Friday

It's okay, Ted

Reading this article on CNN about last night's Larry King interview with Ted Haggard was a real "Ugh" moment for me this morning. It bothers me for a number of reasons, many of which I just don't have the time to get into this morning. I would be remiss not to mention that Haggard's staggering hypocrisy is nothing short of...Well, really old news. This is the kind of thing those of us who 'pay attention' have come to expect from these evangelical leadership types. And it's also the kind of thing that makes me shy away from organized religion altogether.

In "Age of Reason", Thomas Paine wrote, "My own mind is my own church." This single phrase brought me more in touch with my spirituality than I had ever been before. (Honestly, I was still pretty fuckin' far from spiritual when I first read that, but things have gotten better since.) Without going too far of the intended path, I'd like to say that I consider myself a Christian (That is how I was raised), I believe that Jesus was a historical figure, and I try to follow the red words in my daily life, which are non-coincidentally very similar to the important words in let's say: The Quran, The Tao Te Ching, Bhagavad Gita, The Mahayana sutras, etc. Do I think Jesus was the son of God, or God on Earth? Well, I don't know. To me those are questions of parliamentary and ecclesiastical dogma and hence, have no real impact on my faith or the practice thereof.

I suppose the point in all of that is: When one places a set of supernatural expectations on a human being, who is no more or less frail and fallible as the rest of us, well that person with the expectations is setting himself up for a huge letdown. With all the sincerity of my heart, believe me when I say I know something about unreasonable expectations and the associated feelings of planned outcomes not matched by reality.

Still, as much as I am bothered by all of this, what I found most troubling was Haggard's lack of acceptance - or at least what I perceive as his lack of acceptance.

Controversy involving Haggard first erupted in November 2006, when a former prostitute, Mike Jones, said the pastor had paid him for sex over three years and had used methamphetamine in his presence.



In the CNN interview, Haggard credited Jones with having helped him by disclosing that information.

"I think he rescued me. I'm very grateful to him," Haggard said. He said he would have lost the support of his wife of 30 years, Gail, and their five children "and been a drug addict" had he not been caught.

"I paid a heavy price. It was stupid," he said.


You should be grateful. This man gave you an out, Ted. You don't have to hide who you are anymore. You are a gay man, at least a bi-sexual man, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Haggard likened his struggles with his desires to the struggles faced by dieters who say, "'I'm not going to eat today' and then they eat."


No.

There are dieters who break their diet so they can have a piece of cake, and then there are people who are addicted to eating. There are people who cheat on their spouses on the impulse of lust, and there are those who are addicted to sex. There are those who can socially drink, and there are those who turn into complete lunatics as soon as they ingest alcohol - we're called alcoholics (I know. I am one, and I'm okay with that today. Because I've admitted it, I can do something about it.)

Now, there are men who experiment sexually at some point in their life, and there are homosexual or bisexual men in heterosexual relationships who pay male prostitutes to sleep with them. Such people are not addicted to sex, alcohol/drugs, or eating. (I should rephrase that...they might be addicted to any number of those things.) They have primal, instinctive, and emotional feelings, love maybe, towards members of the same sex, not because they have a disease like addiction, but because that is the way God made them. And that is okay.

However, I don't know what it's like in the closet, and I can only imagine the kind of hell one must suffer through while living in one.

And yes, I will acknowledge that in saying all of this I have opened the door for hours of semantic debate about whether or not love is an addiction - I have been debating myself the whole time I'm writing. My point is this, there is nothing spiritual in addiction. In my opinion, the foundation of spirituality is love. Whether it's the kind of love that develops between two friends, or the kind that manifests both in friendly and physical ways. So, for me, to deny such feelings is in essence to deny my spirituality. I can think of several examples in my life today where things would be a lot tougher - impossible perhaps - if I couldn't count on those around me whom I love.

I hope I made my point clear enough, I'm getting really pressed for time and this thing, this post became much more than I originally intended it to be. I really have to go and I wish I could have elaborated more thoroughly, but such is life.

By the way: My inner thirteen year old says, "Dude, could you have made that post any gayer?"

Thursday

Awwww. Shit...

...she's right about this one.

I do not like agreeing with people who question our Supreme Overlord, B. Hussein O, - especially reporters who still think it is their job, nay their duty and obligation to hold politicians accountable (W. killed that notion his first week in office) - but in this case I have to say that Campbell Brown is on point:

Commentary: Obama's hypocrisy showing


My view is simple: Mr. President, if you want to hire former lobbyists because you think they are the best people to do the job, then hire former lobbyists. Just don't hold a big news conference first to tell us how your administration is going to be so different from previous administrations in that you won't be hiring lobbyists.


I agree. Mr. President, don't hold a press conference and campaign on the notion that lobbyist won't peddle any influence in your administration and then turn around and try to hire a former lobbyist to be the Treasury Secretary.

That almost makes as much sense as say...this:

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

- W.


Almost.

Wednesday

My Two Cents

(via CNN)

After suspension for nodding at Obama, drum major quits

(CNN) -- An Ohio man who was suspended as the drum major of a band for giving President Obama a nod during last week's inaugural parade is calling it quits.

(snip)

Coleman was seen during the nationally televised January 20 parade nodding toward the new president while marching with the band. A few steps later, he appeared to wave briefly.

He told WEWS that as the band was marching past the grandstand where Obama was sitting, he made eye contact with the president.

"Contact was made with our eyes both together and he smiled and waved at the band," he told the station. "And just as a gesture, I nodded my head. I gave him a slight wave and went on."

Representatives from the group did not return calls from CNN. But bandleader Mike Engle told the Cleveland Plain Dealer that Coleman was suspended because he ignored military protocol.

"We had gone over and over time and again with everyone in the band that this was a military parade," Engle told the newspaper. "Protocol and proper decorum had to be followed at all times. Unfortunately, John chose to ignore that."

Coleman had been suspended from the band for six months.

In a written statement, band manager Ken Rybka said Coleman's resignation from the group "comes as a shock and surprise."


On a NATIONAL level, who fucking cares? Seriously, who gives a shit? Does anyone out there really give a damn?

For real...if you honestly care about this more than you genuinely care about...let's say, a rat's ass - let me know. I'll remove this post.

If you can convince me that this story belongs on a national news network's website, I'll delete this thing.

If you can prove to me that this story merits more of my attention then the sweat on a gnat's ball sack, I'm listening.

If you can tell me why this story is more important than a story about the recent uptake in free creamer theft from convenience stores and the associated surge in artificial milk production, I'm all ears.

I will take this post down so fast that Google cache will be like, "Hey, where the fuck did that post go? It was here a minute ago...what happened?" Then I'll come in and kick Google cache in the head with my turbo legs and be like, "Fuck you Google cache, you're too slow...If you want to keep up with me and my energy blog, you need to start drinking Blog-berry flavored Power Thirst!"

(Hi, M.H.)

Tuesday

Horses' Asses

It took me awhile to collect my wits and type these words after the recent concussion I suffered as a result of reading this article and consequently repeatedly bashing my head off my desk in disbelief.

While reading this keep in mind that one of the schools is a Christian school and the other a school for children with learning disabilities.

Covenant School to forfeit 100-0 win over Dallas Academy

That's the kind of story right there that makes me want to start going to church again.

Yeah, He's Definitely a Secret Muslim...

I just don't have the time today, much to my sadness, to explore the tubes for reactions to Obama's first formal television interview. Being that it was with Al-Arabiya, I'm sure the normal cast of characters is shitting in their cereal and foaming at the mouth - at least the ones that haven't already been hospitalized from excess Cheetos dust inhalation.

Here is part of the interview I'm talking about:



Wow...this is hard but I gotta get back to work. I so want to check Ace, WND, America's shittiest website, and Clownhall, but I need to prioritize.

Monday

More of Teh Funny

(Cesca's GDAB)

Blago's one crazy mo'fo':

[Blagojevich]...in an NBC interview broadcast on The Today Show Sunday compared himself to human rights heros Nelson Mandela, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi.


In the past I would have devoted all my available resources to finding out what that guy is on and then figuring out how I could get some. Today, thankfully and gratefully, I'm content with just laughing at the insanity.

Teh Funny...

(via C&L via i can has cheezburger)


"Will work for attention!"

Thursday

That Was Way Too Close

They almost did it. By "they" I mean Conservative bloggers, and by "it" I mean put us Liberal satirist/comedy bloggers out of business.

I can't believe they got so close. How did we not see it earlier? The horrible, horrible metaphors, the analogies that only make sense to eighty-three year old virgins hopped up on chamomile and ginseng, and their ability to be completely wrong about literally everything always for eternity with each word they type. I have to hand it to them, it was a good plan:

Make ourselves look like total asses while caricaturing ourselves to the point where any attempt to mock us will fail as nothing any liberal satirist composes can out parody our original, colossal sucktasticness.

I'm not talking about the true-believers here. Farah, Norris, Nuggent...those guys departed reality a long, long time ago. No, I'm talking about your typical Wingnut Welfare blogger...your Ace of Spade, Jonah "and The Whale" Goldberg (Wow, that was not very spiritual - forgive me HP), K-Lo, Benny Shapiro...the quintessential Cheetos-dust snorting, "I only masturbate to D-Day documentaries" type asshat.

They nearly pulled it off. Not only is every blog post they write ridiculously hideous, but they actually had some of their first-stringers, Goldberg for instance, writing books on topics such as how the modern Liberal is akin to a 1930's Nazi overlord in the sense that some Liberals today are vegetarians just like Hitler was an animal lover(???). Stephen Hawking can't come up with a more abstract concept, and that dude works on shit like space and time wrapping around each other so tightly that the immutable laws of physics become...mutable?

I can't believe we were so blind. Luckily, as is their wont, one of them got too greedy and their devious plot began to unravel all around them. To wit: Brigadier General Butt Missile himself, John Hinderaker, dropped this irony bomb on the blogosphere a few months ago:

In the eight years he has been President, it is remarkable how few gaffes or verbal blunders [George W. Bush] has committed. If Obama doesn’t raise his standards, he will exceed Bush’s total before he is inaugurated.


Perfect. Twenty-twenty hindsight reveals that it was too perfect. Those two sentences are so absurd, so unfathomably dumb, that they are impossible to parody. I remember when I first read that back in November. I tried to make fun of it. I had a pretty good analogy going about Bush and a mute orangutan debating each other during prime time, but I couldn't seal the deal. (Incidentally, that is not the only time I've had troubles "sealing the deal"...seriously, ask my ex-girlfriends...I used to pass out A LOT. I luv making fun of myself...if I can't laugh at myself then I don't have the right to laugh at anyone else - this has been "Tribe's personal inventory non-sequitor to the topic at hand" of the day.)

It was like artificial intelligence becoming self-aware. The thing (those two sentences in this case) in and of itself was not only the punchline but the entire joke. How the hell do you make fun of that?

That really threw me at the time. I didn't even want to think about it, and to be honest I had pushed the remembrance of it to the back of my mind until it was propelled to center-stage while I was reading another post this morning.

The Butt Scud*, in an attempt to kill irony once and for all, launches another salvo:

via SadlyNo!

While his stewardship of the economy was generally good, Bush fell down in other areas of domestic policy. His sponsorship of comprehensive immigration reform and the Medicare drug benefit and his acquiescence in ridiculous levels of federal spending are all black marks. They are balanced by Bush’s excellent judicial appointments and his management of a strikingly scandal-free administration.


Again, that statement is already so silly I cannot find a way to make it any funnier. In fact, it is so obtuse, it was at this point that I started to suspect that some sort of chicanery was afoot. True to conservative fashion, Assrocket ruined for everyone else with this one:

In foreign policy, the terrorist attacks dominated, perhaps too much. Few would have predicted on September 12, 2001, that there would be no more successful attacks on American soil or even against American interests abroad, yet that is what happened.


Anthrax? Every day in Iraq and Afghanistan? It hurts - make it stop.

Then Hindy comes with this:

As we noted here, President Bush’s strong anti-terrorist policies stopped a long string of successful terrorist attacks that stretched back to the late 1970s. His record in this respect is truly extraordinary, and he deserves an enormous amount of credit for it.


No.

Followed by this:

With hindsight, the beginning of the end for Bush was his unwillingness to defend himself when he was attacked for the “sixteen words” in his State of the Union address–words that were indisputably true. The same thing happened after Hurricane Katrina, the event that got his second term off on the wrong foot. In truth, the federal response to Katrina was both the largest and the fastest response to any natural disaster in world history. Yet Bush was never willing to stand up to his critics and make the case in his own defense.

That tendency to turn the other cheek was, in the end, fatal. Bush never cared much about politics.


No, no, no.

Never cared much about politics? I guess when you have two of the most evil political geniuses of all time, Karl Rove and Andy Card, on your personal staff you don't really have to give two shits about politics.

The tendency of Hinderaker to take things one step too far was, in the end, what led me to discover this heinous scheme to destroy liberal satire.

Here is the spoiler:

Everything considered, I give the Bush administration a B-.


Busted, Butt-Missile. You almost got away with it you clever bastard. You should have given him an "A" or an "A-". But a "B-"...sorry, Charlie - that doesn't flow with the completely unhinged and delusional nature of your preceding comments.

It was a good plan, but once again, the Conservatives were hamstrung by one of their owns' lack of fiscal reserve.

As for the rest of us on the left...We gotta turn up the vigilance a little. As I said earlier: That was way too close!

*Cf.

Tuesday

Monday

That Didn't Take Long

I just said in the last post that I was going to check Faux News because my normal sources of crazy weren't cooperating this morning. As I suspected, I was not let down.

Critics Push to End Abstinence-Only Sex Education


That's right...more of this nonsense:

NEW YORK — With the exit of the Bush administration, critics of abstinence-only sex education will be making an aggressive push to cut off federal funding for what they consider an ineffective, sometimes harmful program.

How quickly and completely they reach their goal is uncertain, however, as conservative supporters of abstinence education lobby Congress and President-elect Barack Obama to preserve at least some of the funding, which now totals $176 million a year.

And even if federal funding is halted, some states — such as Georgia — are determined to keep abstinence programs going on their own, ensuring that this front in the culture wars will remain active.


Culture wars? Oi vey! That is a trademarked term, made up solely by Bill O' and the other Faux News clowns to stir their ever-diminishing viewership into a frenzy over the perceived "liberal threat" to America's culture. I proffer this: Where is it written that abstinence-only education is a part of America's culture.

When I think of American culture I think of many things (note: This is what I think of): Jazz, Rock-and-roll, Baseball, Civil Rights, etc. What doesn't come to mind is stopping the evil, librul satanists, what with their latex condoms and comprehensive sex educations, from pushing their evil wares on today's youth. What a joke.

Bonus: Here is Faux News parodying itself again:

Even after Democrats took control of Congress in the 2006 elections, liberals lacked the votes to end abstinence-only funding, and President George Bush stuck by his strong support for it.


Of course he did. Abstinence-only education fucking sucks, so President Bush is by nature compelled to throw all of his support behind it. That is what he does.

I'm feeling kind of froggy now...I'm gonna turn up the crazy and take a quick hit of Clownhall...

Sweet Jeebus...nothing in writing but this screen shot pretty much sums it up:





The pillar of internet conservatism is reporting that a plane skirted disaster NUMOUS times.


I do lots of things numous times. Like proofread the titles of my blog posts to make sure I don't make myself look like a jackass by MISSPELLING A WORD IN THE FUCKING TITLE-LINK!!!

One more...I'm venturing a guess that being we are only hours away from the inauguration, Worldnutdaily will be able to blow my mind with insanity.

BAM!!!

Holy shit, right on the top of the page:

Farah calls on all godly Americans: Pray Obama fails
--Exclusive WND.Commentary--


Yes Godly Ammurrricans...Joseph Farah is calling on you to pray that the next president fails. Because that's what God wants you to do - pray for someone else to fail. How very Godly and Christ-like.

Farah is so batshit crazy it's farkin' awesome:

I want Obama to fail because his agenda is 100 percent at odds with God's. Pretending it is not simply makes a mockery of God's straightforward Commandments.


Tell me about it. Like: "Thou shalt not kill." Obama's agenda: Rampant killing of Christians in a Colosseum-like setting. There's gonna be lions. There's gonna be bears. And there is sure as shit gonna be lots of innocent blood spilled.

Or: "Honor the mother and father." Not anymore...all newborn babies will not know what it is like to have a mother and father. From now on, newborns will be sent straight from the nursery to Obamacation camp where they will learn that the only true father is the one called Obama.

And: "Thou shalt not have any graven images before thee." Inside information leaked from Obama's staff shows that as soon as he is sworn into office, Obama plans to tear down the Washington Monument and replace it with a new memorial to his phallus. All will be forced to bow down before Obama's member while disavowing God.

I can't wait. Keep in mind that this is Joseph Farah...



In all fairness, that's enough 'stach to make anyone go mad.

Top Ten via DU...

Here is this week's Top Ten Conservative fuck-necks Idiots...Sorry, I'm feeling a tad jaded right now. My initial scan of the Toobz News this morning has netted no keyboard fodder, and I'm feeling out of sorts about that fact.

I had to miss something...tomorrow is the Inauguration for crap's sake. Against my better judgment I'm going to go check the Faux News website...I'll be back if I don't stroke out first.

Thursday

Kind of funny...

Take a look at the screen shot from Craptastic News Network's home page this morning:



...



???


Yes.

Tuesday

Betting Is Open

I cannot begin to describe what I feel like when I hear people taking the Mayan 2012 prophecy, and the subsequent world-flood, nuclear holocaust, 15-million-on-the-Richter scale mega-quake, tidal waves so high that airplanes have to fly around them, extinction-level-event asteroid strike, etc... set to occur at 12:00 a.m. December 21, of that year...with anything even close to or more than a grain of salt.

Not only does this topic cause unfathomable mental anguish for me, but it also physically affects me. Literally, my spines starts to compress in such a way that I imagine myself resembling Quasimodo. It's some sort of psychosomatic response that I haven't figured out.

And yet, being the addict that I am, I keep running back to the source of my pain, and I continue to watch television shows about this very subject even when I know I am going to just sit there shaking my head and grinding my teeth down to nothing more than little nubs, only good for making sure oatmeal doesn't fly out of my mouth when I try to chew.

That being said, I was watching such a show last night when I had two ideas (The second is such a complicated idea - more of a plan - that I'm sure I'm the first person to think of this ever, forever, and eternally).

Idea 1) Yeah...that super-awesome, prophetic, omniscient galactic calender worked out pretty well for the fuckin' Mayans and their highly advanced uber-civilization asses didn't it? Cause e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e is talking about how kick-ass the Mayans are these days. I can't walk down the street anymore without hearing at least one person say, "Damn, I wish I was a Mayan".

Idea 2) I am now officially taking any and all bets regarding the Mayan prophecy coming true. In fact, anytime I hear someone mention that prophecy, I am going to harangue them into a bet before I let them walk away, or get them to admit that they know it's bullshit and they are just bringing the subject up for the sake of bringing it up even though they know they have a better chance of getting murdered by a rainbow-colored, Nazi-sympathizing unicorn on the way home from work than that of "the prophecy" coming true.

This is a win-win for me (aside from the fact that I do run the risk of getting my ass kicked during the process of the aforementioned haranguing). If the prophecy comes true, my life will be over and that will be that. Even if I don't somehow die, those who survived with me and bet me that the prophecy would come true will be so busy running around wanking off all the other Nostradamus fan club members and screaming "I TOLD YOU SO, I TOLD YOU SO" that I highly doubt they remember our bet in the first place.

If the prophecy doesn't come true, and I win the bet I'll be retiring sometime around 12:01 a.m. December 22, 2012. I will be rich, son. I will use half of my winnings to set up a school that teaches people how not to be naive, gullible asshelmets.

As for those of you wishing to actually place a bet...just give me your credit card numbers and/or banking account information and I'll take care of everything myself.

Monday

AHHHHHHH! S-W-E-E-T!

The Top Ten is back in action. I literally was so excited when I clicked on my DU link and saw that that I am pretty sure my reaction to the Top Ten's return will give my Turkish colleague nightmares for some time to come. He is a rather reserved individual.

Here it is.

Friday

Uh...?

Why do I keep going back to the source of the pain caused me by certain "main-stream" news agencies? Oh yeah, I'm an addict.

Every morning I am reminded of this when I click the CNN bookmark and subsequently read something on the network's homepage that is so ridiculous it causes me to wonder if I've been sucked through a black hole in the middle of the night into a parallel universe where white is black and up is down. Case in point (my bolds):

Palin takes digs at Fey, Couric

Sarah Palin is credited with making Tina Fey a world-wide star and boosting Katie Couric's ratings at CBS.


Zoinks...what!? Really? Credited by who...Bizzaro Oprah? Sarah Palin made Tina Fey a world-wide star...not Fey's five Emmy awards, Golden Globe, SAG award, being the first female head-writer of SNL, 30 Rock, or all the other stuff Fey has done. No, it was all Sarah Palin, the mayor/beauty queen of Podunk Polar Bearville who nobody had ever heard of until four months ago. OH - KAY!

I would have been content to let it rest there keeping this post about CNN's staggering suckitude, without taking any direct digs at Palin herself (aside from the polar bear comment), but then I read this and one of my eye balls fell out of its socket onto the keyboard, which I interpreted to mean I should say something:

“I did see that Tina Fey was named entertainer of the year and Katie Couric’s ratings have risen," Palin said in the interview. "I know that a lot of people are capitalizing on, oh I don’t know, perhaps some exploiting that was done via me, my family, my administration — that’s a little bit perplexing, but it also says a great deal about our society.”


I could spend the rest of the day on this, but I don't have that kind of time.

Two things:

A) I don't think Sarah Palin knows what "perplexing" means. I say this because there is nothing "perplexing" about what Palin perceives as the exploitation of herself. I'm not saying that all the shots taken at Palin in the past few months have been fair, or justified, but such things are to be expected when someone is thrust into the national limelight as she was. The biggest exploitation of Palin in all of this was done by the RNC and John McCain's campaign.

B) The fact that Palin was picked to be McCain's running mate "says a great deal about our society". Nothing more than a figured head designed to try and win over disgruntled Clinton supporters, Palin's vice-Presidential candidacy was an example of the epic, EPIC failure of modern conservative thought. Blind, scare, and frenzy the populous with bright lights, loud sounds, and mythical boogeymen, while having absolutely no substantial platform whatsoever.

"Vote for us, or the terrorists will win, flags will be burnt after being worn as underwear, the gays will kidnap your babies and turn them queer, African Americans will enslave white people, Christmas and Easter will be canceled, religion in general will be outlawed, 92% of your paycheck will go to pay for condoms that are handed out in kindergarten classes - the other 8% will be turned into cash and given to homeless people to be used for starting fires in their burn barrels, you will be forced to provide housing for at least two illegal immigrants per immediate family member, and Al Franken will become a United States Senator." The horror, the horror.

Oh noes, it's already beginning.

Thursday

A Question For Today

Who do you think would win in a fight between Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly. To wit:

(via C&L)

It was in fact a Colossal Battle of The Spectacularly Oversized Egos. Among other things, she argued with O'Reilly over who sells the most books:

O'Reilly: Bernie Goldberg has some advice ...

[Coulter snorts derisively] (tribe's note: There's a fucking surprise...has Little Annie ever made it through an entire television appearance without doing that fingernails-on-chalkboard like snort?)

O'Reilly: ... for you. Should I, should I not go there?

Coulter: Um, my general policy is to take advice from people who sell more books than I do, not fewer books than I do.

O'Reilly: Oh. You take advice from me then.

Coulter: No! No! I said more books.

O'Reilly: Yeah, I sell more books than you do.

Coulter: No you don't.

O'Reilly: Yes I do.

Coulter: No you don't.

O'Reilly: But we don't want to get in an argument about that.


I know most of you think that I'm going to say Coulter, and there are plenty of reason to think she might have a chance. She is very lithe, probably quick on her feet. She seems to have no reservations about getting into confrontations. Admittedly, she is sort of smart (she's definitely more clever than Bill O'). She eats kittens for breakfast and puppies for lunch. She scares the shit out of Dick Cheney because she reminds him of his father, Satan. She makes babies cry. She once ate an M1A1 Abrams tank and shortly there after was able to fire depleted uranium bullets out of her ass. All in all, she's a scrapper.

However, for some reason when I was reading the transcript of their exchange last night, this image popped into my head of Bill O' dressed as a professional wrestler (bright colored spandex, face paint...the whole nine yards) giving Annie a super-atomic back breaker and raising his hands high above his head in triumph as Ann flops around on the mat like a fish out of water.

You know as well as I do he's just about dick enough to do that to someone, too.

Tuesday

Thanks, CNN...

...I was actually starting to think that you all had turned over a new leaf. That perhaps, like the rest of the country, you had decided to get on board with this whole "change" thing.

Sadly, no. You are still dragging your rhetorical feet, kicking and screaming like a child not getting his way (which incidentally is very similar to the sound I hear every time I see a GOP figure-head on TV these days) and giving jack-holes like Jordan Lorence (that name doesn't even sound real and his picture looks even less real-er) and his buddies at the "Allied Defense Fund" a national mouthpiece from which they can literally write complete falsehoods with little or no ramifications. Case in point, today's commentary by Lorence:

"Rick Warren foes aren't practicing tolerance"


That's right. Rick "Homos are immature" Warren's foes aren't playing very nice when it comes to his delivering of the inaugural prayer (or wev! the hell Obama tapped him to do) and Jordan doesn't like it:

President-elect Barack Obama has asked Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. Not so fast, cries Kathryn Kolbert, head of People for the American Way, an organization that claims to advance equality and freedom of speech and religion (but not for Rick Warren and those who agree with his marriage views) in a piece published on CNN.com.


Yeah, cause when I think of PFAW, the first thing that comes to mind is censorship.

They want people like Warren silenced and ostracized for their "hate speech," defined today as disagreeing with their agenda to impose a redefinition of marriage on an unwilling America. Obama, to his credit, has resisted their strident demands.

The attacks on Warren are the latest in a series of coercive, intimidating attacks on supporters of traditional marriage.


I can only imagine the terrible burden of suffering Pastor Warren and his family must be going through as a result of these "coercive" and "intimidating" attacks. Thank God the conservative movement has such a willing martyr to bear the wrath of the evil homo-fascists and their allies like myself.

This is amazingly audacious, in light of the fact that on marriage, the overwhelming majority of Americans and, indeed, humanity, agrees with Warren.


What I find amazingly audacious is Jordan's complete and utter denial about the fact that he is suffering from significant brain damage caused by a lack of oxygen in his upper colon where his head has officially and permanently relocated to. I find it slightly less amazingly audacious that Jordan could be so wrong about something when he says that an overwhelming majority of Americans are opposed to gay marriage.

F-A-I-L!!!

It's true that while not all Americans support the idea of two gay people being technically "married", when the number of Americans supporting gay marriage is combined with the number of Americans in favor of same-sex unions, the situation would seem that an overwhelming majority of Americans are not opposed to government recognition of same-sex relationships. Rick Warren is not in this majority. That is the problem.

I do however find it slightly more amazingly audacious that Rick Warren has been handpicked by Jordan to be the voice of the "majority of humanity".

Modern conservative's sense of America's moral superiority and their associated hubris never ceases to amaze me. Jordan is apparently implying that Rick Warren not only speaks for the majority of Americans, which if you checked the link you saw that he doesn't even do that, but that Warren also speaks for the rest of the world as well.

He may well be right. I'm sure the first thing on the minds of most Palestinians in Gaza right now is whether or not Hamas will follow Calfornia's lead in banning gay marriage so Yasser and his new boyfriend aren't allowed to strut around the neighborhood like there hot shit when they get married.

And I've been reading stories about people in Guatemala taking periodic breaks while digging out from under the recent landslide to discuss opinions on whether or not Jose and Juan should be able to officially tie the knot, or if they should be treated like second class citizens and only allowed to engage in a "civil union".

I was going to keep going with that, but I think you can get my point and if you can't you shouldn't even be reading this in the first place.

Jordan, let me try to make this as simple as possible for you:

When you say or write things like: "This is amazingly audacious, in light of the fact that on marriage, the overwhelming majority of Americans and, indeed, humanity, agrees with Warren.", you sound ignorant and stupid. You are wrong about the "most Americans" thing, and the rest of the "majority" of humanity could give two shits about the laws governing same-sex marriage when just surviving on a daily basis is more of a struggle for them than you've ever been faced with in your entire life.

Just for today, I'm naming Jordan Lorence the new "Duke of Douche-istan". Douche-istan awards are usually only handed out once a month but Jordan is a special kind of giant douche, who merits his own award sub-category.

As for CNN...I imagine they are going to keep doing what they do, which is first and foremost totally and sucktastically suck eggs, and from time to time they will give the right wingnut-o-sphere a few more monkey balls for their "liberal media" cannon by running a story that could be construed as having a left leaning bias.

And I'll just sit here taking it one day at a time, keeping my fingers crossed that the right-wing continues to churn out caricatures of caricatures of great conservative leaders of days long since past. These are the kinds of things that really make my day.

Monday

Bleh...

I have a case of the Mondays, and now I'm going to have to kick my own ass for saying "I have a case of the Mondays". I've been out of the office for almost two weeks, and I don't really feel like I got anything accomplished other than staying clean, which is probably accomplishment enough for today.

When I first thought about the prospect of having two weeks off with nothing to do, I was really worried about idle time. Today, looking back as well as ahead I wish I had one more day to lay around and do nothing. Oh well. So it goes I guess.

I've also been humbled by being given a chance to write about my opinions for another blog that is wholly unrelated to the topics I usually blather about here. Also, because of the nature of the topics discussed on that website, I don't think I will link to it or anything I write there very often for the time being or possibly never (And vice-versa even though I may feel a really strong urge to do so because of my egomania.)

I've come to believe that mixing the two topics is a bit like mixing bleach and ammonia - you get a highly volatile substance, which generally ends up hurting everyone who comes in contact with it.

As such, posting may be sporadic for awhile as I try to figure out the periodicity with which I'm going to post at the other site. (Ironically, the last time I said posting will be light here, I posted seven times in about eighteen hours.)

I hope everyone had a great holiday season and I wish you all prosperity and serenity for the upcoming year. Remember not to take yourself too seriously and give yourself a break from time to time.

By the way, only 15 days left!

I'd be a liar if I didn't admit to being slightly aroused by that.