Daily Dia"Tribe"

The Turd Burger Axiom

2010-10-23T10:47:00.004-04:00

I need to get this on record once and for all: There are certain things - foods, activities, movies, etc. and so on - that I'm pretty sure I won't like based on my past experiences, and therefore, I do not make any attempt to experience such things. Doubly so, I despise others' attempts to get me to try said things despite the fact that I have said "no" more than once. You know what I'm talking about. "Oh c'mon...how do you know you won't like it if you've never tried it?"

To that I shall from this day forward reply with this:

"Well, ok. I'll try [whatever it is] if you come over to my house tonight for turd burgers. What is a turd burger you ask? A turd burger is just like a hamburger, but instead of ground beef, I will be grilling up some freshly shat poop. GROSS?? How do you know? Have you ever HAD a turd burger? How do you know you won't like it if you don't at least try it?"

This is the "Turd Burger Axiom".

I will stipulate that you will not like a turd burger based on your past experiences with poo regardless of how awesome I might think turd burgers are if you will stipulate that I will not like [whatever "it" is] based on my past experiences regardless of how awesome you think it is.

And then we will both understand that we all like and dislike different things and that's okay. I don't have to like something that you like and you don't have to like something that I like.

And the Universe is back in harmony once more.

I get emails...

2009-10-30T07:35:00.002-04:00

...from people who are obviously not aware of my political ideology. Take for example this gem that just made its way into my inbox:

After reading the following historical facts,
read the part about Switzerland, twice.

A LITTLE GUN HISTORY
In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control... From 1929 to 1953, about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded
up and exterminated.

------------------------------

In 1911, Turkey established gun control. From 1915 to 1917, 1..5 millionArmenians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated.

------------------------------

Germany established gun control in 1938 and from 1939 to 1945, a totalof 13 million Jews, and others who were unable to defend themselves, were
rounded up and exterminated.

------------------------------
China established gun control in 1935. >From 1948 to 1952, 20 millionpolitical dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated

------------------------------

Guatemala established gun control in 1964. >From 1964 to 1981, 100,000 Mayan Indians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated..

------------------------------

Uganda established gun control in 1970. From 1971 to 1979, 300,000 Christians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated

------------------------------

Cambodia established gun control in 1956. From 1975 to 1977, one million educated people, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.

-----------------------------

Defenseless people rounded up and exterminated in the 20th Centurybecause of gun control: 56 million!

------------------------------

You won't see this data on the US evening news, or hear politicians disseminating this information.

Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property and, yes, gun-control laws adversely affect only the law-abiding citizens

Take note, my fellow Americans, before it's too late!

The next time someone talks in favor of gun control, please remind them of this history lesson.

With guns, we are 'citizens.'

Without them, we are 'subjects'.

During WWII the Japanese decided not to invade America because they knew most Americans were ARMED!

If you value your freedom, please spread this anti-gun control message to all of your friends.

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more
important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

SWITZERLAND ISSUES EVERY HOUSEHOLD A GUN!

SWITZERLAND'S GOVERNMENT TRAINS EVERY ADULT THEY ISSUE A RIFLE.

SWITZERLAND HAS THE LOWEST GUN RELATED CRIME RATE OF ANY CIVILIZED COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!!!

IT'S A "NO-BRAINER"!

DON'T LET OUR GOVERNMENT WASTE MILLIONS OF OUR TAX DOLLARS IN AN EFFORT TO MAKE ALL LAW ABIDING CITIZENS AN EASY TARGET.

I'm a firm believer of the 2nd Amendment!

If you are too,
please forward this message.

Just think how CONTROLLING our government is BECOMING!

They think these other countries just didn't do it right.

Learn from history!

One question that came to mind while reading this was:

"Just who does the author of this email anticipate being 'rounded up and executed' in this country in the next few years if stricter gun control laws are enacted and enforced?"

Christians? Conservatives? White people? Who?

Aside from that ray of stupidity, I love the logic in this email. I've decided to use this to make another "fact" based conclusion.

In 1956, the government enacted the Federal-Aid Highway Act of 1956, which established the National Interstate System.

Since 1975, over 40,000 people have been executed by automobile accidents annually resulting in the deaths of more than 1.36 million citizens.

Don't let the government build more roads - they are killing people.

See how that works.

F$%king Idiots...

2009-10-16T16:25:00.004-04:00

It would seem folks over at Worldnut Daily(no linky-linky to them) are metaphorically shitting themselves (some of them are probably literally shitting themselves too) over some jag-off who is selling "Obama flags" on eBay. Here is the offending materiél:

This is stupid, and not very patriotic. I will agree. That flag is also very contradictory to the U.S. Flag Code, which is NOT LAW just code. I'll tell what else I think is stupid and unpatriotic - tea stained, and thus desecrated flags available for just under $75 dollars...where? You guessed it!

ASS!

My thoughts

2009-10-09T11:47:00.002-04:00

This is from an email exchange that I've been having this morning with a friend regarding Obama's winning the Nobel Peace Prize, which I am admittedly happy about. But I don't think we need to declare a national holiday and go dancing in the streets. Here is what I had to say earlier:

I could give a shit less about all of this...the thing that I’m hoping for is that the right (Fox and the like) will get so fucking hyperbolically busy shitting in their cereal about this award that they will start concentrating on how this is some sort of global conspiracy to make George W. Bush look bad (which he did a pretty good job of that himself), and they will stop spreading misinformation and flat out lying about health care reform. Then perhaps we can actually get something done about it.

It’s like when I was a kid and I was trying to do something and my dog wouldn’t let me alone: I would get one of his toys and start playing with it myself making him jealous. Then after a bit I would let him get it from me and he would go away feeling super proud and making a big spectacle of the fact that he now had the toy and he would leave me alone so I could get whatever I was trying to do finished.

That’s what I see here: Here Glenn, Rush, Bill, Sean...go froth at the mouth over this for awhile so we can actually get something done without you turning it into Obama wants a senior citizen genocide.

Personally, for once I'm looking forward to hearing what the right wing has to say about all of this. It's surely going to make for an interesting few weeks.

I feel much better about myself...

2009-09-29T18:32:00.003-04:00

...after watching this clip from the Couric/Beck interview:

Actually, that's not true. I mean it's true in the sense that listening to Beck's attempted deflection of Couric's question makes my thoughts about going to the grocery store later tonight seem like the next greatest thing since general relativity, but I also feel an uncomfortable sense of embarrassment for Beck.

His brand of shithouse mouse insanity is truly a sight to behold.

You Win

2009-09-29T07:33:00.004-04:00

(via encore une fois, le general)

Watch, as this American Patriot, decimates Democrats with a contraposition fortified with so much rationale that the dissertation renders itself logically impenetrable.

Obama = ACORN ; Democrat = IDIOT Q.E.D.

(And no, not quantum electrodynamics - I'm sure he's waiting for his next you tube video to tackle that brain bender.)

To top it off, this man further demoralizes me, Idiot Democrat, by acknowledging his stutter and then inviting me to poke fun at it. In doing so, he removes the impetus driving the one thing more than any other that I would have proffered as a counter to his assertion that Obama is ACORN - my ability to fall back on grammar school bullying to make a point.

Anyone can say, "Prove it." or "Do you have any evidence to back up your claim that Obama is ACORN?", but those arguments are predictable and someone of such magnificent genius as this fellow in the video above more than likely has thousands of hours of Glenn Beck Tivoed that he would no doubt reference as proof of his claim.

However, by acknowledging his stutter he undercuts the only argument that could stand a chance against his superior induction skills, which also happens to be the argument I would have relied on to cast doubt into the minds of the millions of Idiot Democrats who will no doubt switch party affiliation after watching this masterpiece of expostulation:

"If one stutters, one is lying."

I'll be slinking off to the corner now to cry myself back to sleep.

ATTN: Fellow NWO Members...

2009-09-15T06:58:00.006-04:00

(via le general)

Dude was put here for two things, chewin' bubblegum and kickin' butt, and he's on his last piece of chewin' gum.

Oi vey! This guy is like a cyborg hybrid of Gilbert Gottfried and Dolly Parton that runs on crystal meth and chewing tobacco. Oh....and bubblegum.

"You'd be better off tippin' (or ticklin') a tiger's butt in a phone booth than to come screw with an American patriot!"

UPDATE: This is like a car wreck...I know I shouldn't be staring, but I just can't stop.

Sigh!

2009-09-14T08:45:00.004-04:00

via C&L

"Thank you 7ox News 7or keeping us infromed."

Tragic.

Dear Anonymous,

2009-08-26T08:15:00.004-04:00

From the comments of the most recent post not including this one:

UM...have you ever considered seeing a psychiatrist?? I have been reading through your blogs and this is the most ridiculous blog ever!! WOW!!

Well, first of all, let me thank you for bestowing my blog with your (what I can only assume is honorary) title of "The Most Ridiculous Blog Ever" - it's quite an achievement for me. This is my first blog award, and I'm really happy about it even though I'm not sure it's officially recognized by the NBA (National Bloggers Association). But I don't care...they've been ignoring me for two years now.

And thanks also for the all capitals "WOW!!" at the end. That's usually the way I feel after I write most of these posts so I'm glad you felt the same way after reading some of them.

Which brings me to my only point of concern: Did you do any investigating before giving me this award or did you find my blog so wowing that you just made the title up and gave it to me on the spot?

I don't think you did do the requisite research, and that worries me because I don't want to lose this MOST AWESOME HONOR on account of a technicality. You see, Anonymous, there already is a "The Most Ridiculous Blog". There is also another blog titled "Utterly Ridiculous". And a "Ridiculous Blog"!

Do you see why I'm a bit anxious about potentially losing my first award? My fears are lessened upon careful inspection of your comment, however, when I see that you have anointed "Daily DiaTribe" "The Most Ridiculous Blog EVER".

WOW!! "Ever" ... That's almost as good as eternity. Almost. My blog is like the Highlander.

Just in case those other poser ridiculous blogs get in a tiff about me getting this award and not even having the words "most" or "ridiculous" in the title, I'm proposing that you set up and referee the most ridiculous steel cage death match ever between the wannabe ridiculous blogs and my blog. My blog is pretty tough so the others' blogs can even bring their friends if they want. Maybe the most absurd blog and the most preposterous blog will help them. Winner take all - and the losers blogs have to...wait, it's a death match so the losers will be dead.

Can one actually "kill" a website? Is that in and of itself a ridiculous notion? I digress...

Anyway, to answer your question about me seeing a psychiatrist:

Funny you should bring that up now. I was just talking about that with my cat the other day. I floated the idea of seeing a head doctor. When my cat asked why, I told him because I'm having a conversation with a cat! He asked, "How do you think that makes me feel?" And I realized that I was being selfish. I tried to apologize, but the damage had already been done. We haven't talked for two days now. I miss his poetry and his short stories.

No matter...I shouldn't trouble you with my problems.

Thanks, Anonymous...YOU ROCK!!! WOW!!

Question

2009-08-19T09:33:00.003-04:00

I was reading this post by Ed Brayton this morning, and he has brought up a great point:

Where were all the astro-turf, tea-baggging, "get your government hands off me" conservatives when Terri Schiavo's husband wanted to take her off life support?

The people that are disrupting town hall meetings today with the premise that they are opposed to national health care because it means government intrusion into peoples' private lives are the same ones that wanted the Supreme fracking Court to intervene and keep Schiavo's husband from making a decision that he was legally obliged to make.

These kinds of contradictions would be worth pointing out to the astro-turfers, but assuming they understand what irony is would be taking a leap of faith I'm not ready to take.

I'm quite certain that even if the turfers did understand irony it wouldn't matter because Glenn Beck would blame the Schiavo thing on liberals and tea-baggers would believe him.

I'm just going to start blaming Glenn Beck for everything.

I told you I was lazy.

Joe Conservative

2009-08-13T08:33:00.003-04:00

(copied verbatim from here except for the few paragraphs I wrote at the end)

"A Day in the Life of Joe Middle-Class Republican"

Joe gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and work as advertised.

All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. Joe’s bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; His bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medicals benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe’s employer pays these standards because Joe’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn’t think he should loose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

Its noon time, Joe needs to make a Bank Deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some liberal wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his life-time.

Joe is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dads; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification. (Those rural Republican’s would still be sitting in the dark)

He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn’t have to. After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home.

He turns on a radio talk show, the host’s keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. (He doesn’t tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day) Joe agrees, "We don’t need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I’m a self made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have".

I can think of a few Joe Conservative's in my life. There isn't really anything else to say other than this is the way it is because this is the way it's presented. Joe Conservative hears "Government = bad" because the government is an easy target - the blame has to go somewhere and it's most convenient to stick it to the biggest target.

Liberals are quick (myself included) to point to the hyperbolic ravings on TV personalities like Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly as the main problem. Granted, these talking heads are part of the problem, but there is a much deeper issue of intellectual laziness (OMG! I'm such a fucking elitist) that underpins the rhetoric of TV hosts such as Beck.

This intellectual laziness is a self-destructive form of instant gratification by means of logical convenience. People like Beck preach a message that is pre-designed to assign emotions and feelings with the tangible (color, size, shape). That's convenient. Brown = bad. Big = bad. Et cetera.

I blame us. Not because we're stupid or dumb. Because, in general, we are fucking lazy. I am. I am instinctively lazy. It is my visceral predisposition to look for the path of least resistance.

But I'm lucky. Today, at least, I can often (not always by any means) catch myself looking for the shortcuts. Trying to find an easier, softer way. What I know now is that the apparently easier, softer way is not a path to happiness at all. It's a path to mental suicide.

The Middle East...

2009-07-29T11:59:00.003-04:00

...in Faux Newsistan World:

(from here)

It's not even like the people at Fox try to hide the fact that they're fucking morons anymore.

Get her a PAC already...

2009-07-27T09:12:00.003-04:00

This kid is gonna go far:

My favorite part of this whole video is the two kids in the background. I nearly spit up my cereal when the little dude started shaking his head in an emphatic "NO" motion when this woman starts talking about growing fruit (~1:30).

"Growing food is so good for the people because it's free...all you have to do is pay the farmers and pay for the land and it's new land."

Well, I'll sleep better tonight knowing that George W. Bush has found gainful employment writing speeches for this up and coming political juggernaut.

Yeah!

2009-06-30T09:50:00.003-04:00

(no doubt...The General)

So is RC Cola! Drink Coke or you're queer! Also (I can't believe this is the first I'm hearing of this):

Mother of Mercy...

2009-06-17T12:03:00.003-04:00

...this is just embarrassing. I used to derive some pleasure from watching groups of disjoint right-wing fools make asses of themselves, but now it's just starting to hurt.

At that protest we have one lady suggesting that Letterman will "rape your children with his mouth" while some guy is arguing against the dangers of socialism as he is flailing around in what I can only assume is an attempt to caricature the African American woman he was arguing with as some kind of 80's sitcom persona (Oh no he dit-int!). Ass. Another woman is questioning why we aren't talking about Letterman's "bastard son" and his "slut" wife at a protest in support of Sarah Palin, whose daughter just gave birth to a BASTARD SON A FEW MONTHS AGO!!! If your head is starting to hurt you are not alone - a little piece of my brain just crawled out of my nose and punched me in the eye for making it process this nonsense. I can't make this shit up. These folks are that fucking dumb.

On my new favorite quote list:

2009-06-17T10:24:00.002-04:00

"You can‘t win arguments with people who don‘t deal in facts."

- Rachel Maddow

She was discussing the continued futile attempts by members of the former administration to justify their "enhanced interrogation techniques" by claiming that such methods were useful in obtaining information that prevented further attacks on U.S. interests.

Their poster child, Khalid Sheik Mohammed, has now admitted to making up stories about bin Laden in order to prevent more torture. C&L's Videocafe has more.

Awesome!

2009-05-26T09:09:00.004-04:00

via the General:

This makes me proud to be an American...

...where at least this guy is free (to dress like a dumbass for his prom).

Let me get my tarot cards out and make a prediction. I see two possibilities for this dude's future:

1) Unfathomable regret that he dressed up like Gary Busey's character in Tommy Boy for his senior prom and genuine embarrassment that he actually allowed himself to be photographed looking rather proud dressed as such.

2)

Posted Without Comment...

2009-04-27T08:42:00.002-04:00

William "The Bloody" Kristol writing at The Weekly Standard, which I will not link to:

Of course, everyone’s first choice for president in 2012 is Dick Cheney. But Liz Cheney’s boffo performance yesterday in the lefties’ den, MSNBC, defending sensible interrogation policies in the war on terror, surely puts her in contention for the runner-up position.

Teh Funny...

2009-03-30T09:42:00.006-04:00

It's been awhile, and there is some funny that must go up:

Yes liberal cohorts, they are starting to find that there is strength in numbers. The tea party people are coming, and you are NOT going to like the message they are bringing with them:

Her husband, this guy:

Could not be reached for comment, but her mother:

Is super proud. Meanwhile, her number one fan has taken up a new cause:

I'm glad to see someone finally standing up to "bad goverments walls hipocricy"!!!

Mah Gawd, it physically hurt me to type that last sentence.

Well, I’m off into the real world once again to teabag some liberals, put the morans in their place, make sure that people realize that this is Amurrrrica where we only need to speak Amurrrrrrican, and help make sure ignernt hipocrits in the bad governments don’t build walls.

I’ll see you on the front lines, patriots.

Oi!

You're a Dick!

2009-03-16T08:16:00.003-04:00

No, not you. Him:

Dick Cheney, surfacing from an undisclosed location where he currently enjoys his retirement feeding on rabid kittens and childrens' dreams, appeared on CNN's State of The Union this weekend to...well, I'm not sure why the hell he appeared on CNN. And in case your wondering, he's still reality-non-compliant:

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Former Vice President Dick Cheney on Sunday defended the Bush administration's economic record, the invasion of Iraq and the treatment of suspected terrorists, warning that reversing its anti-terrorism policies endangers Americans.

[snip]

But Cheney said the United States has "accomplished nearly everything we set out to do" in Iraq, including establishing a democratic government in the Middle East.

Delusional.

"I had my say," Cheney told CNN. "I got my chance to voice my views and my objections. I didn't think the North Koreans were going to keep their end of the bargain in terms of what they agreed to, and they didn't."

Dick Cheney: Soothsayer and prophet of national security.

The Obama administration has nominated Christopher Hill, the State Department official who was the top U.S. negotiator with North Korea, to be the U.S. ambassador to Iraq. Cheney said Hill lacks the Middle East experience that his predecessors have, and "I did not support the work that Chris Hill did with respect to North Korea."

"I think it's a choice that I wouldn't have made," he said.

That's good news. We can be all but sure that Chris Hill will be wildly successful if Dick opposes his nomination.

Busy Busy Busy

2009-03-12T08:38:00.002-04:00

Sorry...I've been so busy with work and life that something has to suffer, and it's my blogging. Unfortunately, it's about number 523 on my top 100 priorities list. Hopefully, things will start to calm down within the month. I don't know why (well I have an idea, but that's another post in and of itself), but things seem to get really crazy for the months of March and April every year.

De Facto Captain

2009-03-05T09:08:00.003-05:00

I just read this on CNN this morning, and I don't think I've ever heard anything put so brilliantly this week:

The idiotic debate raging in Washington this week around Michael Steele, the newly elected chairman of the nearly defunct Republican Party, and Rush Limbaugh, a conservative icon for the past 35 years, is beyond foolish.

The battle to be the "de facto leader" of this party is akin to the question of who wants to steer the Titanic after it hit the iceberg.

That.Is.Beautiful.

Yikes!

2009-03-04T10:57:00.003-05:00

Apparently, it's going to be a video day. Max Blumenthal should win a Pulitzer for hilarity. This is like three years in a row he has showed up at CPAC and he continues to find clowns who have a special gift for self-embarrassment. This guy is just sad...

Uhhhh?

2009-03-04T10:05:00.002-05:00

No.

There has been much speculation on the toobz as to this whole Jonathan Krohn "mini-Rush" from CPAC. Personally, I think he's an alien. Or a robot.

If he's neither, then Child Services should take him away from his parents...I'm not joking. Someone is robbing this kid of his childhood, and it should not be allowed to happen. Conservatives would not allow Liberals to do this without verbally shitting themselves in every major media outlet that would have them, which is pretty much every major media outlet.

There would be a Vesuvius-like eruption of indignation from the right, spearheaded by the usual lineup of fucktards. "Look at how evil the Liberals are; using a child to promote their far-left agenda. They should be ashamed."

IOKIYAR, I guess.

This is farkin' awesome...

2009-03-03T13:48:00.003-05:00

From the General's review of Joe the Plumber's book at Amazon:

This is a great book, one every true conservative should buy, and more importantly, read. Yes, I know that sounds like a tall order, but it's an easy read. Joe uses one and two syllable words (many of them, written forms of various grunts) almost exclusively. If I have one complaint, it's that the publisher, Pearlgate, printed it in ink rather than crayon like the original manuscript. Other than that, I think it truly is the perfect book for the average conservative.

Also, things have been light because I've actually had to do real laboratory work these past couple of weeks as opposed to my norm of sitting in front of a computer and pretending to work.

Top Ten via DU (with a side of extra stupidity)

2009-03-02T09:25:00.003-05:00

Here it is...

Extra dumb:

Look at this screen shot of Rush's CPAC speech last week from CNN's live broadcast:

At the bottom the screen reads, [Limbaugh speaking]:"Conservatives want every American to be the best".

Uh...something's awry...Oh yeah, I remember why this seems like a fucked up thing for Rush to say. It wasn't more than six weeks ago that he said this about the President of the United States of America:

I would be honored if the Drive-By Media headlined me all day long: “Limbaugh: I Hope Obama Fails.” Somebody’s gotta say it.

Straight-up, no-questions-asked A-S-S-H-O-L-E.

"The Bubba Effect"?

2009-02-25T12:21:00.005-05:00

Oi!

I'm typing this as I'm watching the clip. Let me say this: At no point in time does the opening statement from the alleged retired Command Sergeant Major make any sense whatsoever. "...[Y]ou see the other Texans and Arizonans that aren't gonna allow to be arrested (sic)...uh...because of the first and second individuals at war. So your second, third orders of effect (sic) are gonna become your Bubbas hunkering down and being anti-government."

What.The.Fuck.Is.He.Talking.About?

I'm done. Thank, God.

Uh. Wow. Ummmmmm...that was weird. Really, really weird. That segment had to be rehearsed at least once before it was shot. Beck's incredulity is just way too disingenuous to be "off-the-cuff".

Brad from SadlyNo! points out what should be obvious but seemingly escapes these Faux News asshelmets:

I just don’t get it.

During Bush’s presidency people like me were called traitors on a fairly regular basis because we didn’t show Bush the proper deference when he’d do some goofy shit like choke on a pretzel. Now we have guys on the teevee that are openly talking about armed insurrection against a democratically elected government and it’s considered the most patriotic and pro-American thing a feller could do with hisself.

This sort of thing doesn’t really offend me because I think most of Beck’s viewers would back down from starting a new civil war once they learned that it would likely lead to Cheeto rationing. But I am amazed at the sheer cognitive dissonance involved in simultaneously believing that it’s treasonous to peacefully oppose an unjustified war but that it’s patriotic to lead an armed insurrection against the government because they want to pay you unemployment benefits. If there’s a weirder political movement than American conservatism, I’ve yet to see it.

I like the chyron at the bottom of the screen when there's only about a minute left. 2014: Survival skills become vital.

Tell me about it. Using my secret time machine, I was able to travel to Beck's post-Obamalypse^TM,©¹ future and return with video:

The future looks awesome!

¹Yeah...I'm trademarking and copyrighting "Obamalypse" as well as any and all variations thereof including but not limited to: "Obamalyptic"

Ouch...

2009-02-25T11:01:00.002-05:00

I didn't watch the SOTU or the Redumblican response last night. But if the chatter on the toobz this morning is any indication, it would seem as though LA Governor Bobby Jindal's reply to the President's speech was unsurprisingly shit-tastic. So much so that even some of the cheerleaders were dissin'. Here's a mash up from Think Progress:

I despise Charles a.k.a. "Wheels McDouchebag"^* Krauthammer.

^*Cf.

Tuesday D'oh!

2009-02-24T08:42:00.003-05:00

Kurt Vonnegut wrote in Sirens of Titan "The big trouble with dumb bastards is that they are too dumb to believe there is such a thing as being smart."

Ernie Mannix falls into that category of colossal stupidity - in fact, my instincts are telling me that Vonnegut was referencing Ernie specifically. To wit:

(BigHo Oscar coverage via TBogg)

Oh great now the Mormans are rioting again.

by Ernie Mannix

Thanks for nothing Sean.

I can't figure out how to type characters representative of the sound that came out of my mouth when I read that. A combination of Greek letters and Roman numerals coupled with a few of these things, *&%^$*, might be close.

Monday Morning "This just made my day" Moment

2009-02-23T08:43:00.004-05:00

One of my good friends is traveling to Florida today, and he happened to get shafted with a two hour layover in the Detroit airport. At this point he emailed me this photo of what is apparently former Senator Larry Craig's (R - duh!) new business venture after resigning from the U.S. senate:

I hope things work out for him. My friend that is...Well, I hope things work out for Larry too!

In case you need to refresh your memory, this is Larry Craig:

Yeah...Nobody could have seen that airport bathroom gay sex thing coming.

Sweet!

2009-02-19T12:26:00.004-05:00

I have a confession. When I stumble across something this farkin' crazy, I get super giddy inside. Like a little kid who is about to get all sorts of candy or toys. I mean really, really silly...If you get bored today, check out this link:

Fixed Earth dot Com

I LOVE IT!!! I've never met someone as scientifically insane as the people who must have authored that site. Consequently, I have a hard believing that such people are even real. I guess that's the downside of being a scientist-in-training (I don't know what's with the work references today...sorry). I'm fascinated just thinking that there are people out there who are this obtuse. For example:

Christians must realize that the Bible teaches a stationary, immovable Earth at the center of the universe with the sun, moon, and stars going around it daily as observed. No more excuses; no more twisting the plain Scriptures because of fear that “science” is right. Just get it in your mind real good that the Bible does teach what the whole world denies, namely, a stationary Earth at the center of the universe.

A-w-e-s-o-m-e. The Bible also teaches that:

- The eating of fat is prohibited forever.

Leviticus 3:17

- People who have flat noses, or are blind or lame, cannot go to an altar of God

Leviticus 21:17-18

- etc...

What else? Ooh! - this one is funny:

Physicists Create Phony Math To Rule Out A Non-Moving Earth

* “The teaching of the self-movement of matter received its full development in the dialectical materialism of Marx, Engles, and Lenin.”29 [Does that sound like “physical science” to you?]

I love the question at the end with the quotes: Does that sound like "physical science" to you?

Uh?

No.

It sounds like a sociological ideology known as Marxism. For Maude's sake the dumbasses even referenced Marx. And for the mother of Pearl, the idea that the Earth is moving had pretty much ceased being debatable long before Marx was born.

I haven't even scratched the surface yet.

I will say that to employ this kind of ridiculous logic seems like it would be fun. I think I might try some later.

Office Space

2009-02-19T09:32:00.005-05:00

I rarely (and by rarely I mean I don't think I've ever done this) post about the goings on at my place of work. Mostly because of security concerns, it is just easier not to say anything rather than scrutinize the details of such a post in order to make sure that there is nothing in it that can cause problems.

However, I will say that my office mates and I recently were blessed with the gift of new furniture in the form of ~~cubicles~~ work stations. They are not too bad, and the setting definitely gives the room a much more "office-y" type feeling. In time, I think we will learn to love them.

Anyway, I've noticed a trend as of late that is really starting to make me laugh. There is one person, my adviser's staff assistant, who sends out emails on a daily basis reminding us of the departmental happenings of the day/week. Here's where the "Office Space" moment comes in:

I have my email program set up to check for new messages about every five minutes...I think. As soon as the first email from the assistant comes in, for the next three or four email check cycles, that same frickin' message appears in my inbox, forwarded by other staff assistants to the same list-serve that got the original email. Just this morning, I've been made aware of a seminar cancellation five different times in the last twenty minutes - I got it - No seminar today.

I don't know...I guess it's the new "work stations" coupled with the "groundhog day" style email that makes me feel like any minute now Lumbergh is gonna pop his head around the corner and tell me he's gonna need me to "go ahead and come in on Saturday...Yeeeaaaah."

-------------------

2009-02-18T15:46:00.003-05:00

There's no title because I can't come up with anything to describe this clip. I'm speechless. This guy's astonishing idiocy coupled with his batshit insanity should disqualify him from appearing as a representative of anything...

(via Cesca via TPM)

What the hell is up with the GOP these days? Has the pool really gotten so shallow that they have to put morons like Hayworth on the air? They can't find anybody better? Really? There's no vetting anymore? WTF? They don't sit these guys down before the interview and say, "Okay J.D., remember now...you're going on national television so hold off on the coo-coo for cocoa puffs rant until after the little red light on the camera goes out"? They don't tell these guys that?

I don't get it. Everyday it's taking less and less creativity to make fun of these people. In this instance, it takes no creativity whatsoever. It's becoming frustrating to a certain degree.

I would like to sit down with this dude, watch this clip, and ask him what he thinks about his performance. I just don't see how anyone, even in their "right" mind (yep, pun intended), could think that his exchange with Matthews was anything more than shamefully embarrassing.

I have so many questions and so little time...

Che sara.

Not Effin' Good Enough

2009-02-18T12:41:00.004-05:00

Via C&L comes this story about the infamous torture letters and the Bush-appointed attorneys involved in making the decision to ~~encourage~~ allow "harsh interrogation methods". The following was written by Michael Isikoff for Newsweek. I haven't read it yet but this (updated) selection really stuck out:

...[S]ome former Bush officials are furious about the OPR's initial findings and question the premise of the probe. "OPR is not competent to judge [the opinions by Justice attorneys]. They're not constitutional scholars," said the former Bush lawyer. Mukasey, in speeches before he left, decried the second-guessing of Justice lawyers who, acting under "almost unimaginable pressure" after 9/11, offered "their best judgment of what the law required."

Sorry, Charlie. But that shit don't fly in the U.S. of A. Maybe in your warped little neocon vision for the country such excuses are acceptable, but unfortunately for you, you all are held accountable to the same laws as the rest of us.

As I see it, these guys don't get a free pass just because they made their decisions under "unimaginable pressure". At that level of government, every decision is made under extreme circumstances - so spare any "legally insane" metaphors. If these lawyers weren't prepared to deal with such situations in a rational, law-abiding fashion, then they should have never been appointed to such high positions in the first place.

Tragically, their "best judgment" sucked, as did the best judgment of nearly every other Bush appointee. Just because you make a decision based on your best judgment doesn't alleviate you from any responsibility when it turns out that said decision was the polar opposite of right.

In terms of Mukasey having "decried" the second guessing of Justice attorneys: BOO-HOO and TOUGH SHIT - The whaaambulance is on the way. Again, we don't live in the authoritarian nation-state that you frequently masturbate to. Thank God not everyone in this country blindly accepts what you tell them at face value and goes on about their business. And thank God there was another group of individuals who refused to act so ignorantly two hundred and thirty years ago.

What does it say about the state of our nation when we impeach a president for lying about oral sex, but have to walk on eggshells any time we even bring up the notion that someone needs to be held accountable for the torture and illegal imprisonment of so many people?

Monday Stuff

2009-02-16T11:44:00.007-05:00

Sorry the posting has been a little light lately. Not that anyone actually reads this stuff anyway. I've been busier than hell the past few week. On the other hand, I didn't have all that much to say anyway. Nor do I today...

Here is the link to this week's Top Ten. John McCain gets the number six slot, and in case you're wondering, he's still a douche.

I should really start reading things before I post about them or link to them. Because Faux News' number eight slot on the list is too precious not to post:

During the February 10 edition of Fox News' Happening Now, co-host Jon Scott claimed that "the Senate is expected to pass the $838 billion stimulus plan -- its version of it, anyway. We thought we'd take a look back at the bill, how it was born, and how it grew, and grew, and grew."

In tracking how and when the bill purportedly "grew," Scott referenced seven dates, as on-screen graphics cited various news sources from those time periods. However, all of the sources and cost figures Scott cited, as well as the accompanying on-screen text, were also contained in a February 10 press release issued by the Senate Republican Communications Center. One on-screen graphic during the segment even repeated a typo from the GOP document, further confirming that Scott was simply reading from a Republican press release.

Fair and balanced. We report...you decide! The "No Spin" zone. Hannity's America! Yeah, we suck!

Fox News has become the kid whose too dumb to even change the title and a few words around when he's copying another kid's book report. Hah! Fuck off, Fox News. No seriously, I'm being as sincere as Dick Cheney when I say,"Go fuck yourselves!"

And apparently the RNC's collective IQ isn't too off from that of Fox News. Here is a cute little Valentine's Day card that their comedic geniuses came up with:

Ehhh...Yeah. So the RNC has taken on a character of its own: That embarrassing family member who makes really inappropriate jokes that everyone just either pretends not to hear or half-chuckles at while looking at each out of the corner of their eyes. All the while he is punching you in the shoulder while laughing hysterically and your like, "Yeah - heah, Uncle Bob...that was real funny man" while thinking, "Dude, don't laugh too hard or you'll encourage him to make another horribly horrible awful joke." but to no avail because Uncle Bob needs no encouragement. His nature, nay his raison d'etre, is to suck the funny out of any and all situations.

Congratulations, RNC. You have become and will now and forever remain "Uncle Bob, Black Hole of Funny."

Here is a link to really good news regarding gas prices and my take on CNN Money's analysis:

But since gas prices slumped to a low of $1.616 per gallon on Dec. 30, they've jumped more than 20%. At their current rate, prices could easily eclipse $2 per gallon.

This is occurring as crude oil prices are trading well below $40 a barrel.

"I think what you're seeing now is a backlash of a period, from the end of the summer until the end of the year, when refiners were selling gas into the consumer market at a discount to crude oil," said Ben Brockwell, director of data pricing for OPUS.

He's probably right. I would have been more inclined to add more to that statement though...something along the lines of (my addition in italics):

I think what you're seeing now is a backlash of a period, from the end of the summer until the end of the year, when refiners were selling gas into the consumer market at a discount to crude oil, and it is the perfect example of insatiable human greed combined with fallaciously regulated capitalism to form a parasitic life form who, in its thirst for more and more, will ultimately end up killing itself by killing its host economy first.

That's what I would have said.

Oh, Thank God!

2009-02-10T09:09:00.005-05:00

We can finally have some closure regarding the Patrick McDermott disappearance back in 2005 thanks to CNN's crack investigative reporter, Nancy Grace. I'm just glad to see this story attracting the kind of comeuppance it has so sorely been lacking. It truly does merit the top news story slot on CNN's home page.

This is the kind of reporting that makes me wish I could just block access on my computer to all the other web pages in the world except CNN. With investigative journalism on such hard-hitting cases as this, why bother with other news sources? Just try to imagine the kind of resources one must need to write such a dispatch, not to mention the keen sense of presence one must have to dig up a story about a missing B-list-celebrity-dating, lighting technician who went missing after a fishing trip four years ago. Honestly folks, you're not going to get this kind of super insight from Reuters:

NEW YORK (CNN) -- Former lighting technician Patrick McDermott, best known as Olivia Newton-John's boyfriend of nine years, mysteriously disappeared July 1, 2005.

Olivia Newton-John and Patrick McDermott were together for nine years. Then he disappeared.

He wasn't on board the fishing boat "Freedom" when it returned to shore in San Pedro, California, after an overnight excursion.

This is what those of us in the biz call "the hook". You see how they did that? "He wasn't on board the fishing boat 'Freedom' when it returned to shore..." I'll bet you're all like, "Whaaa? Huhhh? Well then where the hell was he if he wasn't on board a single obscure fishing vessel returning to a port town that I've never heard of?"

Don't worry, CNN has got the lede:

McDermott was seen boarding the vessel that evening with his fishing gear and a duffle bag. The 22 passengers and three crew members on board gave conflicting reports about his whereabouts both during and at the end of the trip.

Police have determined that McDermott did indeed board the vessel, fished with the others and socialized on the boat both on June 30 and the next day, July 1.

Fishing gear A-N-D a duffle bag? A fuckin' duffle bag, people!!! This is why CNN is the tops. Now I'm sitting here speculating as to what a man who is about to embark on a multi-day fishing trip would be doing boarding a boat with his tackle AND a duffle bag. You might be quick to assume the obvious: That the bag had a change of clothes in it. But this is Patrick Fucking McDermott were talking about here, lighting technician and apparent criminal mastermind. For all we know he could have had a million dollars in cash and a collapsible bazooka in there. That's why we must rely on the brilliance of organizations as CNN.

However, the witness accounts conflict about what happened as the boat neared shore on the afternoon of July 1. No one is quite sure when they last saw McDermott in the last 30 minutes of the voyage.

McDermott paid his bar and kitchen tab, which consisted of two hot dogs and a Coke, a kitchen receipt shows. Then he seems to have vanished.

O-MAH-GAWD!!11!!!!1! TWO HOT DOGS AND A COKE! ARE YOU EFFIN' SERIOUS?????!

Who gets two hot dogs and a Coke unless they are completely up to something? I'll tell you who: EVIL GENIUS LIGHTING TECHNICIANS - That's who!

Some witnesses told police they thought they saw McDermott get off the boat when it docked and walk toward the parking lot, but they cannot be sure it was him.

No doubt. If McDermott is half as smart as I'm starting to think he is, he had probably already performed several facial reconstructive surgeries on himself to throw his fishing companions off by this point.

Ten days passed before relatives began a search for McDermott. They first became alarmed on July 6 when he didn't show up for a family gathering.

That's a reasonable time to wait before filing a missing persons report...NOT! Don't you see, his family is in on it too - they're nothing more than a band of evil lighting technicians gypsies who sole purpose in life is to fake each others accidental fishing boat deaths. This is what they do, people. WAKE UP!!!

Relatives found his car still parked at the San Pedro Marina where he'd left it when he boarded the fishing vessel.

Investigators then discovered McDermott had left personal items on the boat, including his wallet. As police looked into his background, they learned that McDermott had been facing a mountain of debt, including being ordered by a court to pay back child support payments for his 15-year-old son from a prior marriage.

A Coast Guard investigation concluded that he was "most likely drowned at sea." But some people believe he may be alive.

AWW SHIT...THE FRICKIN' GOVERNMENT IS IN ON TOO! This is so much bigger than I thought. This is the new 9/11 conspiracy and CNN broke the story. There will be Pulitzers for years to come from this one. I wouldn't be surprised if Obama creates a new Office Of Missing Lighting Technician Gypsies and appoints Nancy Grace to head the division.

Also, "some people believe he may be alive." 'Some' people? We all know what that means. (???)

Investigators have theorized that McDermott may have staged his death to escape financial pressures.

Since McDermott disappeared, there have been hundreds of supposed sightings of him in Mexico.

Again, CNN has set a new mark for investigative reporting. You see how they just say "Investigators have theorized..." and leave it at that. No need for citations, references, or quotes. This shall be come the new standard for journalistic integrity. Watch how it will work...

Some scientists theorize that monkeys will fly out of my ass and into outer space where they will link up with the droid mothership where they will all begin making the final preparations for the upcoming Butt-droid monkey Invasion war, set to commence December 21, 2012 at the stroke of midnight.

The Coast Guard, the lead investigative agency, says its case is closed. It found no evidence to support or disprove criminality or foul play in the McDermott disappearance.

"We spoke to dozens of witnesses on that vessel and we concluded any reported sightings of McDermott getting off that boat after it docked were not credible," said Scott Epperson, a Coast Guard spokesman in Long Beach.

Why is the Coast Guard helping to cover up this most heinous lighting technician disappearance? What are they getting out of this? Who benefits the most from McDermott's disappearance: the lighting technicians guild or the gypsies? Thanks to the awesomeness of CNN, these questions can finally start to find some answers.

UPDATE: Here's a photo from a recent suspected sighting of McDermott and his evil gypsy criminal butt monkey droid cohorts:

Untitled...

2009-02-09T15:34:00.004-05:00

Glen Beck doesn't deserve the mental effort it would take me to come up with something that comes even close to remotely describing his profound douchebaggery. This clip is from Thursday's show (I think...since Beck's histrionics have crossed the invisible threshold between typical right wing nuttiness into a full time onslaught of bat shit insanity, it's kind of hard to distinguish one night from the next).

If that video is not convincing enough for you, check here.

Friday Awesome!

2009-02-06T15:12:00.002-05:00

I received this email from a friend of mine earlier this morning. I would be remiss not to mention that he grew up in France, and the poem was sent to him by his mother, who is in France. You know...France. The country that forced the courageous D.C. culture warriors to rename French Fries "Freedom Fries" and French Toast "Freedom Toast" after they wouldn't help us invade a nation that had nothing to do with anything...Cause nothing shows another country that it better not fuck with American resolve like an Act of Congress officially changing the name of foods that don't even really come from said country in the first place.

Here is the poem, sonnet...whatever it is, it's cool...Thanks, Pat (definitely half-French):

Be happy, dear hearts, and allow yourselves
a few more weeks of quiet exultation.
It isn't gloating, it's satisfaction at a job well done.
He was a superb candidate, serious, professorial
but with a flashing grin and a buoyancy that comes
from working out in the gym every morning.
He spoke in a genuine voice, not senatorial at all.
He relished campaigning. He accepted adulation gracefully.
He brandished his sword against his opponents
without mocking or belittling them.
He was elegant, unaffected, utterly American,
and now (Wow) suddenly America is cool.
Chicago is cool. Chicago !!!

We threw the dice and we won the jackpot
and elected a black guy with a Harvard degree,
the middle name Hussein and a sense of humor
he said, "I've got relatives who look like Bernie Mac,
and I've got relatives who look like Margaret Thatcher."
The French junior minister for human rights said,
"On this morning, we all want to be American
so we can take a bite of this dream unfolding
before our eyes." When was the last time you heard
someone from France say they wanted to be American
and take a bite of something of ours?
Ponder that for a moment.

The world expects us to elect pompous yahoos,
and instead we have us a 47-year-old prince
from the prairie who cheerfully ran the race, and
when his opponents threw sand at him,
he just smiled back. He'll be the first president in history
to look really good making a jump shot.
He loves his classy wife and his sweet little daughters.
At the same time, he knows pop music,
American lit and constitutional law.
I just can't imagine anybody cooler.

It feels good to be cool, and all of us can share in that,
even sour old right-wingers and embittered blottoheads
Next time you fly to Heathrow and hand your passport
to the man with the badge, he's going to see
" United States of America " and look up and grin.
Even if you worship in the church of Fox ,
everyone you meet overseas is going to ask you about Obama,
and you may as well say you voted for him because,
my friends, he is your line of credit over there.
No need anymore to try to look Canadian.

Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

I'm getting kind of tired of typing such things, but...

2009-02-04T12:03:00.002-05:00

...Andy Card: Go Fuck Yourself!

I found that Ronald Reagan and both President Bushes treated the Oval Office with tremendous respect. They treated the Office of the Presidency with tremendous respect. And some of that respect was reflected in how they expected people to behave, how they expected them to dress when they walked into the symbol of freedom for the world, the Oval Office. And yes, I'm disappointed to see the casual, laissez faire, short sleeves, no shirt and tie, no jacket, kind of locker room experience that seems to be taking place in this White House and the Oval Office.

I'm too young to really comment on Our Conservative Lord and Savior, Ronald Reagan, and Daddy Bush, but I endured eight long years of insufferable, fucktastic dumbassery just like the rest of you when it comes to W. Consequently, I think I'm justified in getting moderately irked when asshelmets like Card say profoundly absurd things like, "And yes, I'm disappointed to see the casual, laissez faire, short sleeves, no shirt and tie, no jacket, kind of locker room experience that seems to be taking place in this White House and the Oval Office."

I don't even know why this bothers me anymore. It's so typical of the kind of staggering bullshit I've come to expect from these neo-con shit-for-brains. What bothers me is that there are still those in the media who lap this kind of nonsense up like a dehydrated dog, and feed it back to the masses verbatim, giving the public the impression that a sniveling ass-kiss like Andy Card still peddles real influence outside of the Wednesday Night Neo-con Circle Jerk meeting.

Maybe this is a good thing. If Card is disappointed by something he sees going on in the White House that should probably bode well for the rest of humanity. That's a tough concept for Card and his cronies to grasp: That they are not some human demi-god overlords who can do whatever they want anymore, and just because they don't like something doesn't automatically make it a bad thing. In fact, it could be a good thing. I don't like standing on the surface of the sun, but I'll capitulate that the sun is kind of a good thing.

That's a horrible analogy. I'm done. You get the point.

Warrior Lamb

2009-02-04T09:15:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure why, but I'm enthralled by this picture...

(via The General)

Yeah, that's Jesus wearing a boonie hat, packing what looks to me like a CZ (Czech Scorpion) 9x19 sub-machine gun sans the folding stock. Who comes up with this shit?

HAHAHA!!!

2009-02-03T15:59:00.003-05:00

I know that "blink" tag is annoying but bear with me.Via TBogg comes what I am sure will be the funniest thing I read all week:

When GOP congressional aides gather Tuesday morning for a meeting of the Conservative Working Group, Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher – more commonly known as Joe the Plumber — will be their featured guest. This group is an organization of conservative Capitol Hill staffers who meet regularly to chart GOP strategy for the week.

(snip)

“In case you weren’t planning to attend CWG tomorrow morning, you might want to reconsider because Joe the Plumber will be joining us!” Kimberly Wallner, an aide to South Carolina Sen. Jim DeMint, wrote in a message to her e-mail list this afternoon.

Uh...Okay, Kimberly...ehhh....I'll see you there. I'll probably be sitting in the back so don't bother looking for me.

If I Were a Democrat in D.C...

2009-02-03T14:49:00.005-05:00

...I would tell the GOP to go fuck themselves. Crusted News is reporting that the GOP today unveiled a list of what they deem "wasteful spending" in the Senate version of the $900 billion stimulus bill. Let's see some of the newest entries in the "Things that render this blogger unconscious because they make him instinctively smash his head off his desk to try and make the hurt between his ears stop.":

- A $246 million tax break for Hollywood movie producers to buy motion picture film.

What the fuck does that even mean? It's cool, CNN. Don't elaborate on what that means for Christ's sake - just as long as you work the stale, lame-ass "Look at how the Liberals and Hollywood are secret lovers" meme into an article about what the GOP considers wasteful spending, you've done your jobs.

- $448 million for constructing the Department of Homeland Security headquarters.

- $248 million for furniture at the new Homeland Security headquarters.

Really? No, really?

^1,2This is has to be some kind of joke, right? The fucking Grand Ol' Party is going to complain about DHS spending - even if it is for a new headquarters and furniture. If Bush had come up with this idea, Republicans would be fighting with each other over who gets to give W. the first hand-job. Imagine the script was flipped, and the Assholes (GOP) were requesting this money and the Democrats were objecting, you'd have every fucking GOP talking head on TV asking the question, "Why do the Democrats want the terrorists to win?" or "Why do the Democrats hate America?" And don't even try argue that I'm being hyperbolic because you know as well as I do that their decrying would probably be worse than that.

- $400 million for the Centers for Disease Control to screen and prevent STD's.

I guess since most GOP'ers already have multiple STDs from all the hookers, they feel like everyone else should have to suffer too.

- $125 million for the Washington sewer system.

I get this one. When the shit starts backing up onto the Capitol steps, the GOP can blame it on the Democrats, and this time they can really rally the troops because they'll have pictures of piles of shit to show them instead of just fancy talkin' wurds.

- $75 million for salaries of employees at the FBI.

ibid¹.

- $200 million for public computer centers at community colleges.

Community colleges have long been hotbeds of liberal activism.

- $500 million for flood reduction projects on the Mississippi River.

You'd think they'd learn the lesson about flood prevention. But we are talking about the same people who thought Sarah Palin was a good idea.

- $6 billion to turn federal buildings into "green" buildings.

Well, if it has the word "green" in the proposal and it doesn't involve stealing taxpayers money or dumping toxic waste on endangered species the GOP is generally opposed to it.

- $500 million for state and local fire stations.

ibid.^1,2

- $1.2 billion for "youth activities," including youth summer job programs.

The GOP already has jobs lined up for America's youth as soon as they get the selective service age down to 12 years old and reinstate the draft. Thus negating any need for "'youth activities,' including youth summer job programs." Any younger than twelve and the GOP will concede that children are not strong enough to be cost effective worker-fighters.

- $88 million for renovating the headquarters of the Public Health Service.

- $412 million for CDC buildings and property.

- $500 million for building and repairing National Institutes of Health facilities in Bethesda, Maryland.

GOP: "Why do the Democrats hate germs and diseases so much?"

- $100 million for reducing the hazard of lead-based paint.

GOP: "Why do the Democrats hate lead?"

- $200 million in funding for the lease of alternative energy vehicles for use on military installations.

Fat fuckin' chance of that one ever making it. Not when Halliburton is buying GMC trucks for the dirt cheap price of $85,000 a piece and then torching the trucks as soon as they get a flat tire. I'm serious...check that link out.

I say this a lot but it's getting repeated now: This would all be really fucking funny if it wasn't so nauseatingly tragic.

Nope.

2009-02-02T09:23:00.005-05:00

Oi Vey! This is just awful (via Attaturk):

You can get that for only $250 on ebay. Seriously. That's not that bad a price for a picture that looks eerily similar to the way I imagine myself while in the loo, taking a dump.

UPDATE: One more thing...Redumblicans...this guy is not a good party representative. Your not even making it hard any more, dammit.

It's okay, Ted

2009-01-30T08:28:00.003-05:00

Reading this article on CNN about last night's Larry King interview with Ted Haggard was a real "Ugh" moment for me this morning. It bothers me for a number of reasons, many of which I just don't have the time to get into this morning. I would be remiss not to mention that Haggard's staggering hypocrisy is nothing short of...Well, really old news. This is the kind of thing those of us who 'pay attention' have come to expect from these evangelical leadership types. And it's also the kind of thing that makes me shy away from organized religion altogether.

In "Age of Reason", Thomas Paine wrote, "My own mind is my own church." This single phrase brought me more in touch with my spirituality than I had ever been before. (Honestly, I was still pretty fuckin' far from spiritual when I first read that, but things have gotten better since.) Without going too far of the intended path, I'd like to say that I consider myself a Christian (That is how I was raised), I believe that Jesus was a historical figure, and I try to follow the red words in my daily life, which are non-coincidentally very similar to the important words in let's say: The Quran, The Tao Te Ching, Bhagavad Gita, The Mahayana sutras, etc. Do I think Jesus was the son of God, or God on Earth? Well, I don't know. To me those are questions of parliamentary and ecclesiastical dogma and hence, have no real impact on my faith or the practice thereof.

I suppose the point in all of that is: When one places a set of supernatural expectations on a human being, who is no more or less frail and fallible as the rest of us, well that person with the expectations is setting himself up for a huge letdown. With all the sincerity of my heart, believe me when I say I know something about unreasonable expectations and the associated feelings of planned outcomes not matched by reality.

Still, as much as I am bothered by all of this, what I found most troubling was Haggard's lack of acceptance - or at least what I perceive as his lack of acceptance.

Controversy involving Haggard first erupted in November 2006, when a former prostitute, Mike Jones, said the pastor had paid him for sex over three years and had used methamphetamine in his presence.

In the CNN interview, Haggard credited Jones with having helped him by disclosing that information.

"I think he rescued me. I'm very grateful to him," Haggard said. He said he would have lost the support of his wife of 30 years, Gail, and their five children "and been a drug addict" had he not been caught.

"I paid a heavy price. It was stupid," he said.

You should be grateful. This man gave you an out, Ted. You don't have to hide who you are anymore. You are a gay man, at least a bi-sexual man, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Haggard likened his struggles with his desires to the struggles faced by dieters who say, "'I'm not going to eat today' and then they eat."

No.

There are dieters who break their diet so they can have a piece of cake, and then there are people who are addicted to eating. There are people who cheat on their spouses on the impulse of lust, and there are those who are addicted to sex. There are those who can socially drink, and there are those who turn into complete lunatics as soon as they ingest alcohol - we're called alcoholics (I know. I am one, and I'm okay with that today. Because I've admitted it, I can do something about it.)

Now, there are men who experiment sexually at some point in their life, and there are homosexual or bisexual men in heterosexual relationships who pay male prostitutes to sleep with them. Such people are not addicted to sex, alcohol/drugs, or eating. (I should rephrase that...they might be addicted to any number of those things.) They have primal, instinctive, and emotional feelings, love maybe, towards members of the same sex, not because they have a disease like addiction, but because that is the way God made them. And that is okay.

However, I don't know what it's like in the closet, and I can only imagine the kind of hell one must suffer through while living in one.

And yes, I will acknowledge that in saying all of this I have opened the door for hours of semantic debate about whether or not love is an addiction - I have been debating myself the whole time I'm writing. My point is this, there is nothing spiritual in addiction. In my opinion, the foundation of spirituality is love. Whether it's the kind of love that develops between two friends, or the kind that manifests both in friendly and physical ways. So, for me, to deny such feelings is in essence to deny my spirituality. I can think of several examples in my life today where things would be a lot tougher - impossible perhaps - if I couldn't count on those around me whom I love.

I hope I made my point clear enough, I'm getting really pressed for time and this thing, this post became much more than I originally intended it to be. I really have to go and I wish I could have elaborated more thoroughly, but such is life.

By the way: My inner thirteen year old says, "Dude, could you have made that post any gayer?"

Awwww. Shit...

2009-01-29T09:04:00.003-05:00

...she's right about this one.

I do not like agreeing with people who question our Supreme Overlord, B. Hussein O, - especially reporters who still think it is their job, nay their duty and obligation to hold politicians accountable (W. killed that notion his first week in office) - but in this case I have to say that Campbell Brown is on point:

Commentary: Obama's hypocrisy showing

My view is simple: Mr. President, if you want to hire former lobbyists because you think they are the best people to do the job, then hire former lobbyists. Just don't hold a big news conference first to tell us how your administration is going to be so different from previous administrations in that you won't be hiring lobbyists.

I agree. Mr. President, don't hold a press conference and campaign on the notion that lobbyist won't peddle any influence in your administration and then turn around and try to hire a former lobbyist to be the Treasury Secretary.

That almost makes as much sense as say...this:

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

- W.

Almost.

My Two Cents

2009-01-28T09:10:00.002-05:00

(via CNN)

After suspension for nodding at Obama, drum major quits

(CNN) -- An Ohio man who was suspended as the drum major of a band for giving President Obama a nod during last week's inaugural parade is calling it quits.

(snip)

Coleman was seen during the nationally televised January 20 parade nodding toward the new president while marching with the band. A few steps later, he appeared to wave briefly.

He told WEWS that as the band was marching past the grandstand where Obama was sitting, he made eye contact with the president.

"Contact was made with our eyes both together and he smiled and waved at the band," he told the station. "And just as a gesture, I nodded my head. I gave him a slight wave and went on."

Representatives from the group did not return calls from CNN. But bandleader Mike Engle told the Cleveland Plain Dealer that Coleman was suspended because he ignored military protocol.

"We had gone over and over time and again with everyone in the band that this was a military parade," Engle told the newspaper. "Protocol and proper decorum had to be followed at all times. Unfortunately, John chose to ignore that."

Coleman had been suspended from the band for six months.

In a written statement, band manager Ken Rybka said Coleman's resignation from the group "comes as a shock and surprise."

On a NATIONAL level, who fucking cares? Seriously, who gives a shit? Does anyone out there really give a damn?

For real...if you honestly care about this more than you genuinely care about...let's say, a rat's ass - let me know. I'll remove this post.

If you can convince me that this story belongs on a national news network's website, I'll delete this thing.

If you can prove to me that this story merits more of my attention then the sweat on a gnat's ball sack, I'm listening.

If you can tell me why this story is more important than a story about the recent uptake in free creamer theft from convenience stores and the associated surge in artificial milk production, I'm all ears.

I will take this post down so fast that Google cache will be like, "Hey, where the fuck did that post go? It was here a minute ago...what happened?" Then I'll come in and kick Google cache in the head with my turbo legs and be like, "Fuck you Google cache, you're too slow...If you want to keep up with me and my energy blog, you need to start drinking Blog-berry flavored Power Thirst!"

(Hi, M.H.)

Horses' Asses

2009-01-27T14:32:00.003-05:00

It took me awhile to collect my wits and type these words after the recent concussion I suffered as a result of reading this article and consequently repeatedly bashing my head off my desk in disbelief.

While reading this keep in mind that one of the schools is a Christian school and the other a school for children with learning disabilities.

Covenant School to forfeit 100-0 win over Dallas Academy

That's the kind of story right there that makes me want to start going to church again.

Yeah, He's Definitely a Secret Muslim...

2009-01-27T14:11:00.002-05:00

I just don't have the time today, much to my sadness, to explore the tubes for reactions to Obama's first formal television interview. Being that it was with Al-Arabiya, I'm sure the normal cast of characters is shitting in their cereal and foaming at the mouth - at least the ones that haven't already been hospitalized from excess Cheetos dust inhalation.

Here is part of the interview I'm talking about:

Wow...this is hard but I gotta get back to work. I so want to check Ace, WND, America's shittiest website, and Clownhall, but I need to prioritize.

More of Teh Funny

2009-01-26T09:33:00.004-05:00

(Cesca's GDAB)

Blago's one crazy mo'fo':

[Blagojevich]...in an NBC interview broadcast on The Today Show Sunday compared himself to human rights heros Nelson Mandela, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi.

In the past I would have devoted all my available resources to finding out what that guy is on and then figuring out how I could get some. Today, thankfully and gratefully, I'm content with just laughing at the insanity.

Teh Funny...

2009-01-26T09:04:00.003-05:00

(via C&L via i can has cheezburger)

"Will work for attention!"

That Was Way Too Close

2009-01-22T09:38:00.002-05:00

They almost did it. By "they" I mean Conservative bloggers, and by "it" I mean put us Liberal satirist/comedy bloggers out of business.

I can't believe they got so close. How did we not see it earlier? The horrible, horrible metaphors, the analogies that only make sense to eighty-three year old virgins hopped up on chamomile and ginseng, and their ability to be completely wrong about literally everything always for eternity with each word they type. I have to hand it to them, it was a good plan:

Make ourselves look like total asses while caricaturing ourselves to the point where any attempt to mock us will fail as nothing any liberal satirist composes can out parody our original, colossal sucktasticness.

I'm not talking about the true-believers here. Farah, Norris, Nuggent...those guys departed reality a long, long time ago. No, I'm talking about your typical Wingnut Welfare blogger...your Ace of Spade, Jonah "~~and~~ The Whale" Goldberg (Wow, that was not very spiritual - forgive me HP), K-Lo, Benny Shapiro...the quintessential Cheetos-dust snorting, "I only masturbate to D-Day documentaries" type asshat.

They nearly pulled it off. Not only is every blog post they write ridiculously hideous, but they actually had some of their first-stringers, Goldberg for instance, writing books on topics such as how the modern Liberal is akin to a 1930's Nazi overlord in the sense that some Liberals today are vegetarians just like Hitler was an animal lover(???). Stephen Hawking can't come up with a more abstract concept, and that dude works on shit like space and time wrapping around each other so tightly that the immutable laws of physics become...mutable?

I can't believe we were so blind. Luckily, as is their wont, one of them got too greedy and their devious plot began to unravel all around them. To wit: Brigadier General Butt Missile himself, John Hinderaker, dropped this irony bomb on the blogosphere a few months ago:

In the eight years he has been President, it is remarkable how few gaffes or verbal blunders [George W. Bush] has committed. If Obama doesn’t raise his standards, he will exceed Bush’s total before he is inaugurated.

Perfect. Twenty-twenty hindsight reveals that it was too perfect. Those two sentences are so absurd, so unfathomably dumb, that they are impossible to parody. I remember when I first read that back in November. I tried to make fun of it. I had a pretty good analogy going about Bush and a mute orangutan debating each other during prime time, but I couldn't seal the deal. (Incidentally, that is not the only time I've had troubles "sealing the deal"...seriously, ask my ex-girlfriends...I used to pass out A LOT. I luv making fun of myself...if I can't laugh at myself then I don't have the right to laugh at anyone else - this has been "Tribe's personal inventory non-sequitor to the topic at hand" of the day.)

It was like artificial intelligence becoming self-aware. The thing (those two sentences in this case) in and of itself was not only the punchline but the entire joke. How the hell do you make fun of that?

That really threw me at the time. I didn't even want to think about it, and to be honest I had pushed the remembrance of it to the back of my mind until it was propelled to center-stage while I was reading another post this morning.

The Butt Scud^*, in an attempt to kill irony once and for all, launches another salvo:

via SadlyNo!

While his stewardship of the economy was generally good, Bush fell down in other areas of domestic policy. His sponsorship of comprehensive immigration reform and the Medicare drug benefit and his acquiescence in ridiculous levels of federal spending are all black marks. They are balanced by Bush’s excellent judicial appointments and his management of a strikingly scandal-free administration.

Again, that statement is already so silly I cannot find a way to make it any funnier. In fact, it is so obtuse, it was at this point that I started to suspect that some sort of chicanery was afoot. True to conservative fashion, Assrocket ruined for everyone else with this one:

In foreign policy, the terrorist attacks dominated, perhaps too much. Few would have predicted on September 12, 2001, that there would be no more successful attacks on American soil or even against American interests abroad, yet that is what happened.

Anthrax? Every day in Iraq and Afghanistan? It hurts - make it stop.

Then Hindy comes with this:

As we noted here, President Bush’s strong anti-terrorist policies stopped a long string of successful terrorist attacks that stretched back to the late 1970s. His record in this respect is truly extraordinary, and he deserves an enormous amount of credit for it.

No.

Followed by this:

With hindsight, the beginning of the end for Bush was his unwillingness to defend himself when he was attacked for the “sixteen words” in his State of the Union address–words that were indisputably true. The same thing happened after Hurricane Katrina, the event that got his second term off on the wrong foot. In truth, the federal response to Katrina was both the largest and the fastest response to any natural disaster in world history. Yet Bush was never willing to stand up to his critics and make the case in his own defense.

That tendency to turn the other cheek was, in the end, fatal. Bush never cared much about politics.

No, no, no.

Never cared much about politics? I guess when you have two of the most evil political geniuses of all time, Karl Rove and Andy Card, on your personal staff you don't really have to give two shits about politics.

The tendency of Hinderaker to take things one step too far was, in the end, what led me to discover this heinous scheme to destroy liberal satire.

Here is the spoiler:

Everything considered, I give the Bush administration a B-.

Busted, Butt-Missile. You almost got away with it you clever bastard. You should have given him an "A" or an "A-". But a "B-"...sorry, Charlie - that doesn't flow with the completely unhinged and delusional nature of your preceding comments.

It was a good plan, but once again, the Conservatives were hamstrung by one of their owns' lack of fiscal reserve.

As for the rest of us on the left...We gotta turn up the vigilance a little. As I said earlier: That was way too close!

^*Cf.

2009-01-20T06:44:00.002-05:00

It's All Over!!!

That Didn't Take Long

2009-01-19T08:43:00.005-05:00

I just said in the last post that I was going to check Faux News because my normal sources of crazy weren't cooperating this morning. As I suspected, I was not let down.

Critics Push to End Abstinence-Only Sex Education

That's right...more of this nonsense:

NEW YORK — With the exit of the Bush administration, critics of abstinence-only sex education will be making an aggressive push to cut off federal funding for what they consider an ineffective, sometimes harmful program.

How quickly and completely they reach their goal is uncertain, however, as conservative supporters of abstinence education lobby Congress and President-elect Barack Obama to preserve at least some of the funding, which now totals $176 million a year.

And even if federal funding is halted, some states — such as Georgia — are determined to keep abstinence programs going on their own, ensuring that this front in the culture wars will remain active.

Culture wars? Oi vey! That is a trademarked term, made up solely by Bill O' and the other Faux News clowns to stir their ever-diminishing viewership into a frenzy over the perceived "liberal threat" to America's culture. I proffer this: Where is it written that abstinence-only education is a part of America's culture.

When I think of American culture I think of many things (note: This is what I think of): Jazz, Rock-and-roll, Baseball, Civil Rights, etc. What doesn't come to mind is stopping the evil, librul satanists, what with their latex condoms and comprehensive sex educations, from pushing their evil wares on today's youth. What a joke.

Bonus: Here is Faux News parodying itself again:

Even after Democrats took control of Congress in the 2006 elections, liberals lacked the votes to end abstinence-only funding, and President George Bush stuck by his strong support for it.

Of course he did. Abstinence-only education fucking sucks, so President Bush is by nature compelled to throw all of his support behind it. That is what he does.

I'm feeling kind of froggy now...I'm gonna turn up the crazy and take a quick hit of Clownhall...

Sweet Jeebus...nothing in writing but this screen shot pretty much sums it up:

The pillar of internet conservatism is reporting that a plane skirted disaster NUMOUS times.

I do lots of things numous times. Like proofread the titles of my blog posts to make sure I don't make myself look like a jackass by MISSPELLING A WORD IN THE FUCKING TITLE-LINK!!!

One more...I'm venturing a guess that being we are only hours away from the inauguration, Worldnutdaily will be able to blow my mind with insanity.

BAM!!!

Holy shit, right on the top of the page:

Farah calls on all godly Americans: Pray Obama fails
--Exclusive WND.Commentary--

Yes Godly Ammurrricans...Joseph Farah is calling on you to pray that the next president fails. Because that's what God wants you to do - pray for someone else to fail. How very Godly and Christ-like.

Farah is so batshit crazy it's farkin' awesome:

I want Obama to fail because his agenda is 100 percent at odds with God's. Pretending it is not simply makes a mockery of God's straightforward Commandments.

Tell me about it. Like: "Thou shalt not kill." Obama's agenda: Rampant killing of Christians in a Colosseum-like setting. There's gonna be lions. There's gonna be bears. And there is sure as shit gonna be lots of innocent blood spilled.

Or: "Honor the mother and father." Not anymore...all newborn babies will not know what it is like to have a mother and father. From now on, newborns will be sent straight from the nursery to Obamacation camp where they will learn that the only true father is the one called Obama.

And: "Thou shalt not have any graven images before thee." Inside information leaked from Obama's staff shows that as soon as he is sworn into office, Obama plans to tear down the Washington Monument and replace it with a new memorial to his phallus. All will be forced to bow down before Obama's member while disavowing God.

I can't wait. Keep in mind that this is Joseph Farah...

In all fairness, that's enough 'stach to make anyone go mad.

Top Ten via DU...

2009-01-19T08:17:00.003-05:00

Here is this week's Top Ten Conservative ~~fuck-necks~~ Idiots...Sorry, I'm feeling a tad jaded right now. My initial scan of the Toobz News this morning has netted no keyboard fodder, and I'm feeling out of sorts about that fact.

I had to miss something...tomorrow is the Inauguration for crap's sake. Against my better judgment I'm going to go check the Faux News website...I'll be back if I don't stroke out first.

Kind of funny...

2009-01-15T08:43:00.005-05:00

Take a look at the screen shot from Craptastic News Network's home page this morning:

...

???

Yes.

Betting Is Open

2009-01-13T14:53:00.004-05:00

I cannot begin to describe what I feel like when I hear people taking the Mayan 2012 prophecy, and the subsequent world-flood, nuclear holocaust, 15-million-on-the-Richter scale mega-quake, tidal waves so high that airplanes have to fly around them, extinction-level-event asteroid strike, etc... set to occur at 12:00 a.m. December 21, of that year...with anything even close to or more than a grain of salt.

Not only does this topic cause unfathomable mental anguish for me, but it also physically affects me. Literally, my spines starts to compress in such a way that I imagine myself resembling Quasimodo. It's some sort of psychosomatic response that I haven't figured out.

And yet, being the addict that I am, I keep running back to the source of my pain, and I continue to watch television shows about this very subject even when I know I am going to just sit there shaking my head and grinding my teeth down to nothing more than little nubs, only good for making sure oatmeal doesn't fly out of my mouth when I try to chew.

That being said, I was watching such a show last night when I had two ideas (The second is such a complicated idea - more of a plan - that I'm sure I'm the first person to think of this ever, forever, and eternally).

Idea 1) Yeah...that super-awesome, prophetic, omniscient galactic calender worked out pretty well for the fuckin' Mayans and their highly advanced uber-civilization asses didn't it? Cause e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e is talking about how kick-ass the Mayans are these days. I can't walk down the street anymore without hearing at least one person say, "Damn, I wish I was a Mayan".

Idea 2) I am now officially taking any and all bets regarding the Mayan prophecy coming true. In fact, anytime I hear someone mention that prophecy, I am going to harangue them into a bet before I let them walk away, or get them to admit that they know it's bullshit and they are just bringing the subject up for the sake of bringing it up even though they know they have a better chance of getting murdered by a rainbow-colored, Nazi-sympathizing unicorn on the way home from work than that of "the prophecy" coming true.

This is a win-win for me (aside from the fact that I do run the risk of getting my ass kicked during the process of the aforementioned haranguing). If the prophecy comes true, my life will be over and that will be that. Even if I don't somehow die, those who survived with me and bet me that the prophecy would come true will be so busy running around wanking off all the other Nostradamus fan club members and screaming "I TOLD YOU SO, I TOLD YOU SO" that I highly doubt they remember our bet in the first place.

If the prophecy doesn't come true, and I win the bet I'll be retiring sometime around 12:01 a.m. December 22, 2012. I will be rich, son. I will use half of my winnings to set up a school that teaches people how not to be naive, gullible asshelmets.

As for those of you wishing to actually place a bet...just give me your credit card numbers and/or banking account information and I'll take care of everything myself.

AHHHHHHH! S-W-E-E-T!

2009-01-12T11:46:00.002-05:00

The Top Ten is back in action. I literally was so excited when I clicked on my DU link and saw that that I am pretty sure my reaction to the Top Ten's return will give my Turkish colleague nightmares for some time to come. He is a rather reserved individual.

Here it is.

Uh...?

2009-01-09T07:56:00.005-05:00

Why do I keep going back to the source of the pain caused me by certain "main-stream" news agencies? Oh yeah, I'm an addict.

Every morning I am reminded of this when I click the CNN bookmark and subsequently read something on the network's homepage that is so ridiculous it causes me to wonder if I've been sucked through a black hole in the middle of the night into a parallel universe where white is black and up is down. Case in point (my bolds):

Palin takes digs at Fey, Couric

Sarah Palin is credited with making Tina Fey a world-wide star and boosting Katie Couric's ratings at CBS.

Zoinks...what!? Really? Credited by who...Bizzaro Oprah? Sarah Palin made Tina Fey a world-wide star...not Fey's five Emmy awards, Golden Globe, SAG award, being the first female head-writer of SNL, 30 Rock, or all the other stuff Fey has done. No, it was all Sarah Palin, the mayor/beauty queen of Podunk Polar Bearville who nobody had ever heard of until four months ago. OH - KAY!

I would have been content to let it rest there keeping this post about CNN's staggering suckitude, without taking any direct digs at Palin herself (aside from the polar bear comment), but then I read this and one of my eye balls fell out of its socket onto the keyboard, which I interpreted to mean I should say something:

“I did see that Tina Fey was named entertainer of the year and Katie Couric’s ratings have risen," Palin said in the interview. "I know that a lot of people are capitalizing on, oh I don’t know, perhaps some exploiting that was done via me, my family, my administration — that’s a little bit perplexing, but it also says a great deal about our society.”

I could spend the rest of the day on this, but I don't have that kind of time.

Two things:

A) I don't think Sarah Palin knows what "perplexing" means. I say this because there is nothing "perplexing" about what Palin perceives as the exploitation of herself. I'm not saying that all the shots taken at Palin in the past few months have been fair, or justified, but such things are to be expected when someone is thrust into the national limelight as she was. The biggest exploitation of Palin in all of this was done by the RNC and John McCain's campaign.

B) The fact that Palin was picked to be McCain's running mate "says a great deal about our society". Nothing more than a figured head designed to try and win over disgruntled Clinton supporters, Palin's vice-Presidential candidacy was an example of the epic, EPIC failure of modern conservative thought. Blind, scare, and frenzy the populous with bright lights, loud sounds, and mythical boogeymen, while having absolutely no substantial platform whatsoever.

"Vote for us, or the terrorists will win, flags will be burnt after being worn as underwear, the gays will kidnap your babies and turn them queer, African Americans will enslave white people, Christmas and Easter will be canceled, religion in general will be outlawed, 92% of your paycheck will go to pay for condoms that are handed out in kindergarten classes - the other 8% will be turned into cash and given to homeless people to be used for starting fires in their burn barrels, you will be forced to provide housing for at least two illegal immigrants per immediate family member, and Al Franken will become a United States Senator." The horror, the horror.

Oh noes, it's already beginning.

A Question For Today

2009-01-08T11:55:00.004-05:00

Who do you think would win in a fight between Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly. To wit:

(via C&L)

It was in fact a Colossal Battle of The Spectacularly Oversized Egos. Among other things, she argued with O'Reilly over who sells the most books:

O'Reilly: Bernie Goldberg has some advice ...

[Coulter snorts derisively] (tribe's note: There's a fucking surprise...has Little Annie ever made it through an entire television appearance without doing that fingernails-on-chalkboard like snort?)

O'Reilly: ... for you. Should I, should I not go there?

Coulter: Um, my general policy is to take advice from people who sell more books than I do, not fewer books than I do.

O'Reilly: Oh. You take advice from me then.

Coulter: No! No! I said more books.

O'Reilly: Yeah, I sell more books than you do.

Coulter: No you don't.

O'Reilly: Yes I do.

Coulter: No you don't.

O'Reilly: But we don't want to get in an argument about that.

I know most of you think that I'm going to say Coulter, and there are plenty of reason to think she might have a chance. She is very lithe, probably quick on her feet. She seems to have no reservations about getting into confrontations. Admittedly, she is sort of smart (she's definitely more clever than Bill O'). She eats kittens for breakfast and puppies for lunch. She scares the shit out of Dick Cheney because she reminds him of his father, Satan. She makes babies cry. She once ate an M1A1 Abrams tank and shortly there after was able to fire depleted uranium bullets out of her ass. All in all, she's a scrapper.

However, for some reason when I was reading the transcript of their exchange last night, this image popped into my head of Bill O' dressed as a professional wrestler (bright colored spandex, face paint...the whole nine yards) giving Annie a super-atomic back breaker and raising his hands high above his head in triumph as Ann flops around on the mat like a fish out of water.

You know as well as I do he's just about dick enough to do that to someone, too.

Thanks, CNN...

2009-01-06T14:42:00.004-05:00

...I was actually starting to think that you all had turned over a new leaf. That perhaps, like the rest of the country, you had decided to get on board with this whole "change" thing.

Sadly, no. You are still dragging your rhetorical feet, kicking and screaming like a child not getting his way (which incidentally is very similar to the sound I hear every time I see a GOP figure-head on TV these days) and giving jack-holes like Jordan Lorence (that name doesn't even sound real and his picture looks even less real-er) and his buddies at the "Allied Defense Fund" a national mouthpiece from which they can literally write complete falsehoods with little or no ramifications. Case in point, today's commentary by Lorence:

"Rick Warren foes aren't practicing tolerance"

That's right. Rick "Homos are immature" Warren's foes aren't playing very nice when it comes to his delivering of the inaugural prayer (or wev! the hell Obama tapped him to do) and Jordan doesn't like it:

President-elect Barack Obama has asked Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. Not so fast, cries Kathryn Kolbert, head of People for the American Way, an organization that claims to advance equality and freedom of speech and religion (but not for Rick Warren and those who agree with his marriage views) in a piece published on CNN.com.

Yeah, cause when I think of PFAW, the first thing that comes to mind is censorship.

They want people like Warren silenced and ostracized for their "hate speech," defined today as disagreeing with their agenda to impose a redefinition of marriage on an unwilling America. Obama, to his credit, has resisted their strident demands.

The attacks on Warren are the latest in a series of coercive, intimidating attacks on supporters of traditional marriage.

I can only imagine the terrible burden of suffering Pastor Warren and his family must be going through as a result of these "coercive" and "intimidating" attacks. Thank God the conservative movement has such a willing martyr to bear the wrath of the evil homo-fascists and their allies like myself.

This is amazingly audacious, in light of the fact that on marriage, the overwhelming majority of Americans and, indeed, humanity, agrees with Warren.

What I find amazingly audacious is Jordan's complete and utter denial about the fact that he is suffering from significant brain damage caused by a lack of oxygen in his upper colon where his head has officially and permanently relocated to. I find it slightly less amazingly audacious that Jordan could be so wrong about something when he says that an overwhelming majority of Americans are opposed to gay marriage.

F-A-I-L!!!

It's true that while not all Americans support the idea of two gay people being technically "married", when the number of Americans supporting gay marriage is combined with the number of Americans in favor of same-sex unions, the situation would seem that an overwhelming majority of Americans are not opposed to government recognition of same-sex relationships. Rick Warren is not in this majority. That is the problem.

I do however find it slightly more amazingly audacious that Rick Warren has been handpicked by Jordan to be the voice of the "majority of humanity".

Modern conservative's sense of America's moral superiority and their associated hubris never ceases to amaze me. Jordan is apparently implying that Rick Warren not only speaks for the majority of Americans, which if you checked the link you saw that he doesn't even do that, but that Warren also speaks for the rest of the world as well.

He may well be right. I'm sure the first thing on the minds of most Palestinians in Gaza right now is whether or not Hamas will follow Calfornia's lead in banning gay marriage so Yasser and his new boyfriend aren't allowed to strut around the neighborhood like there hot shit when they get married.

And I've been reading stories about people in Guatemala taking periodic breaks while digging out from under the recent landslide to discuss opinions on whether or not Jose and Juan should be able to officially tie the knot, or if they should be treated like second class citizens and only allowed to engage in a "civil union".

I was going to keep going with that, but I think you can get my point and if you can't you shouldn't even be reading this in the first place.

Jordan, let me try to make this as simple as possible for you:

When you say or write things like: "This is amazingly audacious, in light of the fact that on marriage, the overwhelming majority of Americans and, indeed, humanity, agrees with Warren.", you sound ignorant and stupid. You are wrong about the "most Americans" thing, and the rest of the "majority" of humanity could give two shits about the laws governing same-sex marriage when just surviving on a daily basis is more of a struggle for them than you've ever been faced with in your entire life.

Just for today, I'm naming Jordan Lorence the new "Duke of Douche-istan". Douche-istan awards are usually only handed out once a month but Jordan is a special kind of giant douche, who merits his own award sub-category.

As for CNN...I imagine they are going to keep doing what they do, which is first and foremost totally and sucktastically suck eggs, and from time to time they will give the right wingnut-o-sphere a few more monkey balls for their "liberal media" cannon by running a story that could be construed as having a left leaning bias.

And I'll just sit here taking it one day at a time, keeping my fingers crossed that the right-wing continues to churn out caricatures of caricatures of great conservative leaders of days long since past. These are the kinds of things that really make my day.

Bleh...

2009-01-05T09:11:00.004-05:00

I have a case of the Mondays, and now I'm going to have to kick my own ass for saying "I have a case of the Mondays". I've been out of the office for almost two weeks, and I don't really feel like I got anything accomplished other than staying clean, which is probably accomplishment enough for today.

When I first thought about the prospect of having two weeks off with nothing to do, I was really worried about idle time. Today, looking back as well as ahead I wish I had one more day to lay around and do nothing. Oh well. So it goes I guess.

I've also been humbled by being given a chance to write about my opinions for another blog that is wholly unrelated to the topics I usually blather about here. Also, because of the nature of the topics discussed on that website, I don't think I will link to it or anything I write there very often for the time being or possibly never (And vice-versa even though I may feel a really strong urge to do so because of my egomania.)

I've come to believe that mixing the two topics is a bit like mixing bleach and ammonia - you get a highly volatile substance, which generally ends up hurting everyone who comes in contact with it.

As such, posting may be sporadic for awhile as I try to figure out the periodicity with which I'm going to post at the other site. (Ironically, the last time I said posting will be light here, I posted seven times in about eighteen hours.)

I hope everyone had a great holiday season and I wish you all prosperity and serenity for the upcoming year. Remember not to take yourself too seriously and give yourself a break from time to time.

By the way, only 15 days left!

I'd be a liar if I didn't admit to being slightly aroused by that.

They're SOOOO! Classy

2008-12-22T10:56:00.014-05:00

I'm really, really gonna miss this band of raving psychopaths currently inhabiting the Executive Branch. Not so much for their extraordinary leadership in times of adversity and hardship, but for moments like this one in which they have displayed such über-classiness indicative of what we've come to expect from world leaders.

And what does Mr. Dick "Go-Fuck-Yourself" Cheney have to say about that incident four years later (via CNN):

Cheney: Senator deserved the f-word

Vice President Dick Cheney said Sunday that Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-Vermont, deserved it when Cheney launched the f-word at him in 2004.

In an interview with "Fox News Sunday," Cheney was asked if he had any second thoughts or embarrassment. "No. I thought he merited it at the time," Cheney said, laughing.

Hahahahaha! He's right...it's H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S to tell a person to "go fuck" himself in the chamber of the United States Senate.

I don't think words alone were enough, however. He should have given Leahy a wet-willie followed up by a super-atomic wedgie. (That's the one where you're forced to eat your undies at the end.) That would have really showed Pat just who the hell he decided to accuse of not playing fairly when he brought up the no-bid contracts awarded to Halliburton in Iraq to the company's former CEO who just now happens to be the Vice President of the United States and President of the Senate.

Class. Grace. Elegance. These words by themselves are not enough to describe the character of the current administration. We must come up with a new word. One that captures the all-encompassing awesomeness of the Bush/Cheney duo.

"Clasgracequence^{© TM}". Yes, that is it. As a sort of an end of the year wrap up/tribute to the outgoing administration, let's take a look at some more displays of Bush/Cheney clasgracequence:

"Just a one-finger victory salute." Ha! Awesome!

Gnarly! He said shit to the Prime Minister of Great Britain.

So he's massaging the Chancellor of Germany. Big deal.

So!?

A little drinky drink before this interview, eh?

I'd be crying too.

Gettin' jiggy with the Librarians...I mean Liberians.

"What do you think would happen if I shot an 80-year old man in the face with this thing?"

This is what would happen: "I'm sorry my face got in the way of the Vice-President's shotgun blast."

Tricky sons-a-bitches those Segways are.

Dick is getting angry...I'd better get the frick outta here.

"C-ya, fucker...Don't come back!"

"That Dick is such a character!"

Yep. I'm gonna miss 'em.

Confession

2008-12-20T07:16:00.002-05:00

There has been a dearth of posting the last few days. I could blame the weather, my schedule, or come up with something really exotic as to why there have been so few posts. The real reason:

The iPhone.

Yes, I now own one and the addict in me is running wild. So much so that I'm typing this post with the device right now. I can't put this thing down - well, I can put it down to sleep but that's about it.

I feel like I've been given the launch codes. No one person should be able to wield this much power in the palm of his hand. It's only been with proper daily maintainance that I can manage to not abuse this newly bestowed resbonsibility.

I'm not copping out behind the iPhone as an excuse. I am the reason there has been the lack of activity; however, this device is not doing much In the way of remedying that. I will try to get better.

In the meantime, think about this: there are still people out there who can't view HTML with their cell phones!

Digital pedestrians.

More Good News

2008-12-17T09:52:00.003-05:00

(via CNN)

Ice melting across globe at accelerating rate, NASA says

Please Maude, whatever you do don't say this is related to "G-W".

Between 1.5 trillion and 2 trillion tons of ice in Greenland, Antarctica and Alaska have melted at an accelerating rate since 2003, according to NASA scientists, in the latest signs of what they say is global warming.

D'oh! Dammit! Well, that automatically turns off the ears of the thirty percent of the country that still watches Faux News and listens to Rush Limbaugh.

Might as well keep going now that the damage has already been done...

Using new satellite technology that measures changes in mass in mountain glaciers and ice sheets, NASA geophysicist Scott Luthcke concluded that the losses amounted to enough water to fill the Chesapeake Bay 21 times.

Say what!?

Twenty-one times! Wow.

"The ice tells us in a very real way how the climate is changing," said Luthcke, who will present his findings this week at the American Geophysical Union conference in San Francisco(2), California(3).

Strikes two and three for any GW deniers still reading. The guy might as well announce his findings on stage at a Phish concert with a blunt hanging out of his mouth and dreadlocks in his hair.

Next on Drudge Report:

2008-12-17T09:45:00.002-05:00

"Ultra-liberal, elitist periodical selects Islamocommunofascistohomo-flag-pisser-on-er as their person of the year."

Is this dude for real?

2008-12-16T13:29:00.002-05:00

Here's what I imagine a conversation between myself and this guy would read like:

This fuckin' guy rambling about hammerhead head sharks and obtuse fishes and deers that haven't quite evolved to outflank fish hooks and automobiles quick enough for this fuckin' guy. I come in and say that I think evolution is the correct theory as to how life came about on this planet.

This fuckin' guy - "You're a first generation atheist."

Me - "Ummm. I don't know what that means."

This fuckin' guy - "Are you saying that your mother's a stupid retard? Are you saying your grandfather is an asshole?"

Me - "No, you must not have heard me correctly. I'm saying YOU are a stupid, retarded asshole."

This fuckin' guy - "Is that what you think of your parents and grandparents and your brothers and sisters?"

Me - "Nope. That's what I think of you."

This fuckin' guy - "Is that what you think of your family?"

Me - "NO! That is what I think of you, dammit!!"

This fuckin' guy - "Oh...you only mean the people you're talkin' to on YouTube. They're effin' idiots - they're morons."

Me - "Precisely. Well, you're the idiot AND the moron."

This fuckin' guy - "You hate your own families."

Me - "Wait, what? No I don't."

This fuckin' guy - "You think you're better than your father, you're better than your mother."

Me - "Actually, what's I know is that I'm better than your mother because yo' mama so stupid she makes Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner."

Oh...snap! I win.

I will always defeat ignorance with a "your mama" joke.

Sadly, no! He is entitled to his opinion just like I'm entitled to mine.

The thing that bothers me most about all of this is that after watching this clip for the third time, I actually was able to determine how he is making a connection between someone calling him a "retard" on YouTube and his assertion that I "hate my families".

I think I'll take a break now.

Shoez...

2008-12-16T10:25:00.002-05:00

The shoe throwing fiasco (incidentally, I still think it's funnier than a pay toilet in a diarrhea ward.) has apparently become quite an unifying impetus for the people of Iraq.

Iraqis urge government to free shoe-thrower

Hundreds of students at Diyala University in Baquba carried banners demanding the release of Muntadhar al-Zaidi -- described by demonstrators as an "honorable Iraqi."

Smaller protests emerged in the Anbar province city of Falluja and in two Baghdad locations -- Baghdad University in the northern part of the city and western Baghdad's Ameriya district. In those events, students also took to the streets.

Turns out he's a "uniter not a divider" after all. Hehehehe!

Damn Near...

2008-12-15T11:29:00.004-05:00

...the dumbest argument in favor of Intelligent Design ever made...evah!

(via SadlyNo!)

A few problems with Lizzie's thought process:

1) Namely, you thought, Elizabeth. Don't do that!

2) I don't think that we can adequately compare the awesomeness of a shoe designer to something as denuded and simplistic as the entirety of Creation as you define It - regardless of the who the designer is and or was.

3) The grotesqueness of your attire in that clip automatically negates any valid points you may have made. Honestly, did you wake up that morning and say, "Hey, I think I'll personify a pack of watermelon bubble gum today."?

WTF? is going on in this picture?

2008-12-15T09:04:00.004-05:00

(via CNN)

Please, write your own captions...

C'mon. Give pappy a little smoochie, baby.

ZOMG!!!11!1! ROFLMAO

2008-12-15T08:58:00.004-05:00

This is farkin' hilarious. Thanks to that reporter for starting my week off on a positive splendid note.

UPDATE: It's been pointed out to me, and I'm inclined to agree, that this was in reality a pretty awful thing. The man IS still the President of the United States, and thusly should garner some respect. Also, it did take the Secret Service a really long time to respond and surround the president.

All of this notwithstanding, I still think it's funny as hell. Who throws a shoe? Honestly.

Friday Awesome!

2008-12-12T10:57:00.003-05:00

While doing the tedious research required for that last post I came across these two "abstinence-only" websites, which I would be remiss not to link to:

Sex is for Fags!

Iron Hymen^*

More proof that abstinence-only education is the only way to go. Just check out these testimonials:

Muffy P.: "OHMIGOD, like, Iron Hymen taught me to respect myself way too much to ever let some hairy creep hock man-lugies on my Godly cervix like it's some gross subway platform!"

Zach P.: "Premarital sex isn't worth it! You can catch AIDS, or cancer, or testicle weevils, or a bad body image or rickets. You know what IS worth it? Making love to Jesus. Because you can't knock Him up and He'll never ask what you're thinking – cuz He already knows!"

I wish I head a resource like this when I was growing up...testicle weevils are a real pain in the ass to get rid of.

^*I'm pretty sure these two sites are brought to us by the maintainers of www dot whitehouse dot org

Forgive me...

2008-12-12T09:33:00.003-05:00

...for having a hard time believing that Bush is twenty-two years into his sobriety.

Bush opens up on struggle with alcohol abuse

What about the cocaine abuse? We'll talk about that later I guess. He didn't inhale anyway.

What say you about all this CNN:

President Bush reflected on his own struggle with alcohol in a White House meeting Thursday that touted gains in the war on drug abuse.

First, the "war on drugs" is a fucking joke, nothing more than a scapegoat, another way to divert federal income tax funds to programs that don't work. You want to win the war on drugs - legalize them all, and tax the hell out of them. Cigarettes are just as dangerous to a person's health, and in terms of dependency, nicotine is worse than heroine. Yet, I've never heard of cigarette-related violence. What about caffeine? Have you ever robbed anyone so you could go out and get another hit of coffee?

Trust me on this: An addict is an addict is an addict. It doesn't matter if you get your drugs legally or illegally. If you are an addict, you are going to get your fix no matter what the cost, and until you realize that you need help and get really honest with yourself, you will continue to live in the grips of your disease. Okay, enough preaching - back to Crusted News for more Bush ~~fallacy~~ legacy talk (my bold):

CNN was the only media outlet invited to attend the entire meeting, which other reporters joined in the final minutes for remarks from the president.

Ted Turner has a boner!

Several in the room, including Don Coyhis of Colorado Springs, Colorado, who runs a program targeting Native Americans battling substance abuse, were recovered addicts or alcoholics.

Bush, who quit drinking at the age of 40, was impressed.

"Congratulations on 30 years of sobriety," the president told Coyhis. "I'm eight years behind you."

Are you sure about that twenty-two years, Georgie?

The president told the group of 14 -- all leaders in drug prevention, treatment and interdiction programs across the country -- that a new study shows teen drug abuse has dropped 25 percent since he took office in 2001.

Yeah, just like studies show that abstinence only programs work, and are far superior to comprehensive sex education. I just conducted a study in the last five minutes that shows that I have the biggest penis of anyone in my office. I'm the only person in my office.

Just thinking about the ridiculousness of this whole thing has got me feeling some sort of way, and I know I don't have enough clean time to properly take my own personal inventory let alone Bush's (although I really want to). I'm going to turn it over to Jane to wrap up this whole thing about Bush and what we club members refer to as a "dry drunk":

There are many reasons why people in power live in denial and create dream worlds for themselves. But the personality characteristics George Bush is evincing are typical of people with untreated alcoholism, or as we in the club call it, being a "dry drunk."

In the parlance of alcoholism, a "dry drunk" is someone who "white knuckles" it, or stops drinking on their own but does not get any kind of treatment or participate in any type of program that will repair the damage from those "wild days in N'Owleans." It has all the wisdom of treating yourself for cancer. Going "cold turkey" may work well for people who are simply heavy partiers and are not actually alcoholics or drug addicts, and there are many such people.

But for many reasons, I don't happen to think George Bush is one of them.

Dry drunks are choking on rage, usually barely able to constrain it, and given to flashes of incredible temper -- as George Bush reputedly is. One of those reasons may be purely physical, in that people who abuse drugs and alcohol for long periods of time usually thrash their livers, which Chinese medicine believes to be the seat of anger.

But the other, more pervasive problem is a tendency to take things extremely personally and always interpret negative news as a personal attack. Alcoholics and drug addicts seem to stop growing emotionally when they begin heavy substance abuse. Instead of living through tough emotional situations and growing as a result of them, addicts go "around" them, afraid of their own feelings, attempting to manipulate and control them with chemicals. Although the intellect may continue to grow, the emotions do not.

Thus, conventional wisdom has it that when someone gets sober, they are dealing with the emotional maturity of someone the age they were when they started drinking and using, which in Texas in the 50s probably happened no later than Bush's teenage years. But emotional growth only commences when the alcoholic begins to take responsibility for his or her actions and seeks treatment, and there is no indication George Bush has ever done either.

Otherwise, they are just consumed with a storm of emotions they have neither the life training to process nor the tools to develop such, and on top of it all they can no longer medicate themselves into passivity. They will attempt to control "reality" in much the same way they attempted to control their feelings, with an urge to dominate and manipulate in order to shut out the ugly noise of life.

In other words, at this critical juncture in history, we're probably dealing with a really fucked-up fourteen year-old in the White House.

See YouTube clip above.

It'll be okay...

2008-12-11T08:02:00.003-05:00

Wow. I'm genuinely excited about Obama's pick for Secretary of Energy, Steven Chu. So this is what reason and logic, as opposed to nepotism and cronyism, produce - qualified people filling important cabinet positions rather than unqualified religious zealots and neo-conservative ideologues.

Some unnamed^* Democratic politicians are expressing concern over Chu's lack of political experience:

Chu won the 1997 Nobel Prize in physics and is highly respected in energy circles. But some Democrats have privately expressed concern that Chu has no political experience as he takes on the monumental task of passing a landmark energy reform bill early next year.

The guy runs a national laboratory. Trust me, as a scientist-in-training I can guarantee this guy has plenty of experience in politics - just not the kind of morality-flushing ball sucking most of these politicos have reduced themselves to. Like every other facet of the American way, science at the level we are talking about here is a bureaucratic nightmare. I deal with it everyday.

Also, considering he won the Nobel Prize we might infer that he's a pretty decent learner. I'm sure he'll pick up the things he doesn't know soon enough.

^*SIDEBAR: WTF? with all the unnamed sources getting quoted by major news outlets anymore? "Some Democrats have 'privately' expressed concern..." This trend of using anonymous sources is becoming disconcerting. Obviously, there is no way to validate quotes made by nameless persons, and this consequently opens up the avenue of possibility that journalists might be interjecting their own personal opinions into "News Stories" hidden behind a mask of anonymity. Just a thought.

Chuck Todd is also a moran

2008-12-10T10:23:00.002-05:00

(via Bob Cesca's GADB)

NORAH O'DONNELL: Can Obama avoid being tainted by all of this?

CHUCK TODD: It depends on your definition of taint.

Let's go to the dictionary, the urban dictionary that is:

1. taint

The area between the nutsack and asshole that prevent a man from shitting on his nuts. See durf.

If it wasn't for the taint, my nuts would reek of poo!

^*rimshot^*

I am ON IT today!

You Sir, are a jackass!

2008-12-10T09:38:00.005-05:00

Hubris-much? Me thinkest it's true! I just have one thing to say to the soon-to-be-former DEMOCRATIC Governor of Illinois:

I crack myself up.

(It took way too long to edit the "s" out of the original "Get a brain, Morans" picture. Wow do I suck at photoshopping.)

cough...Bullshit...

2008-12-09T08:12:00.004-05:00

I'm throwing the horseshit flag on this one:

Palin didn't snub Oprah, spokesman says

She damn sure better not have...no one snubs The Oprah. If The Oprah tells you to give her your first born child, you hand that little bastard over. If the Oprah is in a steel cage death match with a grizzly, you'd better jump in and help the grizzly! (I stole that last one from some comedian whose name I don't remember - Hey, I'm being honest.)

Sarah Palin's camp is denying claims she's is snubbing talk show host Oprah Winfrey, telling CNN Monday the decision was "nothing personal" — the Alaska governor has just been flooded with so many media requests she simply hasn't had the time to sit down with the daytime talk show icon.

“The governor was invited to appear. She was also invited to appear on Letterman, Leno, Stephanopoulos, The Daily Show. She passed on a vast majority of these requests," Bill McAllister, Palin's communications director and press secretary.

I wonder why she passed on The Daily Show and Letterman?

Yeah, she doesn't have the "time". There's a lot to do in Alaska this time of year. I mean, c'mon. The sun hasn't permanently set for the winter yet in like...one-third of the state.

Time for the penalty marker to be thrown:

"We’re up to about 250 requests for interviews and appearances and so on. It’s worldwide, there’s still a tremendous amount of interest. It’s nothing personal about Oprah, it’s just that she turned down the vast majority of these requests."

Bullshit.

More funny....

2008-12-08T12:28:00.002-05:00

I don't know that I stopped laughing for more than three consecutive seconds while watching this clip.

TBogg makes teh funny good...

2008-12-08T09:18:00.002-05:00

Hehe...

Eight teams with 6-6 records are going to bowl games filling up ESPN's dance card through December.

Yes. Even Notre Dame got a bowl bid where they will probably play a team made up of twelve year-old blind girls. I predict that Notre Dame, after finally scoring with five minutes left before the half, will show no mercy and will mercifully break their nine game bowl losing streak.

Charlie Weiss will then get a five year extension.

I believe it was Mr. TBogg who recently suggested that we stop fucking pretending that Notre Dame is even relevant in college football anymore. I agree.

I'm skeptical

2008-12-08T08:30:00.003-05:00

I'm cynical. I've always been cynical. So please forgive me when I say I'll need to see it to believe it:

Blackwater guards 'to surrender'

Yes. "To surrender" - the quotes seem appropriate.

Five employees of the US security firm Blackwater charged over the 2007 fatal shooting of 17 Iraqis will surrender to US federal authorities, reports say.

Of course, what they are charged with remains unclear, and, according to the BBC, they are going to "surrender" in Utah - one of the most conservative and pro-gun states in the nation. These men are going to argue that their case should be tried in Utah as a result of this move rather than in Washington D.C. where the federal charges were filed. I have a serious problem with these men being charged in an American court for alleged crimes that were committed in a foreign country. I say "alleged" because one of the guard's lawyer had this to say about his client:

"Donald Ball committed no crime," said his lawyer, Steven McCool. "We are confident that any jury will see this for what it is: a politically motivated prosecution to appease the Iraqi government."

I guess the killing of 17 people, including women and children, isn't a crime - especially since the 17 people were Iraqis.

I've been trying to come up with a hypothetical analogy for something like this happening in the United States.

I can't. I had several ideas, but this is so out of the realm of anything we experience in this country that I don't even feel comfortable making the comparison. The murder of seventeen innocent civilians, and the subsequent claim that the alleged perpetrators "committed no crime" - it's unimaginable.

This situation is a perfect example of why the majority of the planet hates the United States - American Exceptionalism. This notion of holding other nations/peoples to a perceived or manifested set of fallacious standards while practicing the polar opposite of these principles. Do as we say not as we do.

So again, forgive me for being skeptical when I say that I seriously doubt anything will stem from these charges.

This is a joke, right?

2008-12-04T14:45:00.002-05:00

(via Think Progress)

Earlier this week, Pastor Rick Warren presented President Bush with the first International Medal of PEACE from the Global PEACE Coalition...

Sadly, no! Fear not doubters of faith - even though we're talking about the "International Medal of PEACE" this award isn't about peace at all. Sillies.

COLMES: But to give a peace award to a guy who started two wars…neither of which are completed yet. […]

WARREN: Well, the Peace Award was not about peace in domestic — or foreign policy.

Oh, well. Okay. That makes sense - the PEACE award isn't about peace at all.

*Bashing head off desk...back in a sec*

In case the name "Rick Warren" sounds familiar, it should. That's Smitty's boss, y'all!

Confusion

2008-12-04T09:41:00.002-05:00

I've been hugely critical of Campbell Brown over the past few weeks, and in my opinion justifiably so. However, she is spot on with this commentary about the current "bailout" plans. This part of her article struck me as particularly unsurprising; although, I can see how some of my more naive countrymen and women may be a bit perplexed.

I got an e-mail from someone down in Louisiana on Wednesday who was pretty fired up about a story he read in his local paper about a local bank.

IBERIABANK is apparently requesting $90 million in federal bailout money -- and getting it.

$90 million.

But here's what might surprise you: IBERIABANK is not in trouble.

Bank officials say they are having no financial stress. In fact, just the opposite.

The bank managed to avoid the whole mortgage mess, and, today, is in great financial shape.

So what they are doing is using the $90 million in bailout money to grow their business. They are buying up other smaller banks.

Of course the bank's officials have a perfectly nonsensical explanation as to why this is good for taxpayers: If the big banks buy the little banks, which are in trouble because of shitty mortgage practices, then the little banks get to stay in business, et voila - the taxpayers benefit.?

I don't get it either. It's not as if the small banks troubles will disappear as soon as they are absorbed by their larger counterparts. Tax payers do not benefit when a bank does well - unless the tax payers happen to own stock in that particular bank.

So far, the Treasury Department headed by Hank Paulson has not given any indication in the least as to what the plan is for the $700 billion bailout package. And if I'm to understand this whole thing correctly, I must accept the fact that because the government says this type of corporate socialism (and one would have a hard fucking time convincing me that this isn't socialism at its ugliest) is good, then it is beneficial for everyone on the sole grounds that the government says so.

This is ironic - the same people who cry about President-elect Obama being too far left and socialistic are more than likely the same dolts who actually believe that they will somehow come out of this crisis on the other end better of than they are now. Why? Because the government says so. They support this $700 billion bailout yet shit in their cereal when someone suggests using $37 billion in federal tax income to support a program like SCHIPS, which I might add would probably ensure that their children have proper health care.

If it wasn't so fucked up and tragic, it'd be hilarious.

Something Fun...

2008-12-03T08:57:00.002-05:00

That last post was a little heavy and left me feeling some sort of way. So I figured I'd post this literal version of "Under The Bridge" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

(found via Bob Cesca's GDAB)

Squalid

2008-12-03T08:05:00.003-05:00

Yep...squalid. Why? Because I'm running out of words to describe the shit-sandwich clusterfuck that some like to call the Iraq war. This story from McClatchy is just another example of the absolute dearth of humanity exhibited by companies whose biggest champions just happen to be running our country (into the ground) at the moment.

BAGHDAD — About 1,000 Asian men who were hired by a Kuwaiti subcontractor to the U.S. military have been confined for as long as three months in windowless warehouses near the Baghdad airport without money or a place to work.

Najlaa International Catering Services, a subcontractor to KBR, an engineering, construction and services company, hired the men, who're from India, Nepal, Sri Lanka and Bangladesh. On Tuesday, they staged a march outside their compound to protest their living conditions.

Hmmm. KBR. I'll be dipped in shit. Is there anything that company is involved in that doesn't weigh in on the ethics scale between criminally negligent and morally depraved?

Some of the men who've been living in the warehouses said that KBR representatives visited the site two weeks ago. They said Najlaa held their passports until the KBR inspection, which Najlaa officials denied. Seizing passports is a violation of the U.S. military's 2006 instructions to contractors.

I would hope that human-trafficking is also a violation of military instructions, but at this point I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't. Honestly. I wouldn't.

KBR didn't answer direct questions about the warehouses (no kidding?) but issued a two-paragraph statement. "When KBR becomes aware of potential violations of international laws regarding trafficking in persons, we work, within our authority, to remediate the problem and report the matter to proper authorities. KBR then works with authorities to rectify the matter," it said.

I feel much better knowing that the company responsible for nearly every civil project catastrophe in Iraq is working with authorities "to rectify the matter".

This next one is rich:

While the main complaint in the warehouses centered on living in what many considered prison-like conditions, Najlaa officials said it was crucial to keep the men in the compound to prevent kidnappings or other dangers. "We're in Iraq; it's a war zone," said Isha Rufaie, a Najlaa logistics manager who tried to calm the protest Tuesday.

And how does that justify your company practically enslaving these men in prison-like compounds? Just because it's a fucking war zone doesn't mean that you get to treat your human cargo like herd animals. Unbelievably, it gets worse:

A group of about 50 men living in tents about a mile away were even worse off than the men in the warehouses, and they appeared to be victims of human trafficking. They live in huts they built with tarps and pieces of carpet, and said they had no access to food or water.

The property is under the control of the Iraq Civil Aviation Administration, which couldn't be reached for comment Tuesday.

I'm guessing it would be tough to get in touch with an organization that has absolutely no reason to exist. The "Iraq Civil Aviation Administration", really? I didn't realize that things had gotten so good in Iraq that there needs to be an equivalent of the FAA there.

These men apparently didn't arrive in Iraq with contracts promising them work, but instead had relied on agents who were supposed to place them in jobs. The men in the tent camp, who're from the same countries as those in the warehouses, said they paid close to $5,000 to the agents.

"We came to make a good salary and go home, but we're not lucky," said Ganesh Kumar Bhagat, 22, a Nepalese man who sleeps with four others in a tent along the main airport road.

He hasn't told his family that his plans did not succeed in Iraq, instead assuring them that he lives and works safely on an American base.

Bhagat and others at the camp gave a McClatchy reporter phone numbers for the agents who led them to Iraq. Some numbers had been disconnected. In other cases, people quickly hung up.

The surge worked! Everything is roses now. I life was fair, all the architects of this debacle would be put on a desert island somewhere and forced to fend for themselves for the amusement of all the people that they have un-remorsefully shit on during the past six years. It would be very Survivor-esque, but with many, many more obese, rich white guys.

Secretary of Commerce?

2008-12-03T07:50:00.004-05:00

Image via CNN (The most ~~crusted~~ trusted name in news.)

Didn't that guy used to host "The Family Feud" and co-star in a TV show with Tim Allen? I would have never thought of nominating a former game show host for a cabinet position, but then I'm not Barack Obama either. I see he's going to keep us on our toes.

Oh, boy...I crack myself up. Seriously though, I'm glad to see Obama give a nod to Richardson, but in all honesty I think he'd be much better suited for Secretary of State or Homeland Security. I'm not implying that Hillary Clinton isn't qualified for State, I'm saying I think Richardson should be more in the national security loop than at Commerce. My two cents.

Teh Awesome!

2008-12-02T10:17:00.004-05:00

This is what I saw last night on my way to an H&I meeting in a neighboring town last night:

Image courtesy Scott Hurst

That's Venus, the Moon, and Jupiter in conjunction - a pretty rare event and one that I'm glad I got to see.

It's sort of strange how these things happen for me: Had I known beforehand that this alignment would be taking place, I can all but guarantee that I would have missed it. Either because of my own stupidity or some other factor outside of my control. However, not knowing what I was looking at at the time I witnessed the conjuncture, makes the moment seem all the more amazing now that I know what was going on. As I said before, I had no idea what the hell I was looking at, but I had a pretty awesome feeling that it was something special.

On a more philosophical note: I guess each situation is as "special" as each of us makes it.

I'm feeling sadistic again...

2008-12-01T10:57:00.003-05:00

I'm going to do the spiritual thing and warn you now not want to watch the videos I've posted below.

(via the General)

If you've ignored my advice and decided to watch, consider taking heed at this point - it's get's worse...much worse.

Oh noes! Russia made it's move on the Ukraine? What? Why? Where the hell is that part of The Bible? And which book and chapter talks about "The Day of The Nukes"?

This is getting weird.

I didn't realize that was Sarah Palin in these videos until that last clip. I'm glad she found work.

I can see why the holy rollers get really freaked out about the rapture. I don't even believe in that stuff and those videos have me feeling a tad schizo at the moment.

UPDATE: I feel better now...

Smitty showed me how to do the "Burning Bush" and "Make my booty drop like the walls of Jericho".

I really am sorry. That was...just awful.

OMG!!!!111!!1!

2008-12-01T09:29:00.003-05:00

This guy just won't stop with the ridiculous quotes...it's farkin' awesome:

"I would advise politicians, however, to be careful about faith in the public arena," Bush said. "In other words, politicians should not be judgmental people based upon their faith. They should recognize, at least I have recognized, I am a lowly sinner seeking redemption, and therefore have been very careful about saying (accept) my faith or you're bad."

- G. W. Bush

Just...Unbelievably absurd, considering he also said...

"I believe that God wants me to be president."

"We need common-sense judges who understand our rights were derived from God."

"God told me to strike at al Qaida and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East."

Yeeeaaahhh! I'm laughing too. Man, I'm gonna miss that dude.

Yep. Pt. II

2008-12-01T09:15:00.001-05:00

I don't even remember what part one was, but Bush finally acknowledges what we've all been saying for the past six years...

Spanks, Sarah

2008-11-26T11:19:00.001-05:00

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Don't F*ck w/ Rahm

2008-11-25T12:18:00.002-05:00

Horseshit

2008-11-25T11:19:00.002-05:00

I have to agree with Ed on this one.

Complaints have led to removal of an atheist group's "Imagine No Religion" billboard in Rancho Cucamonga.

The General Outdoor sign company took down the Freedom From Religion Foundation billboard on Thursday after the city asked if there was a way to get it removed. Redevelopment director Linda Daniels says they got 90 complaints.

Despite the fact that there actually exists a place called "Rancho Cucamonga" (WTF?) in which real people actually live, there is no way in hell this billboard would have been removed had it displayed a Christianity-oriented message. What is so offensive about the phrase "Imagine No Religion" anyway? A lawsuit is most definitely in order as the decision to remove the sign is a clear First Amendment violation. The fact that it took only 90 complaints to get the signed removed seems like pretty weak sauce as well.

Painfully funny...

2008-11-25T10:28:00.001-05:00

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

The Daily Show's Best Sarah Palin Moments

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

She's such a super lady.

Delusional

2008-11-24T12:57:00.002-05:00

By way of SadlyNo! comes this intolerably delusional article from Jules Crittenden advising Obama to give thanks to Bush for leaving things in such a splendid state of affairs.

If you don't feel like reading something that is likely to make you laugh hysterically and then gouge your own eyes out when you realize the author isn't kidding, then I suggest just reading the sentence below and believe me when I say that is how Crittenden ended this really, really serious article:

For all of this, Barack Obama owes George W. Bush a tremendous debt of gratitude.

This is a going to be a little raw, but that is like saying that Jewish people owe the Nazis a tremendous debt of gratitude for not killing all of them.

Teh Funny

2008-11-24T11:32:00.002-05:00

Bob Cesca swears he's seen "that turkey guy" from the Palin interview before and has now produced photographic evidence to prove he was right. Check it out!

Blub Reading

2008-11-24T10:35:00.004-05:00

I'm feeling sort of blubbish today, and don't really feel like writing all that much at the moment, so here are some recommended reading articles:

- Russian Naval Flotilla exercising with Venezuela

That's good news. It's been what...over forty-five years since the Cuban Missle Crisis? Why not let another Western Hemisphere nation start palling around with our former Cold War enemies?

I thought this next one was a joke a first:

- Bush should act to stop crisis

Uh? How 'bout no. Bush is the personification of crisis. Nearly everything that walking calamity does results in a crisis in one form or another. Also, this commentary reads as if it was written by a high school sophomore.

I'm done for now. I reserve the right to update this post as I see fit. Like right now...

(via FDL:)

- Obama skips church, heads to gym

That doesn't really seem like news to me. Um, the guy is a Muslim. Now that he's managed to win the hearts and minds of the common folk, he can finally stop putting up the facade of being Christian like he's been doing by attending the same Christian church for the past twenty odd years. He's not even really going to the gym. He's secretly dining on his usual Sunday brunch of hummus and falafel, typical of most newly elected Muslim leaders. In that vein, it's not even really fair for Halperin, Martin, and Lee to be comparing Obama to his Christian predecessors. Obama has got to pray like five times a day, for gosh sakes.

Oi!

Why is CNN giving this clown air time?

2008-11-21T12:17:00.002-05:00

Who the fuck is Mark Holick, and why in the hell is Rick Sanchez debating him? Who gives a shit what this Podunk pastor has to say and his conjectures about Obama.

Anyone can claim anything about anyone, but that doesn't mean they need to be brought to attention by the national media. Look:

I think Mark Holick secretly masturbates to the pictures on Tarot cards while giving his praises to the Almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster. It clearly says in Exodus 20:3 that you should not worship the FSM but only the one true God; therefore, Mark Holick is automatically a fascist homosexual.

Tell CNN I'm open for the rest of the afternoon, but after that they're going to have to check with my secretary.

On a more serious note: What purpose would CNN have for running this shite other than to try a milk the whole "Obama is a secret Muslim" meme one more time?

Just fuck off and die already, MSM - you're relevance is coming to an end! (That might have been a little harsh.)

It's a tough choice...

2008-11-20T13:59:00.004-05:00

...as to which religion I'm ultimately planning on settling with. This lady sounds interesting (via Ed Brayton):

The Divine Queen Mariette

A little background biographical information for those of you who aren't currently worshiping a Vietnamese immigrant/Divinely Mandated Super Supreme Being:

On January 2, 1947, the fully human natural body of the Divine Queen Mariette was born in the world, from a woman in a village located in Nam-Dinh, North Vietnam. This was shortly before the war between North and South Vietnam began. This war divided Vietnam into two governments, and she followed her beloved natural parents to South Vietnam.

The Divine Queen Mariette as fully human survived the war between North and South Vietnam which had become the American-Vietnam war. On April 28, 1975, the fully Divine Queen Mariette's natural family left Vietnam to go to the United States. She and her immediately family arrived Camp Pendleton State of California in middle May 1975.

I dare not question her qualifications for being the One on Earth at this point, lest I be struck down by the Queen herself. We do have something in common: I like traveling with my "immediately" family too. That means I'm next in line if she decides she doesn't want the job anymore. Moving on.

Let's see what the Lambette has to say about evolution (this is good):

God created the sea's living creatures from dirt, either from the bottom of the sea or from loose dirt from the ground. God then created living creatures, various kinds of birds that reside on the ground or on tree branches. The living creatures residing underground and on the ground were the last of three phrases (?) of God's creation of living creatures of all kinds. Until these days, dirt was still being used as the natural substance for God to create insects.

Uh???????????????????????????????????

This is a joke right?

Sadly, no. It's gets worse/funnier:

The Bible recorded that human natural bodies were created after animals, because human natural bodies went through a transformation process.

The Bible recorded? The Bible has awesome penmanship, and it's not too shabby a typist either.

Living creatures reside and crawl on the ground or fly in the airspace. God placed living creatures' souls to mingle with soft dirt. The spirits of these souls grew their natural bodies to a round long shape--worms. During the process of growing body parts, the supernatural power from the living creatures' souls were formed and nourished. Dirt was the natural substance for worms' souls' supernatural power during the process of God's creation of worms.

I'm still not wholly convinced that this isn't some kind of joke. That last paragraph is so fucked up both logically and grammatically that a group of mentally retarded monkeys tripping on acid using nothing but a broken piece of chalk and a sidewalk could come up with something less disjoint.

The worms broke into pieces, and the broken parts contained the residual spirit. Immediately, God gave each part new souls, which were different from worms' souls. These souls descended inside the worm pieces and were created with a different formula for supernatural power, depending on the kind of living creatures into which they evolved.

This lady has been hanging out with Princess Sparkle Pony and Molten Magma Man too much. The mountain man has crossed the third bench and is heading up the lateral ridge to where the dinosaurs plowed the ancient rocks - that is where his mom hides the special candle wax ambrosia. (I can come up with some crazy shit, too!)

I don't get it. Are the worms' souls superheroes or is the dirt divine - Why are the worms breaking into different soul pieces in the first place? What the hell is going on?

God uses worms' broken pieces as natural substances, creating other wild living creatures and animals that have two legs and two arms, or four legs--some have many legs. Their offspring are formed in their image after exiting the birth canal, while others are born as eggs and then hatch into animals.

What is it with this lady and worms for Maude's sake?

From the first time worms broke into pieces, God had chosen certain pieces to evolve into human natural bodies. These living creatures' offspring are borne into natural bodies, with two arms and two feet. Through a very long process of various animals' transformations, the prospect of human beings slowly changed, from one kind to another, then to monkeys, monkeys into bears, and finally to the human physical bodies.

Well, we are all damn lucky the "prospect of human beings slowly changed" from one kind to another, then to monkeys... Scientists recently announced that they have actually replicated the process of "another" turning into a monkey in laboratory settings. Such a phenomenon has yet to be observed in nature. Anothers are strange creatures like that.

(The theory of monkeys to human natural bodies is incorrect, because monkeys have long arms and long tails. Humans first changed to monkeys and then to bears. In order for species to evolve into human natural bodies, God changed the souls' creation formula from long arms and tails to shorter arms and tails, and He changed from monkey souls to bear souls before having souls evolve into human souls. Bears evolve into human natural bodies...snip...

That Charles Darwin is full of shit, man!

...un-snip...In addition, the theory of sea creatures evolving into human natural bodies is totally incorrect. Sea creatures must remain under water.)

Duh!

God created human souls by changing the supernatural substance for creating bear souls, and He sent this soul into monkey wombs. In this way, bears did not grow long tails, long arms, and legs like a monkey. God then changed the supernatural substance for creating human souls, and He removed short tails, hair, and the shape of bears' faces and sent this design into bear wombs. At this stage, after birth, the natural bodies were not wholly human yet. During the process of growing up, the natural bodies were changing, and this led to the creation of humans on earth.

And there you have it. All it takes is faith that God (or the Queen, at this point I'm not sure) put the bear souls in the monkey wombs but only after he changed the supernatural design substance so that the half-humans could grow up to be whole humans. It's just that simple.

That takes a load off my mind.

Teh Cuteness...

2008-11-19T13:11:00.002-05:00

...it hurts. Too much adorableness:

(via TRex via Jezebel via Wired)

Light Posting

2008-11-19T09:23:00.002-05:00

Posting may be light for the next two days as I have a butt-load (yeah I said "butt-load", what of it?) of work combined with a slurry of shoulder-related medical issues to tend to. MRI's and whatnot.

Of course, if the past is any indication, any time I proclaim that posting will be light I end up writing more than normal. That's how my fucked up brain works I suppose.

WTF is Campbell Browns Problem?

2008-11-18T09:34:00.003-05:00

(CNN - Of-frickin' course)

Commentary: Obama already struggling with lobbyist promises

For the sake of Maude. The guy has only been president-elect for two fucking weeks and she's managed to write a negative commentary on Obama on a damn near daily basis since the election. I used to like Campbell Brown, but lately she's really starting to piss me off. It's no secret that I loathe most of the personalities on CNN (I'm looking at you first, Blitzer), but she always seemed kind of reasonable. Things are starting to look like the network heads gave her a show and then told her to pretend to be middle of the road while doing everything possible to knife 44 in the back.

What the fuck do I know, though. It IS a center-right country after all.

Daily Dia"Tribe"

The Turd Burger Axiom

I get emails...

F$%king Idiots...

My thoughts

I feel much better about myself...

You Win

ATTN: Fellow NWO Members...

Sigh!

Dear Anonymous,

Question

Joe Conservative

The Middle East...

Get her a PAC already...

Yeah!

Mother of Mercy...

On my new favorite quote list:

Awesome!

Posted Without Comment...

Teh Funny...

You're a Dick!

Busy Busy Busy

De Facto Captain

Yikes!

Uhhhh?

This is farkin' awesome...

Top Ten via DU (with a side of extra stupidity)

"The Bubba Effect"?

Ouch...

Tuesday D'oh!

Monday Morning "This just made my day" Moment

Sweet!

Office Space

-------------------

Not Effin' Good Enough

Monday Stuff

Oh, Thank God!

Untitled...

Friday Awesome!

I'm getting kind of tired of typing such things, but...

Warrior Lamb

HAHAHA!!!

If I Were a Democrat in D.C...

Nope.

It's okay, Ted

Awwww. Shit...

My Two Cents

Horses' Asses

Yeah, He's Definitely a Secret Muslim...

More of Teh Funny

Teh Funny...

That Was Way Too Close

That Didn't Take Long

Top Ten via DU...

Kind of funny...

Betting Is Open

AHHHHHHH! S-W-E-E-T!

Uh...?

A Question For Today

Thanks, CNN...

Bleh...

They're SOOOO! Classy

Confession

More Good News

Next on Drudge Report:

Is this dude for real?

Shoez...

Damn Near...

WTF? is going on in this picture?

ZOMG!!!11!1! ROFLMAO

Friday Awesome!

Forgive me...

It'll be okay...

Chuck Todd is also a moran

You Sir, are a jackass!

*cough*...Bullshit...

More funny....

TBogg makes teh funny good...

I'm skeptical

This is a joke, right?

cough...Bullshit...