge, he's going to see
" United States of America " and look up and grin.
Even if you worship in the church of Fox ,
everyone you meet overseas is going to ask you about Obama,
and you may as well say you voted for him because,
my friends, he is your line of credit over there.
No need anymore to try to look Canadian.


Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Wednesday

I'm getting kind of tired of typing such things, but...

...Andy Card: Go Fuck Yourself!

I found that Ronald Reagan and both President Bushes treated the Oval Office with tremendous respect. They treated the Office of the Presidency with tremendous respect. And some of that respect was reflected in how they expected people to behave, how they expected them to dress when they walked into the symbol of freedom for the world, the Oval Office. And yes, I'm disappointed to see the casual, laissez faire, short sleeves, no shirt and tie, no jacket, kind of locker room experience that seems to be taking place in this White House and the Oval Office.


I'm too young to really comment on Our Conservative Lord and Savior, Ronald Reagan, and Daddy Bush, but I endured eight long years of insufferable, fucktastic dumbassery just like the rest of you when it comes to W. Consequently, I think I'm justified in getting moderately irked when asshelmets like Card say profoundly absurd things like, "And yes, I'm disappointed to see the casual, laissez faire, short sleeves, no shirt and tie, no jacket, kind of locker room experience that seems to be taking place in this White House and the Oval Office."

I don't even know why this bothers me anymore. It's so typical of the kind of staggering bullshit I've come to expect from these neo-con shit-for-brains. What bothers me is that there are still those in the media who lap this kind of nonsense up like a dehydrated dog, and feed it back to the masses verbatim, giving the public the impression that a sniveling ass-kiss like Andy Card still peddles real influence outside of the Wednesday Night Neo-con Circle Jerk meeting.

Maybe this is a good thing. If Card is disappointed by something he sees going on in the White House that should probably bode well for the rest of humanity. That's a tough concept for Card and his cronies to grasp: That they are not some human demi-god overlords who can do whatever they want anymore, and just because they don't like something doesn't automatically make it a bad thing. In fact, it could be a good thing. I don't like standing on the surface of the sun, but I'll capitulate that the sun is kind of a good thing.

That's a horrible analogy. I'm done. You get the point.

Warrior Lamb

I'm not sure why, but I'm enthralled by this picture...

(via The General)



Yeah, that's Jesus wearing a boonie hat, packing what looks to me like a CZ (Czech Scorpion) 9x19 sub-machine gun sans the folding stock. Who comes up with this shit?

Tuesday

HAHAHA!!!

I know that "blink" tag is annoying but bear with me.Via TBogg comes what I am sure will be the funniest thing I read all week:

When GOP congressional aides gather Tuesday morning for a meeting of the Conservative Working Group, Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher – more commonly known as Joe the Plumber — will be their featured guest. This group is an organization of conservative Capitol Hill staffers who meet regularly to chart GOP strategy for the week.

(snip)

In case you weren’t planning to attend CWG tomorrow morning, you might want to reconsider because Joe the Plumber will be joining us!” Kimberly Wallner, an aide to South Carolina Sen. Jim DeMint, wrote in a message to her e-mail list this afternoon.


Uh...Okay, Kimberly...ehhh....I'll see you there. I'll probably be sitting in the back so don't bother looking for me.

If I Were a Democrat in D.C...

...I would tell the GOP to go fuck themselves. Crusted News is reporting that the GOP today unveiled a list of what they deem "wasteful spending" in the Senate version of the $900 billion stimulus bill. Let's see some of the newest entries in the "Things that render this blogger unconscious because they make him instinctively smash his head off his desk to try and make the hurt between his ears stop.":


- A $246 million tax break for Hollywood movie producers to buy motion picture film.


What the fuck does that even mean? It's cool, CNN. Don't elaborate on what that means for Christ's sake - just as long as you work the stale, lame-ass "Look at how the Liberals and Hollywood are secret lovers" meme into an article about what the GOP considers wasteful spending, you've done your jobs.

- $448 million for constructing the Department of Homeland Security headquarters.

- $248 million for furniture at the new Homeland Security headquarters.


Really? No, really?

1,2This is has to be some kind of joke, right? The fucking Grand Ol' Party is going to complain about DHS spending - even if it is for a new headquarters and furniture. If Bush had come up with this idea, Republicans would be fighting with each other over who gets to give W. the first hand-job. Imagine the script was flipped, and the Assholes (GOP) were requesting this money and the Democrats were objecting, you'd have every fucking GOP talking head on TV asking the question, "Why do the Democrats want the terrorists to win?" or "Why do the Democrats hate America?" And don't even try argue that I'm being hyperbolic because you know as well as I do that their decrying would probably be worse than that.

- $400 million for the Centers for Disease Control to screen and prevent STD's.


I guess since most GOP'ers already have multiple STDs from all the hookers, they feel like everyone else should have to suffer too.

- $125 million for the Washington sewer system.


I get this one. When the shit starts backing up onto the Capitol steps, the GOP can blame it on the Democrats, and this time they can really rally the troops because they'll have pictures of piles of shit to show them instead of just fancy talkin' wurds.

- $75 million for salaries of employees at the FBI.


ibid1.

- $200 million for public computer centers at community colleges.


Community colleges have long been hotbeds of liberal activism.

- $500 million for flood reduction projects on the Mississippi River.


You'd think they'd learn the lesson about flood prevention. But we are talking about the same people who thought Sarah Palin was a good idea.

- $6 billion to turn federal buildings into "green" buildings.


Well, if it has the word "green" in the proposal and it doesn't involve stealing taxpayers money or dumping toxic waste on endangered species the GOP is generally opposed to it.

- $500 million for state and local fire stations.


ibid.1,2

- $1.2 billion for "youth activities," including youth summer job programs.


The GOP already has jobs lined up for America's youth as soon as they get the selective service age down to 12 years old and reinstate the draft. Thus negating any need for "'youth activities,' including youth summer job programs." Any younger than twelve and the GOP will concede that children are not strong enough to be cost effective worker-fighters.

- $88 million for renovating the headquarters of the Public Health Service.

- $412 million for CDC buildings and property.

- $500 million for building and repairing National Institutes of Health facilities in Bethesda, Maryland.


GOP: "Why do the Democrats hate germs and diseases so much?"

- $100 million for reducing the hazard of lead-based paint.


GOP: "Why do the Democrats hate lead?"

- $200 million in funding for the lease of alternative energy vehicles for use on military installations.


Fat fuckin' chance of that one ever making it. Not when Halliburton is buying GMC trucks for the dirt cheap price of $85,000 a piece and then torching the trucks as soon as they get a flat tire. I'm serious...check that link out.

I say this a lot but it's getting repeated now: This would all be really fucking funny if it wasn't so nauseatingly tragic.

Monday

Nope.

Oi Vey! This is just awful (via Attaturk):



You can get that for only $250 on ebay. Seriously. That's not that bad a price for a picture that looks eerily similar to the way I imagine myself while in the loo, taking a dump.

UPDATE: One more thing...Redumblicans...this guy is not a good party representative. Your not even making it hard any more, dammit.

Friday

It's okay, Ted

Reading this article on CNN about last night's Larry King interview with Ted Haggard was a real "Ugh" moment for me this morning. It bothers me for a number of reasons, many of which I just don't have the time to get into this morning. I would be remiss not to mention that Haggard's staggering hypocrisy is nothing short of...Well, really old news. This is the kind of thing those of us who 'pay attention' have come to expect from these evangelical leadership types. And it's also the kind of thing that makes me shy away from organized religion altogether.

In "Age of Reason", Thomas Paine wrote, "My own mind is my own church." This single phrase brought me more in touch with my spirituality than I had ever been before. (Honestly, I was still pretty fuckin' far from spiritual when I first read that, but things have gotten better since.) Without going too far of the intended path, I'd like to say that I consider myself a Christian (That is how I was raised), I believe that Jesus was a historical figure, and I try to follow the red words in my daily life, which are non-coincidentally very similar to the important words in let's say: The Quran, The Tao Te Ching, Bhagavad Gita, The Mahayana sutras, etc. Do I think Jesus was the son of God, or God on Earth? Well, I don't know. To me those are questions of parliamentary and ecclesiastical dogma and hence, have no real impact on my faith or the practice thereof.

I suppose the point in all of that is: When one places a set of supernatural expectations on a human being, who is no more or less frail and fallible as the rest of us, well that person with the expectations is setting himself up for a huge letdown. With all the sincerity of my heart, believe me when I say I know something about unreasonable expectations and the associated feelings of planned outcomes not matched by reality.

Still, as much as I am bothered by all of this, what I found most troubling was Haggard's lack of acceptance - or at least what I perceive as his lack of acceptance.

Controversy involving Haggard first erupted in November 2006, when a former prostitute, Mike Jones, said the pastor had paid him for sex over three years and had used methamphetamine in his presence.



In the CNN interview, Haggard credited Jones with having helped him by disclosing that information.

"I think he rescued me. I'm very grateful to him," Haggard said. He said he would have lost the support of his wife of 30 years, Gail, and their five children "and been a drug addict" had he not been caught.

"I paid a heavy price. It was stupid," he said.


You should be grateful. This man gave you an out, Ted. You don't have to hide who you are anymore. You are a gay man, at least a bi-sexual man, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Haggard likened his struggles with his desires to the struggles faced by dieters who say, "'I'm not going to eat today' and then they eat."


No.

There are dieters who break their diet so they can have a piece of cake, and then there are people who are addicted to eating. There are people who cheat on their spouses on the impulse of lust, and there are those who are addicted to sex. There are those who can socially drink, and there are those who turn into complete lunatics as soon as they ingest alcohol - we're called alcoholics (I know. I am one, and I'm okay with that today. Because I've admitted it, I can do something about it.)

Now, there are men who experiment sexually at some point in their life, and there are homosexual or bisexual men in heterosexual relationships who pay male prostitutes to sleep with them. Such people are not addicted to sex, alcohol/drugs, or eating. (I should rephrase that...they might be addicted to any number of those things.) They have primal, instinctive, and emotional feelings, love maybe, towards members of the same sex, not because they have a disease like addiction, but because that is the way God made them. And that is okay.

However, I don't know what it's like in the closet, and I can only imagine the kind of hell one must suffer through while living in one.

And yes, I will acknowledge that in saying all of this I have opened the door for hours of semantic debate about whether or not love is an addiction - I have been debating myself the whole time I'm writing. My point is this, there is nothing spiritual in addiction. In my opinion, the foundation of spirituality is love. Whether it's the kind of love that develops between two friends, or the kind that manifests both in friendly and physical ways. So, for me, to deny such feelings is in essence to deny my spirituality. I can think of several examples in my life today where things would be a lot tougher - impossible perhaps - if I couldn't count on those around me whom I love.

I hope I made my point clear enough, I'm getting really pressed for time and this thing, this post became much more than I originally intended it to be. I really have to go and I wish I could have elaborated more thoroughly, but such is life.

By the way: My inner thirteen year old says, "Dude, could you have made that post any gayer?"

Thursday

Awwww. Shit...

...she's right about this one.

I do not like agreeing with people who question our Supreme Overlord, B. Hussein O, - especially reporters who still think it is their job, nay their duty and obligation to hold politicians accountable (W. killed that notion his first week in office) - but in this case I have to say that Campbell Brown is on point:

Commentary: Obama's hypocrisy showing


My view is simple: Mr. President, if you want to hire former lobbyists because you think they are the best people to do the job, then hire former lobbyists. Just don't hold a big news conference first to tell us how your administration is going to be so different from previous administrations in that you won't be hiring lobbyists.


I agree. Mr. President, don't hold a press conference and campaign on the notion that lobbyist won't peddle any influence in your administration and then turn around and try to hire a former lobbyist to be the Treasury Secretary.

That almost makes as much sense as say...this:

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

- W.


Almost.

Wednesday

My Two Cents

(via CNN)

After suspension for nodding at Obama, drum major quits

(CNN) -- An Ohio man who was suspended as the drum major of a band for giving President Obama a nod during last week's inaugural parade is calling it quits.

(snip)

Coleman was seen during the nationally televised January 20 parade nodding toward the new president while marching with the band. A few steps later, he appeared to wave briefly.

He told WEWS that as the band was marching past the grandstand where Obama was sitting, he made eye contact with the president.

"Contact was made with our eyes both together and he smiled and waved at the band," he told the station. "And just as a gesture, I nodded my head. I gave him a slight wave and went on."

Representatives from the group did not return calls from CNN. But bandleader Mike Engle told the Cleveland Plain Dealer that Coleman was suspended because he ignored military protocol.

"We had gone over and over time and again with everyone in the band that this was a military parade," Engle told the newspaper. "Protocol and proper decorum had to be followed at all times. Unfortunately, John chose to ignore that."

Coleman had been suspended from the band for six months.

In a written statement, band manager Ken Rybka said Coleman's resignation from the group "comes as a shock and surprise."


On a NATIONAL level, who fucking cares? Seriously, who gives a shit? Does anyone out there really give a damn?

For real...if you honestly care about this more than you genuinely care about...let's say, a rat's ass - let me know. I'll remove this post.

If you can convince me that this story belongs on a national news network's website, I'll delete this thing.

If you can prove to me that this story merits more of my attention then the sweat on a gnat's ball sack, I'm listening.

If you can tell me why this story is more important than a story about the recent uptake in free creamer theft from convenience stores and the associated surge in artificial milk production, I'm all ears.

I will take this post down so fast that Google cache will be like, "Hey, where the fuck did that post go? It was here a minute ago...what happened?" Then I'll come in and kick Google cache in the head with my turbo legs and be like, "Fuck you Google cache, you're too slow...If you want to keep up with me and my energy blog, you need to start drinking Blog-berry flavored Power Thirst!"

(Hi, M.H.)

Tuesday

Horses' Asses

It took me awhile to collect my wits and type these words after the recent concussion I suffered as a result of reading this article and consequently repeatedly bashing my head off my desk in disbelief.

While reading this keep in mind that one of the schools is a Christian school and the other a school for children with learning disabilities.

Covenant School to forfeit 100-0 win over Dallas Academy

That's the kind of story right there that makes me want to start going to church again.

Yeah, He's Definitely a Secret Muslim...

I just don't have the time today, much to my sadness, to explore the tubes for reactions to Obama's first formal television interview. Being that it was with Al-Arabiya, I'm sure the normal cast of characters is shitting in their cereal and foaming at the mouth - at least the ones that haven't already been hospitalized from excess Cheetos dust inhalation.

Here is part of the interview I'm talking about:



Wow...this is hard but I gotta get back to work. I so want to check Ace, WND, America's shittiest website, and Clownhall, but I need to prioritize.

Monday

More of Teh Funny

(Cesca's GDAB)

Blago's one crazy mo'fo':

[Blagojevich]...in an NBC interview broadcast on The Today Show Sunday compared himself to human rights heros Nelson Mandela, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi.


In the past I would have devoted all my available resources to finding out what that guy is on and then figuring out how I could get some. Today, thankfully and gratefully, I'm content with just laughing at the insanity.

Teh Funny...

(via C&L via i can has cheezburger)


"Will work for attention!"

Thursday

That Was Way Too Close

They almost did it. By "they" I mean Conservative bloggers, and by "it" I mean put us Liberal satirist/comedy bloggers out of business.

I can't believe they got so close. How did we not see it earlier? The horrible, horrible metaphors, the analogies that only make sense to eighty-three year old virgins hopped up on chamomile and ginseng, and their ability to be completely wrong about literally everything always for eternity with each word they type. I have to hand it to them, it was a good plan:

Make ourselves look like total asses while caricaturing ourselves to the point where any attempt to mock us will fail as nothing any liberal satirist composes can out parody our original, colossal sucktasticness.

I'm not talking about the true-believers here. Farah, Norris, Nuggent...those guys departed reality a long, long time ago. No, I'm talking about your typical Wingnut Welfare blogger...your Ace of Spade, Jonah "and The Whale" Goldberg (Wow, that was not very spiritual - forgive me HP), K-Lo, Benny Shapiro...the quintessential Cheetos-dust snorting, "I only masturbate to D-Day documentaries" type asshat.

They nearly pulled it off. Not only is every blog post they write ridiculously hideous, but they actually had some of their first-stringers, Goldberg for instance, writing books on topics such as how the modern Liberal is akin to a 1930's Nazi overlord in the sense that some Liberals today are vegetarians just like Hitler was an animal lover(???). Stephen Hawking can't come up with a more abstract concept, and that dude works on shit like space and time wrapping around each other so tightly that the immutable laws of physics become...mutable?

I can't believe we were so blind. Luckily, as is their wont, one of them got too greedy and their devious plot began to unravel all around them. To wit: Brigadier General Butt Missile himself, John Hinderaker, dropped this irony bomb on the blogosphere a few months ago:

In the eight years he has been President, it is remarkable how few gaffes or verbal blunders [George W. Bush] has committed. If Obama doesn’t raise his standards, he will exceed Bush’s total before he is inaugurated.


Perfect. Twenty-twenty hindsight reveals that it was too perfect. Those two sentences are so absurd, so unfathomably dumb, that they are impossible to parody. I remember when I first read that back in November. I tried to make fun of it. I had a pretty good analogy going about Bush and a mute orangutan debating each other during prime time, but I couldn't seal the deal. (Incidentally, that is not the only time I've had troubles "sealing the deal"...seriously, ask my ex-girlfriends...I used to pass out A LOT. I luv making fun of myself...if I can't laugh at myself then I don't have the right to laugh at anyone else - this has been "Tribe's personal inventory non-sequitor to the topic at hand" of the day.)

It was like artificial intelligence becoming self-aware. The thing (those two sentences in this case) in and of itself was not only the punchline but the entire joke. How the hell do you make fun of that?

That really threw me at the time. I didn't even want to think about it, and to be honest I had pushed the remembrance of it to the back of my mind until it was propelled to center-stage while I was reading another post this morning.

The Butt Scud*, in an attempt to kill irony once and for all, launches another salvo:

via SadlyNo!

While his stewardship of the economy was generally good, Bush fell down in other areas of domestic policy. His sponsorship of comprehensive immigration reform and the Medicare drug benefit and his acquiescence in ridiculous levels of federal spending are all black marks. They are balanced by Bush’s excellent judicial appointments and his management of a strikingly scandal-free administration.


Again, that statement is already so silly I cannot find a way to make it any funnier. In fact, it is so obtuse, it was at this point that I started to suspect that some sort of chicanery was afoot. True to conservative fashion, Assrocket ruined for everyone else with this one:

In foreign policy, the terrorist attacks dominated, perhaps too much. Few would have predicted on September 12, 2001, that there would be no more successful attacks on American soil or even against American interests abroad, yet that is what happened.


Anthrax? Every day in Iraq and Afghanistan? It hurts - make it stop.

Then Hindy comes with this:

As we noted here, President Bush’s strong anti-terrorist policies stopped a long string of successful terrorist attacks that stretched back to the late 1970s. His record in this respect is truly extraordinary, and he deserves an enormous amount of credit for it.


No.

Followed by this:

With hindsight, the beginning of the end for Bush was his unwillingness to defend himself when he was attacked for the “sixteen words” in his State of the Union address–words that were indisputably true. The same thing happened after Hurricane Katrina, the event that got his second term off on the wrong foot. In truth, the federal response to Katrina was both the largest and the fastest response to any natural disaster in world history. Yet Bush was never willing to stand up to his critics and make the case in his own defense.

That tendency to turn the other cheek was, in the end, fatal. Bush never cared much about politics.


No, no, no.

Never cared much about politics? I guess when you have two of the most evil political geniuses of all time, Karl Rove and Andy Card, on your personal staff you don't really have to give two shits about politics.

The tendency of Hinderaker to take things one step too far was, in the end, what led me to discover this heinous scheme to destroy liberal satire.

Here is the spoiler:

Everything considered, I give the Bush administration a B-.


Busted, Butt-Missile. You almost got away with it you clever bastard. You should have given him an "A" or an "A-". But a "B-"...sorry, Charlie - that doesn't flow with the completely unhinged and delusional nature of your preceding comments.

It was a good plan, but once again, the Conservatives were hamstrung by one of their owns' lack of fiscal reserve.

As for the rest of us on the left...We gotta turn up the vigilance a little. As I said earlier: That was way too close!

*Cf.